Awkwardness after someone asked for my phone number?

Discussion in 'Ballroom Dance' started by Shanae_87, Dec 5, 2013.

  1. Shanae_87

    Shanae_87 New Member

    Ok, so I'm going to try keeping this as brief as possible but there was this one guy in the first group party I attended and I danced with him a few times. In the next group party he kept wanting to dance with me and although I cannot give an exact number, I think it was at least 4 or 5 times which I guess is normal in an hour and a half but I started getting bored of dancing with him.

    I'm new to dancing so I might not be used to this but he was continually staring into my eyes during the Latin dances and I found that very awkward and started looking in another direction instead. I know that there needs to be eye contact but is there an extent to how much eye contact is needed in Latin dancing? I'm trying to give more eye contact with my dance instructor as he said it is something that should be done in Latin and although I'm a lot more used to him because of the months he has instructed me; I cannot help but laugh whenever I look him in the eyes.

    Anyway, by coincidence the guy happens to live in the flat right opposite mine and sees me coming out of my building. He says hi and asked for my phone number and I did not see that coming. I hesitated for 5 seconds but saw him with his phone out and was ready to dial it in so I didn't want to be rude and was completely taken a back from this so while giving the number I was contemplating, giving him a fake number while giving him my correct one and I guess while doing this it sounded like I gave him the full phone number when in fact there were still two numbers missing but when he said nice number, I just left it at that without correcting him.

    So, the next party comes up and he comes up to me and asked me whats up with the phone number so I pull him aside and tell him that when he asked for my number I didn't want to be rude and in all honesty I didn't know him that well and was not comfortable giving him my number. Which is true because I literally said no more then 2 or 3 sentences to the guy and he just asks for my phone number. I rambled a bit and he said it was fine that was that but I guess I made it more awkward as I was too embarrassed to say hi to him at the next group party and didn't dance with him once. I also just saw him now in the area but didn't exactly spot him till he passed me into the other direction as I was talking to someone else and he didn't say anything.

    The old me would have been very rude to him and would have hoped he would have just gotten the hint which turned out to be a horrible tactic as it makes you look horrible because it is such a mean thing to do. I have been really trying to work on that though.

    In my perspective, I think a guy wants a little more than friendship if he asks for your phone number after exchanging a sentence or two. With girls, it is different unless they are interested in a non platonic way. Girls would more likely want to just have someone in dance to chat to about group classes and whether you are going to this one or that one and perhaps ask if you might want to shop together. If it was a guy I was attracted to, I think I would consider giving him my number if there was a chance that he liked me back but I do not see why I should lead some guy on if he would most probably want something more than friendship when I do not feel the same.

    At the end of the day, I attend the group parties and classes because I really want to improve my dance skills and if I happen to make a friend or two; that would just be a bonus. I said I would try keeping this brief but as you can see, brief is clearly not in my dictionary. I hope I did not come across as too shallow or vapid. I honestly meant well and if you have actually read until the end my question is, should I go up to him and say something?

    What do you think I should do or say? the guy lives in my area so I don't want to have any awkward moments while running my daily errands.

    Thanks for listening guys and your advice is greatly appreciated :)

    I also acknowledge that I made things worse and awkward by not saying hi to him although I spotted him. I'm sure if I just said hi, things could have lightened up a bit. I'm also sorry if I posted this in the wrong thread!
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2013
  2. LT

    LT Member

    As a guy... I think you did just fine. The only real improvement would have been to simply tell him your not comfortable giving him your number as you don't know him well enough... Giving an incomplete number may have elevated things a tad by giving him an expectation that you were okay with him calling you, given that you gave him "your number." But since you explained it more clearly later, that should be enough. Just say "hi" if you see him near your flat or at the dance, and eventually the ice may thaw... :cool: BTW, I wouldn't go out of my way beyond the simple "hi" as it may just give the wrong message again or a conflicting one with where you are really at... good luck!
     
  3. Steve Pastor

    Steve Pastor Moderator Staff Member

    Might be good if you didn't mention the bit about
    , because he might take that as a hint that you would LIKE to get to know him better.

    No.

    Did you hear the one about the woman I asked to go to an Argentine Tango show in downtown Portland, who ceased coming to the dance place?
    I try not to take these things personally!
     
    vit likes this.
  4. freeageless

    freeageless Active Member

    I am a male. By the way you write very well. I did overhear the following conversation in a recent group class. This one young rather attractive female in my group class apparently has or had a suitor. I overheard her tell the guy rather loudly as I was on the other side of the room: Don't ask me to dance with you all the time. I want to dance with other guy's and they can't get to dance with me because you keep asking me to dance. I make no judgments as to what she told him, however, that may be something you wish to consider. I don't know if he ever asked her to dance with him again. I did notice that he never came back to that dance class.
     
  5. davedove

    davedove Active Member

    That may have been a little harsh. But, being a guy myself, I know that sometimes we just don't get the subtle hints and have to be told bluntly. The ladies think they are being obvious, but the guys just don't have a clue.:confused:
     
  6. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    welcome to df

    look...it simply IS going to be awkward for a while...that is how it goes when one person is interested and the other isn't...whether you bungled the phone number thing or not, you would eventually have to set him back on his heels...the last thing you need to do now is confuse the issue or look like you feel guilty...he will survive
     
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  7. clumsy fellow

    clumsy fellow Active Member

    As a guy… It's his problem, don't make it yours.

    Enjoy your dancing!
     
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  8. ballroomdancertoo

    ballroomdancertoo Active Member

    sounds weird but the opposite can happen also. i feel the same when some lady tries to get me to dance and their more interested in how they look dancing rather than dancing with the partner. i usually end up not going to the function where that person goes.
     
  9. Dr Dance

    Dr Dance Well-Known Member

    As a guy, I always respect a woman who is up front and forthright.

    "I don't feel comfortable about giving you my phone number."

    This is firm, but not mean. If he persists, you may have to be even stronger.
     
    DrDance likes this.
  10. Warren J. Dew

    Warren J. Dew Well-Known Member

    This.

    I don't recommend going out of your way to try to smooth things over. That may come across as giving him mixed messages. This guy may not be looking for "just friends".

    I don't think guys that go to dances just to dance generally ask for phone numbers. I certainly didn't.
     
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  11. Shanae_87

    Shanae_87 New Member

    Thanks guys! I got some great advice here but are the majority of you saying I should not even say hi to him? that seems a little frosty! Although I would do that if it means saying Hi would confuse him again.
     
  12. middy

    middy Well-Known Member

    If he says hi to you, don't ignore him, but don't go out of your way to talk to him, either.
     
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  13. Partner Dancer

    Partner Dancer Active Member

    Some dancers are just "unnatural" in their mannerisms, usually out of lack of self-awareness and practice. But in this situation, it seems that the guy is just looking for return interest from you by soliciting your return stare, so your looking away and general display of disinterest seems like the proper response.

    As long as the guy is across the street by pure coincidence, then there's no big issue.

    It's not unusual if a guy is, or seems, very enthusiastic in playing the suitor role, because cultural norms have shaped this behavior. Like the norm that men ask women to dance, which sometimes makes even asking for dances a contest between men. In almost all cases, the situation is harmless, but the suitor has to figure out or be informed of the futility.

    You seem to be doing all the right things, by just "conveniently" ignoring him and not dancing with him. Interest usually just fade away in the ensuing weeks or months, for lack of follow-up interaction. Since you are clear that you would never be interested in him, then don't even give this issue another thought for at least 6 months or longer.

    Of course, since the dance scene is usually very small, you don't want to, nor need to, come across as a bad/mean woman.

    Men usually do want more than friendship if they ask for phone numbers. But many men do that promiscuously in the way fishermen cast nets to catch fish, since it's just a game of odds. Some women don't realize this, perhaps out of vanity, and over-estimate the amount of interest. But, then there may be that one-in-thousand over-zealous man (or woman) who crosses the line.

    Because dance venues/classes are social outlets, courting and dating rituals/dramas/games are part of the scene. Perhaps less than at bars and such, but there nevertheless.

    As someone mentioned in some other post, many men and women claim they are in the dance stuff for the sake of dancing only, but often they disappear from dance once they hook up with someone through dance.
     
  14. vit

    vit Active Member

    As about the eye contact, there is no written rule I'm aware of how much of it is needed in Latin. Generally it would depend on the person you are dancing with. If it is a person you are comfortable dancing with (like your instructor or other people you like dancing with), there will be more of it, otherwise it will be less (like it was you normal reaction). It can be for fun, it can be a kind of flirtation, it can be just a look to see where your partner is etc, depending on the person and situation, just like in normal life ... anything except staring which usually isn't pleasant

    Guy just wanted to take advantage of the situation as other members explained
     
  15. snapdancer

    snapdancer Well-Known Member

    Seems to me that straightforward honesty is best.

    Like a dance friend recently, we both show up at the same singles dance. We dance a few times as well as others, normal social dancing. Then she asks for my aid to deflect this guy who has his eye on her and keeps asking her to dance. So we dance a bit more often as I ask her to dance when I see him approaching. That worked until she went to the lady's room; on her departure he ambushed her and asked for her phone number. As she related the conversation to me, she responded basically with "I don't know, I'll have to think about it" and then explained to me that she was just there to dance and have a good time.

    Which is what I had figured. So why couldn't she just say that to him?
     
  16. tangotime

    tangotime Well-Known Member



    With a 2x4 ? :rolleyes:
     
  17. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    Also if you're dancing competitively what looks like eye contact often isn't. One trick I learned in theater is because staring is profoundly unnerving (as I've explained elsewhere, in primates and indeed most mammals with binocular vision a direct stare is an overt threat and with other great apes can get you violently attacked) you look at the point between your partner's eyes. To the audience, it looks like eye contact, but it spares you both the discomfort of actually staring at each other. Generally though I'm moving enough I get brief eye contact for visual leads but even in Latin I'm generally not in a position to be making direct eye contact.
     
    vit likes this.
  18. snapdancer

    snapdancer Well-Known Member

    If he persists, I recommend firmly saying "I'm not going to give you my phone number".

    And if he still persists after that, maybe a 2x4 will be necessary.
     
  19. vit

    vit Active Member

    Actually in my competitive period (long ago), I was taught to avoid looking into eyes of my partner, to avoid affecting my posture (as girls were generally not as tall as guys), at least it was an explanation I remembered (maybe there was also something else). It was all to the public. Today, there is more visual contact between partners I think

    My post was however connected with social dancing
     
  20. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    Doesn't matter. Never, ever look someone straight in the eyes for an extended period if you don't know them really well. It's a thousand times worse in social dance because there isn't the established reason for it (creating the illusion of intimacy needed for the 'show' aspect of competition.) It's really awkward in Standard/Smooth social especially where if you're in the correct dance position being able to see each other's eyes is impossible and clearly forced if someone's trying to stare at you. It's really, really disconcerting.
     

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