Best and worst dance snubs when you ask a lady to dance

Discussion in 'Ballroom Dance' started by Dr Dance, Oct 27, 2013.

  1. s2k

    s2k Member

    I have found that following up declining a dance ("I'm resting," "I've taken my shoes off," etc) with "...but please ask me again later!" sends the message that I am interested in dancing but the timing was wrong, and my hope is that I come off as sincere and will get asked again. I have hunted down the gentlemen who asked and I declined for a dance to show that it's not them, I really was resting, etc. I like dancing too much to decline a dance, however, since I'm not a social dancer, there are some dances I do sit out - VW comes immediately to mind!
    Hedwaite, middy and fascination like this.
  2. Dr Dance

    Dr Dance Active Member

    BEST EXPLANATION EVER! Okay, she was just SHY. Maybe if I wasn't the same, I may have asked her again. (I suspected that posting this thread would help!)
  3. Dr Dance

    Dr Dance Active Member

    NOTE: Also, the "Dancing Community" may be smaller than I think when not one, but TWO posters IN THIS THREAD have IDENTIFIED the person involved(!!) :yikes!:
    middy likes this.
  4. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    You used a name that's not very common in general, let alone in the dance world. The ballroom world is very small. DF encourages us not to use people's real names, to the point I don't even when it's just absurd (I haven't used NP's name. You could figure out who he is and what my real name is VERY easily. I even generally don't refer to my Boston pros by name despite their posting on here with their real names as their user names. Fasc doesn't use her pro's real name despite having pictures with him on here, and sorry, Fasc, but I think anyone in pro-am in the Midwest could identify him by name just from the picture and probably a lot farther afield, too.) It's to avoid situations like this where now any of us with free time and Google-fu could probably ID the girl you're talking about by name.
    Purr likes this.
  5. JudeMorrigan

    JudeMorrigan Well-Known Member

    In fairness, fasc actually did mention his name a few months back. I think someone was asking about the instructors in the area and her post was something along the lines of, "well, it's not like it's a secret I take with so-and-so".

    It actually lead to an example of how the small world thing works in the other direction as well. In a lesson with my local instructor he mentioned "something an instructor up in [the area fasc's instrctuor teaches] told me once". I broke in with a "oh, sure, you must mean so-and-so". Which of course lead to me having to explain how I know [of] him. ("Oh, you must know him through your pro-am." "Not exactly.")
  6. Purr

    Purr Well-Known Member

    Many people post a lot of of personal information here, including photos and competitions they've attended, as well as results. They may also talk about their pro or dance partner, or who they've had coaching from. Besides that, people talk about where they live, the college or university they attend, the jobs they hold, and other people they know.

    It's really not that hard for someone motivated to put it all together to figure out who a particular person is, in particular if the person posts here frequently.
  7. Gorme

    Gorme Active Member

    Negotiate for a future dance.
  8. dbk

    dbk Well-Known Member

    Saying 'no' is not rude. A follower (or leader) has a right to reject a dance for whatever reason they want, even if you don't like it. They don't owe you a dance. As long as they are polite about it, they are not being rude. And she was polite, whether the shoe thing was true or just an excuse. She even sat the dance out; rude would be putting on her shoes for someone else during the same song.

    Now, publicly shaming someone by posting their name or personal info (in this case, their University and partner/friend's name) to discuss whether they are "rude".... that is rude :meh: - not to mention unnecessary, and smacking of sour grapes over something incredibly small.

    Why does someone have to pop up and say "I know this person, they are shy, they were tired" - why can't you just give the poor girl the benefit of the doubt, and consider she has her own feelings/issues/etc. going on that have nothing to do with you?? Why jump immediately to "rude"?? I see this all the time on "rejection" threads...
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2013
    wooh, ~Tracy~, Joe and 6 others like this.
  9. Terpsichorean Clod

    Terpsichorean Clod Moderator

    There is a difference between posting identifying information about ourselves and doing so about other people.

    We should try to be careful about including identifying details when referring to others (see Guideline #2), especially if they aren't in a position to defend themselves. It's fortunate that in this case, a member was able to put in a word for the person in question.

    Dr Dance, building up the dance community is always good. I'm glad you had the openness and friendliness to extend an invitation to a visitor to your studio. I hope you keep doing so. :)
    Dr Dance and latingal like this.
  10. Hedwaite

    Hedwaite Well-Known Member

    It's really sad that this is the 21st century, and people still haven't grasped the most basic concept of "They're my feet, I'll decide what to do with them."

    As mentioned, it's a small dance world. If I'd declined a dance with someone and they'd posted their insult on here where I was identified, I'd make sure they couldn't reproduce, let alone dance, again.
    wooh and TwoRightFeet like this.
  11. Dr Dance

    Dr Dance Active Member

    I admit that I misread her intent. Hopefully, she has no reason to feel "insulted."

    After reading your post, I really wish that each post had a DISLIKE button. I'd use it for yours.
  12. Hedwaite

    Hedwaite Well-Known Member

    Not surprised nor offended, but please put yourself in her shoes. What if someone you danced with posted something similar about you and you found out? She has every reason to feel insulted. She was trying to be gracious, and was "set out" for it.

    I'm sure that you didn't intend for this to happen, and were just overthinking it the way a lot of us do. It's great that you used other people as a sounding-board, before taking a more official position on it, but mentioning names makes it too easy for things to snowball.

    Thank you, though, for reminding me to be more careful about selecting social partners outside of my own usual circles- you never know who or what might wind up on the internet in unexpected ways. Today's lesson is "No still means just no."
    IndyLady likes this.
  13. raindance

    raindance Active Member

    I agree with the above. However, some studios promote a culture/etiquette that it is rude to refuse any invitation to dance. I think this is done to keep people on the floor and make it easier for people to ask each other, which can be a nice thing. But I think it does have the side effect of creating a group of dancers that feel that any refusal is rude, which is unfortunate.

    I would not want to be in an environment where I felt I *had* to say yes to every invitation. Sometimes the follower may not want to do a particular dance (e.g. a social VW, or a dance they don't like or don't know), or are tired, sore, in the middle of a conversation with someone they haven't seen in a while, or whatever else.

    I think polite refusals should always be an option, and we should be willing to give other people the benefit of the doubt that at the very least, they were not trying to be rude in refusing a dance. I know it can be hard to ask someone for a dance, and get refused. Believe it or not, it also can actually be awkward/difficult to do the refusing, even when you have a "good" reason for it. So kindly cut followers who don't phrase the refusal perfectly (whatever that might mean for you) a bit of slack.
    dbk and Gorme like this.
  14. flightco

    flightco Active Member

    Small world indeed. After the Windy City Open I added the picture of me with my pro (with her permission of course). I got a PM a couple hours later from someone asking if my pro was -----, I replayed, yes but I would like to tell her who was asking, he replied that he is one of her students also. Another guy from Chicago and I touched base around the same time and it turns out we take lessons at the same place, just different instructors.

    I thought I was the only person in Chicago on DF and Fasc was the only person in NW Indiana; not so.

    [Moderator note: fixed quote tags]
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 28, 2013
  15. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    in my own scenario...precisely because my pro is identifiable in my photo, I take great care to keep my sharing on the subject of my relationship with him to things which I think do not reflect poorly on him...and I think most people can see that I have nothing but respect for his skill and work ethic...while those who are very active in ballroom can readily identify either one of us...I have also known many folks who have no clue regardless of his credentials...I make that judgement call and bear the consequences of it...as to this circumstance, when someone else uses a name for a person, if I feel that they are sharing something that could seriously negatively impact someone who is not here to speak for themselves I will delete it...as per the guideline TC cites..as, if it could be seen as definitively injurious, we won't let it stand without that person being aware...as a general rule, I do think it best for folks to proceed with caution on that one...b/c we will not delete things after the fact unless we feel it is certainly defaming for someone not here to address it...I do not think the name of the team or the team member was neccessary here but it was also not particularly scandalous...while I make some decisions about my own scenario, I would not do that with people who are peripheral to my scenario
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2013
    dbk likes this.
  16. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    in hindsight...I am going to edit the names/indentifiers
    dbk and Hedwaite like this.
  17. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    which is why YOU should have shown greater care
    wooh, dbk, Lioness and 1 other person like this.
  18. stash

    stash Well-Known Member

    I'm at fault for giving his correct spelling. So thank you fasc for taking the identifiers out. But for DD, mindputte and I are very public about who we are affiliated with in terms of clubs, and I wouldn't be surprised if more people from our team were on df...
  19. Terpsichorean Clod

    Terpsichorean Clod Moderator

    "You will allow, that in both [matrimony and dancing], man has the advantage of choice, woman only the power of refusal;"
    -Northanger Abbey

    Assuming one gender tends to do the asking and the other tends to do the accepting/refusing, if a studio says it's rude to refuse any invitation, then it would only be fair to enforce an etiquette of asking, as well. Meaning: no discriminating in whom one asks to dance; certainly no glomming onto the best dancers/best looking people - you gotta work the room.
    wooh, dancelvr and Lioness like this.
  20. Terpsichorean Clod

    Terpsichorean Clod Moderator

    A man sits down. There are 5-7 empty chairs on either side of him. A woman sits down nearby with one empty chair between her and the man. He doesn't ask her to dance. Is that a snub?

Share This Page