Ballroom Dance > Best and worst dance snubs when you ask a lady to dance

Discussion in 'Ballroom Dance' started by Dr Dance, Oct 27, 2013.

  1. piimapoika

    piimapoika Member

    Stroll off in a dignified manner to the bar, men's room, smoking area, etc as if that is what you intended to do all along. Don't ask anyone else for that number, as you will be saying: "I couldn't get the lady I really wanted, so I suppose I'll have to make do with you", thus inviting another refusal.
  2. piimapoika

    piimapoika Member

    I get the hint after one refusal. After that I would never ask her again, on that night or any other. Unless of course it was phrased as: "I can't do the Boston Twostep/The VW makes me feel sick/I promised this dance to Nigel - ask me again later." The last four words being particularly important. If I am getting more refusals than acceptances, I might consider it is time to go home; but then again I might not.
  3. Dupont

    Dupont Member

    Better ask another lady if you would like. In my experience, the outcome of the second asking does not depend on the first being refused. The loss is only the first part of the song.

    When a difficult dance is played (Viennese Waltz, Quickstep, Samba), sometimes I go through 2-4 askings to find a doughty partner. (By the fourth attempt, half of the song is gone, which makes the difficult dances slightly easier, doesn't it?). For easy dances (Rumba, Waltz, Swing), I find partners after 1-2 attempts.
    chomsky likes this.
  4. tsb

    tsb Well-Known Member

    i've gotten as far as the first page and feel prompted to stop and post. someone may have said this in pages 2-4, but it seems to me that the OP chose to take this personally and view it as a snub and is bothered enough about it to post about it. instead of whether this other person was rude, which the OP can do nothing about, i submit that a more profitable question to ask might be "why does this bother me so much?" and examine the expectations and assumptions behind it. however, that is typically not a fun process.
  5. dbk

    dbk Well-Known Member

    Verrryy much agreed.

    Plus, since the discussion has turned to "that awkward moment after" - IMO it's a lot easier and less awkward if you don't take it personally. You look (and feel!) a lot better when you just shrug it off. Even saying something like "ok, maybe some other time" - even if you don't intend to go back and ask, it demonstrates that there's no hard feelings on your end.
  6. stash

    stash Well-Known Member

    I don't like this at all. As a follow, there are VERY few people I absolutely refuse to dance with. These reasons include, they hurt me because they tried to lead something and I refused because I don't do certain moves with people I don't know and trust, ie dips, or they are creepy, and I don't feel like I'm obligated in anyway to spend 3-4 minutes of my life and social dancing time with someone who creeps me out.

    So if I refuse someone, it's usually because I've danced a lot of dances in a row, that day my feet are hurting more than usual, or I just need a quick water/soda break. Please ask me again though. Maybe not that night if you feel it was personal, but don't stay away forever.
    danceronice, Hedwaite and chomsky like this.
  7. stash

    stash Well-Known Member

    Yes, and I usually say, I just need to catch my breath for this song, or I just need a water break currently. I do give reasons, and at least try to convey that it is temporary!
    chomsky and IndyLady like this.
  8. snapdancer

    snapdancer Well-Known Member

    What I really don't appreciate is the woman who turns you down but offers an excuse that suggests she'll accept a later invitation, when really she's decided that she'll never-ever dance with you because she doesn't like the way you part your hair, you're not a candidate to be the father of her children, or whatever.

    Just say "no thank you" and I'll leave you alone.
    freeageless likes this.
  9. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    Yes, I think giving a reason is definitely important.

    I always have to make a little joke when a guy asks the lady next to me and she declines for whatever reason so he asks me. It's like being the consulate prize...but at least I'm dancing!
    chomsky likes this.
  10. freeageless

    freeageless Active Member

    I agree with this post. If a woman tells me "no thank you" and says nothing else, I won't ask her again. If she says, "I don't know how to do this dance," I might ask her again for a different dance, or I might not ask her. If she says words to the effect of "no thank you" because "I don't know this dance" but please ask me for a different dance, I will probably ask her again for a different dance.
    chomsky likes this.
  11. Cal

    Cal Well-Known Member

    On the few occasions when I go out social dancing, it's rare for me to say no when asked to dance. However, if I do decline, I'll also smile and thank him for asking, or tell him that I'm flattered that he asked, or something like that. I'm usually pretty wary of giving a reason for saying no because, in my experience, that just leads the man to try to "fix" the reason. For instance, if I say that I don't know the dance, he'll tell me not to worry because he'll teach me. (We all know how appealing that is.)

    For the men out there - if a woman says that she's flattered to be asked but declines the dance and doesn't give a "reason", do you still write her off? If you decide that you won't ask her again, but then a later time she asks you for a dance, how do you typically respond? Just curious, on my part.
  12. Dupont

    Dupont Member

    No. Often, I don't even expect to get a reason, or I am far enough to hear her words, or I look at her for a very short time to listen to a reason if the reason is delayed even slightly. I don't insist on a reason. I don't want to push her to lie to me - there may be a real reason that she does not want to say, like a medical one or dislike of me.

    I will try again later. I will stop asking after the second or third attempts. I may make one more attempt months later. In the meantime, she may come to me and tell the reason. Often it is surgery, joint problems, not knowing the dance, expected dizziness, wrong shoes, undue influence of a man on her, extreme tiredness. As of now, women haven't approached to say that they dislike me, which is something I am perhaps supposed to deduce?

    As if she hasn't refused, but I will not be too friendly, will not chat, joke, or make her feel too good or have fun. I will invite her rarely, and she will be at the end of the desired ladies' list for a given dance. If she can handle this and will continue to ask me, then the relationship might improve without the first writing-off having an effect.

    There is also a small percentage of women, who tend to refuse sometimes (without explanation) and accept sometimes. I call them "unpredictable ones" and gradually stop inviting them. I think they are exercising power that way. They disappear from the dance scene quickly.

    But the worst are the beginners. They don't know how to behave, while having heard (or read) this and that. Add to this weak knowledge, improper shoes, perhaps shyness, and you will get a total confusion. Please, those who bring a newbie with them - give them an introduction, even if they are well past childhood age.
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2013
  13. Terpsichorean Clod

    Terpsichorean Clod Well-Known Member

    There are a lot of people who say they're flattered even if they don't mean it.

    If turned down a second time without an explanation or counterinvitation, I figure she isn't interested in dancing with me. And that's fine. :) I don't want to dance with someone who doesn't want to dance with me. I am neither a sadist nor a masochist.
    Cheerfully as I would any other dancer.
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2013
  14. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I can't imagine saying I was "flattered" in this day and age...nevermind then declining....I can, on very rare occasion, imagine saying I needed to sit one out but I hope they would ask me in a few or would it be okay if I came and found them...I have to say that if I was turned down without a reason I would probably not have the internal fortitude to try again with that person
  15. Warren J. Dew

    Warren J. Dew Well-Known Member

    I think that depends on whether the reason seems fixable. For example, if an apparent beginner says they don't know the dance, I may tell them they can just follow if they want, because in my experience, those that accept after that - about half, maybe - usually end up really enjoying the dance. If they tell me they don't like the dance, I know that's not fixable.
    I am very unlikely to ask her again later that day. Insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting different results, and all that.

    I won't hold it against her if she asks me later. That just means she's in the minority for whom the refusal actually was for just that dance.
  16. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    Interesting...wouldn't occur to me to be flattered just because someone asked me to dance. Unless there was a particularly complimentary statement involved, or it was a known dance snob who sought me out.
    Sania likes this.
  17. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    that was my thought as well
  18. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    I don't think anyone has ever turned me down without a reason, although I don't ask very often. Excuse or no, I am usually hesitant to ask them again unless they ask me first or they specifically said to ask them again later.
  19. Hedwaite

    Hedwaite Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure I like the tone of a (very) few of these posts, and I'll do my best to try to explain this, so I hope it's not misconstrued.

    It bothers me that, based on what I see from a couple of these "exceptable leaders", women are either expected to accept the dance or feel obligated to basically apologize all over themselves and make SURE that the LEADER knows that it's not the leader's fault, it's the follower's, and they have to all but have a signed doctor's excuse specifying exactly why they can't dance. What else do you want out of a 'no'- an Outback gift-card for your troubles? A fruit-basket?

    Some of the guys posting responses act like women are waging war against you by trying to passive-aggressively punish the follower for declining them by "Well, I just won't smile at her as much" or "I'll not ask her again"- chances are, the only person feeling the burn is yourself- she's oblivious to whatever embargo you've imposed upon her, because she has other concerns, and to assume you're one of them is quite self-flattering. That kind of treatment is just so very snivelly.

    A very promising percentage of the men who have contributed their perspective to this thread "get it", and for that, gentlemen, I am very grateful to you. Thank you for not putting us in an awkward spot by putting yourself in an awkward spot. Another percentage, however, makes me stop and think "Is this how the men around me at socials really think and operate? Eww." like reading the label on a package of something I enjoy and finding something disgusting in it.

    Dancing's about invitations and opportunities, not entrapment and obligation. It's as simple or as complicated as you want to feel about it sometimes. Another irritating little intrigue I find sometimes is the game people make of things. I'm not going to beg you to repeatedly ask me so that MY ego is stroked by your seeming demand, either. It's not a stupid little game of power and pursuit, and women who play this game are no better than that cow who wrote Twilight as far as female progress goes. It's just a simple question with a simple answer, and I don't know why people have to overthink this crap.

    I'll also add that I just have to be completely tasteless and wonder, if this were sex, would you have been the "Nice Guy" (for a painfully accurate definition of that, check out I don't agree with a LOT of what is on there, but THAT definition NAILED it) who asked an out of your league girl for a freebie, and when she said 'no', you called her a slut to anyone who'd listen... yet if she offered it, you'd drop everything and go for it? This is exactly what this reminds me of. Someone has something you want, you can't have it, so it automatically sucks- all the while, you're trying to invent some clever new way of not changing anything about yourself to acquire your fickle goal.
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2013
    wooh, Gorme, twnkltoz and 2 others like this.
  20. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I am going to hope we are going to do our best to continue making good points without having to use terms that can be inflammatory ...

    I do think the underlying inquiry has some merit is true that asking requires a vulnerability...getting turned down without a reason can lead to some natural wondering...which can then (and this is the critical point) lead to a reaction that presumes the best or presumes the worst and can then also lead to a response that either acts on that in a positive way or a negative way...not everyone will be in the the space to rise to their better self when they feel threatened (we see that here all the time), that is the messy part of being human...everywhere....inside a studio and outside of one...seems to me that we ought to show the courtesy that we would hope to recieve....I don't need a dissertation to explain a refusal...I think it is a nice thing to clarify when one turns down a dance, but not an is also fair to decide not to continue to open oneself to rejection if one doesn't wish to... but assuming the worst or harboring resentment over a declined invite reflects worse (imv) on the one asking than on the one answering unless the one answering does so in such a way as to be so rude that there was no misconstruing it.....
    wooh and raindance like this.

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