Salsa > Afraid of asking girls for a dance

Discussion in 'Salsa' started by Mehikene, Dec 15, 2013.

  1. Mehikene

    Mehikene New Member

    So as the title states I am afraid of asking for a dance.
    It is just so frustrating because again and again I go to parties and for nothing.
    It is just so hard for me. I mean everybody is having fun and I am almost dieing inside for the thought of just asking for a dance and the most awful part is that I just might be making my situation worse for writing this in here as I am saying this to myself like further solidifying my belief.

    I have taken salsa,bachata,kizomba classes and I would say in classes I am one of the best. Like dance is what I really like. I have done all sorts of styles from Hip-Hop to locking and ballroom to salsa and inside I know I will become great at social dancing. But for some reason I can not let loose on the dance floor. I am always thinking whether the thing I want to do is too sensual or will I even be able to do it and thus I am afraid that if I ask a girl for a dance then we will be only making almost only basic and I just do not want to see their disappointment.
    I know part of the reason is that I danced a lot of time with an experienced dancer who got really angry if I messed up and yet was very disappointed when I did nothing special.

    I also have big trouble with starting conversations with strangers and especially girls I like.
    I was really shy before high school and not very popular as well thus I have almost zero experience with girls

    I just hope there is somebody who has been through similar experience and gotten out of it because this is messing my life up so bad. I just do not know what to do anymore.
  2. Bailamosdance

    Bailamosdance Well-Known Member

    Don't ask - just extend your hand….
    Lizz, Imbrace and mjnemeth like this.
  3. tangotime

    tangotime Well-Known Member

    Dont get too concerned about how the lady feels. The fact that she ageed to dance with you is positive. The next question is : if you ask her again will she say yes ?. If not, it happens to the best of us . And, theres is not a thing wrong with dancing basic material .

    Im suspecting you are fairly new to the dance scene (?).. It takes time to develop your dance persona, so, be patient, it will eventually happen, when you get to a place where you find a dance " comfort zone "..
  4. Hedwaite

    Hedwaite Well-Known Member

    Trust me- dancing seems to attract all sorts of socially awkward people, myself included. Most people don't take blunders personally, and the worst someone can say is "no". You won't become great at social dancing until you're actually social about dancing- and yes, that's the hardest part, but once you start, it becomes easier, even the 'no' part. Most followers would rather dance good basic than sit down all night long.
  5. Steve Pastor

    Steve Pastor Moderator Staff Member

    If you are 12, as you listied in your profile, this
    is a very premature conclusion, although it might not seem that way.
    And even if you got the 2 and the 1 backwards... You are still plenty young and have many years ahead of you!

    Talk about shy? Ha!!! Got you covered there!

    Last night at the place I go to all the time, I was in a low energy mood, and the first woman I asked to dance (and who asked me just a couple of weeks ago why I no longer asked her to dance!) got too busy with some paper work, but had time to remark to a friend that I had just asked her to dance... I waited for what seemed like the longest time, then gave up and walked back to where I was sitting.

    I only danced once in 3 hours, and that was a line dance that I am trying to learn and I messed up (but not too badly.)

    And I've been dancing since... well.. for a numer of years.

    So, look at girls you want to dance with and see if they look back at you and smile. That's an indication they might say yes to you.
    There's also the old, how about next time I see you here, we dance a (whatever). I used that one just the other night.

    Oh, and always let the girl start anything that might be considered "sensual."
  6. mjnemeth

    mjnemeth Member

    And Smile!
    ajiboyet likes this.
  7. DanceMentor

    DanceMentor Administrator

    I think the dancing will eventually cure the shyness. It did for me. Try to take pride in yourself. Dress well. Stay fit. Eat right. Then just keep asking, and I think you'll slowly find more and more partners. If one particular day doesn't go well, don't let it bother you. Focus on the longer term.
  8. opendoor

    opendoor Well-Known Member

    Hi Mehikene, you have bollixed it, now it´s actually a hard case o_O

    It would have been much easier you would have started the other way round: First dancing socially and taking classes afterwards. Dancing isn´t about steps. Dancing is social learning in the first place. And that does´t seem to be taught at your studio. Are you still at DF? And are you still 12 years old?
  9. davedove

    davedove Well-Known Member

    Listen, I am far from what you would call a ladies man, but I do get plenty of dances at a social, much of the time with the lady asking me. But, this is at my studio and I still have problems outside of that.

    Just ask someone. Don't worry about doing the fancy steps. Most ladies would rather you do basic steps well and not do complicated steps poorly.
  10. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    This came across in a very wrong way to me. First, it hardly seems correct to me to advise *against* taking lessons before attempting social partner dance. Second, "you have bollixed it" seems neither necessarily accurate nor helpful.

    For me: I gained confidence through expertise gained 1) by formal instruction and 2) by interaction with experienced ladies who were kind to me in social venues.

    I have to admit that I don't have experience mixing "new to dancing" experience with high school experience.

    I also don't quite understand the nature of the dance venues under discussion here.
    atk likes this.
  11. opendoor

    opendoor Well-Known Member

    Hi DL, I know and I think you know my other posts. But in this case I think it may be useful to argue this way.
  12. Mehikene

    Mehikene New Member

    Hi of course I am not 12 :) my age is 21.
    You do not understand. It is so frustrating. For a moment imagine you are in a nightclub dancing alone and the hottest girl in the place comes up to you and asks why are you dancing alone and ads you could get ANY girl here(that is how good I am solo) and she has not been the only one and nobody has even ever seen me slow dance with a girl. Saying it to me who has been a social outcast for my entire life. Yet I am there as lonely and isolated as a planet in space. It is like all my girl problems will be solved the moment I can ask for a dance yet to me it is like jumping out of a plane subconsciously. My mind knows this is retarded and that is where the frustration comes in BIG TIME.

    It feels like I am just a tiny inch away from achieving my dream yet somehow feeling that gaining that inch is physically impossible but then again knowing it is not.
    And to but it simple I have sacrificed almost 2 years of my college years, loosing friends, social life and value of grade average just in the hope that maybe today I will do something different. But wh
  13. Mehikene

    Mehikene New Member

    when the time comes and I go to a club the same thing happens every time. I just dance for hours alone.
    The worst is that one time a girl said that she thought I want to dance alone. Like what the heck ??? That is when I realized that I have dug myself a very deep hole by dancing alone because by now probably everybody thinks I want to dance alone.
  14. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    look....some things are just hard....uncomfortable....difficult...and that may not change...but you still keep doing going to the one ever gets more comfortable with that....but you do it....don't take yourself so seriously for one is dying is going to be awkward....
  15. dncergrl

    dncergrl Active Member

    Try some role playing with a friend or even by yourself. Do some slow breathing to calm yourself and then practice things you could say and have your friend answer with various responses you might get and how you would respond to that. Then reverse roles and practice being asked, so that you can experience how a girl might feel being asked. When you rehearse in your mind, envision what happens after someone says yes (and someone will!) and imagine the good feeling you will have when you are finally dancing. Try to talk to yourself differently about this (I can do new things, I can learn to do this, I can...) Good luck and let me know it goes.
  16. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    Forgive me, but: That's a nice problem to have!

    OK, I do get this. But, look: Why not just give her an honest answer, that you don't really know what you're doing with partner dance but that you sure would like to try it with her if she's willing?

    ETA: Did you honestly not notice in this scenario that *she's* asking *you* for a dance?
  17. Mehikene

    Mehikene New Member

    That is an interesting idea dncegirl. I will try to make it happen or try it myself.

    Yeah she kind of took and danced with me as well because I said "I do not know how" meaning I do not know how to initiate it but she thought I did not how to dance :D . At that time I was a bit afraid to initiate body contact but she got really physical of the start which shocked me but just when I started to get more comfortable she left sadly. That was in a night club not salsa club and slow dancing is something I feel very comfortable with I just have the mental block of letting myself do it. Like when I went to a dance course and we had bachata and kizomba then in the end of kizomba it felt like one of the rotated girls did not want to rotate away from me.

    That is the reason why I learned salsa so that I can manage to dance with girls in club at fast pace as well. So that the salsa'ish turns would be the hook and bachata'ish stuff would be "killer blow"

    What is also frustrating is that where I come from there are almost no good leaders in night club. They either rotate like crazy or step from foot to foot with the girl and mostly missing the beat. I just know that when I finally get to slow dance and not have those mental blockages then that dance will be the sexiest and hottest thing people have seen in live.
  18. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    This may be part of your problem. I will admit up front that I have a very negative opinion of the night club scene in general, but most people who go to clubs that aren't specifically oriented towards dancing are not there to see or participate in good dance. For them, dancing is part of an insanely complicated mating ritual that's so full of traps and perils that people like you and me have no hope of navigating it. Confine your dancing to dance clubs, and when you go in, tell yourself it's just dancing. If a girl turns you down, it's no big deal. If a girl says yes, it's no big deal. It's just dancing. Tell yourself that.

    (Note: I am not necessarily saying that romance won't come from the dance club. You might get to know a girl and it might turn into a romance eventually. But these things take a bit of time. Partner dancing is often called "the three minute affair". Maybe chat up the girls a bit between dances, but keep the purpose of your dancing unambiguous. See how that develops.)
    mjnemeth likes this.
  19. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    I don't have much experience with the nightclub scene, but as I understand things it's not like the ballroom social scene. It wouldn't seem obviously true to me that skill with ballroom would serve one well in a nightclub.

    I can't quite tell from your description of what happened, but I wonder whether (though some might cringe as I suggest it) one of DF's historical threads on "grinding" might be relevant for you.
  20. dncergrl

    dncergrl Active Member

    Mehikene: You wrote "when I finally get to slow dance and not have those mental blockages then that dance will be the sexiest and hottest thing people have seen in live." You may be setting yourself up with impossibly high expectation that contributes to your anxiety, when you are actually in the situation. Either be seen as the best, or go home. That is a recipe for disaster. If you are the best, enjoy the moment, but if I were you, I would not talk to myself that way. Focus on having fun and enjoying yourself. A side bar is that if you are really the best, it is more charming and sociable to downplay it, rather than to own it, when you are in a social situation. No one else is going to feel as great as you, if you are clearly better than everyone and that will just create walls. You need doors to walk through, not walls.
    TrangBui likes this.

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