Ballroom Dance > Best and worst dance snubs when you ask a lady to dance

Discussion in 'Ballroom Dance' started by Dr Dance, Oct 27, 2013.

  1. tsb

    tsb Well-Known Member

    like going to a monastery to ask monks for dating advice.... expect you don't realize it's a monastery. unless you're contemplating asking out a monk - which might actually be the case since the decliner in question apparently has started in dancing with a competitive perspective. who knows?

    there's a lot more that could be said, but i will just say that it's usually better not to draw certain conclusions based off one isolated incident vs. observing a pattern of behavior over time.
  2. juwest333

    juwest333 Active Member

  3. tsb

    tsb Well-Known Member

    there's plenty of basis for the generalization that DF is dominated by posters who hold a competitive world view when it comes to dance. and like it or not, that world view comes with a huge helping of provincialism. some of the easiest examples to identify are when DF-ers respond to situations that don't involve ballroom and in how they project their theoretical assumptions on the situation. it is what it is.
  4. stash

    stash Well-Known Member

    If that's the case, maybe social dancing shouldn't be your thing...
  5. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    my point was about who responnded to the thread regarding social dance...not about the general population of don't, afterall, see the general df population participating evnely over all forums
    stash likes this.
  6. DanceMentor

    DanceMentor Administrator

    There are all sorts or people here. :) I personally dance near the 90% mark if I go out dancing because I went there to dance. It wouldn't be unusual for someone that dances all week to dance a little less in a social situation.

    Not only are people different, we also have to remember that each social situation is different, and different period's in one's life are different too.
    (and as fascination said, where people participate here presents yet another difference)
  7. juwest333

    juwest333 Active Member

    It was a joke...
  8. Indiana_Jay

    Indiana_Jay Active Member

    I'm concerned about being that guy who keeps bugging you when you really don't want to dance with him. So, if you turn me down and say nothing that would lead me to believe you'd like to dance with me later, you probably won't get another invitation from me. If that happens, all you have to do to get back on my "ask list" is ask me for a dance.
  9. leee

    leee Well-Known Member

    Just curious -- how are your potential followers supposed to be aware of this and the idiosyncrasies of other leads?

    The point is that, unless you (and I'm using the royal you, not you, Indiana_Jay, specifically) itemize your particular rules to each prospective partner, you shouldn't necessarily put the burdens of etiquette on them (who have to contend with however many other leaders and their rules as well). Some of this may seem like common sense, but I'd cut people some slack if I'm the one doing the asking (and even if I have my own private set of rules, I realize they're there to spare my ego and not a means to pass moral judgment on the decliners).
    danceronice likes this.
  10. Indiana_Jay

    Indiana_Jay Active Member

    Lee makes a good point. From my standpoint, however, not receiving future invitations from me is more of a loss to me than it is to the lady. And in the process, I'm assuring that I'm not imposing on a lady who really doesn't want to dance with me. That's my goal.

    There's nothing universal in the dance world (or anywhere else). But as Leee indicated some things seem common sense. To me this is one of those: If you turn down a dance, it's not necessary to give a reason, but if you'd like to dance later with that person, there's no harm in saying so. So doing will assure the person that a subsequent invitation will not be considered an imposition.
    twnkltoz and leee like this.
  11. Indiana_Jay

    Indiana_Jay Active Member

    Thanks. That's exactly the point I was trying to make.
  12. leee

    leee Well-Known Member

    I like this way of thinking! I'm sure that'll help keep a person from getting a big head.

    And yes, the etiquette regarding asking for/declining a dance goes both ways!
  13. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member


    when I encounter situations such as this, my first step is to always reflect upon exactly why the particular behavior pushes my buttons....what am I allowing it to make me feel and why?

    the second is to ask, in light of that, whether or not it is possible that I am framing the other person's intent through my own defense mechanism...

    so, I would consider things like: could he think telling you what step you missed was being helpful?...I actually find that if I miss something a few times, I like to know what dude thought he was leading...I would also want to consider whether or not this behavior is specific to me...if it is not...which is what you seem to suggest.... then it is much easier to not take personally...I would also take into account age, culture, any possible psychological issues etc...

    but, if it isn't personal, I would tend to just continue ignore him most of the time, and suck it up on occasion...

    UNLESS, you think it is one of thse very rare occasions on which it is worth it to try to help the man by saying something the next time he tries to correct/help, like; "do you ever run into ladies who find your suggestions/telling them what they missed to be insulting?"...then based on his answer, you can decide whether or not to tell him how it feels for you....if he proves incapable of enlightenment, I think it is fair to simply thank him and say that you think your styles are sufficiently incompatible that it is probably best if asks other ladies in the future in order to avoid frustration....
    dbk likes this.
  14. Bailamosdance

    Bailamosdance Well-Known Member

    I think the passive agressive approach is ultimately lost on men.
  15. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I do too...but I also think that candor is also wasted on a bunch of them as well...what I am suggesting is in regards to what she does for herself...not in regards to what she does for him...
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2013
    stash likes this.
  16. Hedwaite

    Hedwaite Well-Known Member

    Politely refuse. It's OKAY, Ayla, you CAN refuse The Signal now that you're among the Others. As with most animals, that kind of situation is best corrected immediately. A "No thanks, I just don't like being instructed or critiqued when I dance socially," would be a little too "horse out of the gate" (but better late than never? Whatever feels right to you), but WHILE you're dancing with him and he's doing it, a "Thanks, but please don't critique my dancing. I'm just here to have a good time, and I just don't want to be in that position at a social." or something.
  17. Hedwaite

    Hedwaite Well-Known Member

    And honestly, I am morbidly curious if the guy's name rhymes with Bob.
  18. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I still think it's possible that he thinks he is being helpful
  19. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    I think it's quite possible he thinks he's being helpful but lacks social skills. My response to that sort of remark is usually, "Sorry, I didn't feel the lead for that." I don't run across that type of behavior often, fortunately, but the last guy who tried to critique my dancing (incorrectly) has not been able to get on my dance card since then. I just avoid him or have agreements with friends to rescue me if they see him coming over. Most people who have been around long enough to know better don't really like him or have any respect for his dancing.
  20. Hedwaite

    Hedwaite Well-Known Member

    The 'rescue arrangement' only puts a bandaid on the problem. If the people with bad behavior (intentional or oblivious) aren't somehow called on it, they're just going to think it's okay to continue doing what they're doing. I've finally told one guy "Thanks, but I just don't want to dance swing with you. Would you want to raincheck until another dance?" He asked why. I told him "Because your leads are really rough, and they hurt my arms. I'd be happy to practice with you to fix this, but a social isn't the right place for it." He'll get me for a waltz or something, but hasn't taken me up on that offer. He told somebody else he's too advanced for what I teach. I wasn't aware that you were supposed to lift your feet up a foot off the ground and stomp during international standard foxtrot, but okay, what do I know...

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