Close to giving up.

Discussion in 'Ballroom Dance' started by dgarstang, May 10, 2013.

  1. LordBallroom

    LordBallroom Member

    Fair enough. This is my first encounter with the OP. It's actually very impressive and compassionate that people here would actually be willing to reach out to him in person. I think the number one mission is to keep him dancing. At the point he's at, it means making it as easy as possible. What he really needs is a pro who can lead him down the appropriate path..
  2. DanceMentor

    DanceMentor Administrator

    You might not like to hear this, but there is an old saying that "the #1 rule of dance is to have fun". You might want to focus on being part of creating that. Sometimes all a teacher or class needs is someone that comes in and provides a spark. All of the sudden the classes are fun, people are engaged, and learning too.

    I used to teach at that studio and if you were in my classes I always had something to offer to all levels. There is always something you can learn even in a beginner class, especially if you ask questions, and hopefully keep your enthusiasm high.

    Also see if you can branch out both inside and outside the studio. Make some new dance friends. Find out what they do and maybe they will have some good ideas for you.
    fascination likes this.
  3. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    my point, has nothing even to do with "stink it up buttercup"...even though I think that is a fair point...my real point is that OP is in an area that is one of the richest areas in which to be dancing and in which to find a variety of experiences....the vast majority of the rest of the US is far slimmer pickings and people have to make these decisions everyday with far less for options....no ideal match exists...you can focus on the positive or you can move about with your Eeyore face on....if you cannot accept the situation as it is, as in the many other threads, you have to find an alternative, if that alternative still isn't good, you either accept or search for a third one, or modify your expectations, or quit...those are the only real options...it isn't about supporting the OP or not supporting the OP...it's about being real...waking up and smelling the coffee...the pumpkin isn't going to turn into a coach for any of us...much as I wish it was
    Lilly_of_the_valley likes this.
  4. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    continuing dancing...gasp...isn't always the best decision for everyone
  5. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    agree, that teachers need to be sensitive, responsive, observant and FUN...having said that, there is a point in time when the decision to have fun is made by the participants...and there are times when a teacher simply can't please everyone all of the time...and if a person is finding themself mostly miserable most of the time at most places...well then...that person may not only need to consider a change of external venue, but may need to do some interior re-decorating as well
    DanceMentor likes this.
  6. LordBallroom

    LordBallroom Member

    I've come to the point where I just don't believe that. This is arguably the healthiest activity that one can do for themselves, especially an adult. It combines artistic, social, and physical fitness benefits all into one package. Yes, I believe everyone would be happier if they danced. People that don't like dancing don't understand dancing. People that want to quit dancing just need just need to restructure their dance life.
  7. freeageless

    freeageless Active Member

    Lord, the OP has stated that his problem is lack of self confidence, and that one of his main problems is that instead of increasing his self confidence the dance lessons have instead made his lack of self confidence worse. Indeed the OP stated he has spent thousands of dollars on dance lessons. I believe the OP's statement, and I certainly think that is possible. Therefore, why should the OP continue to pour thousands of dollars down the drain? I say enough is enough-and maybe he should throw in the towel and give up dancing. I see nothing wrong with that. In fact, maybe it takes more courage to quit than it does to continue in something that is making one's self confidence worse!
  8. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    some people have limits....limits that they may not be able to overcome...limits (physical, mental or emotional)which dancing challenges and they can't overcome...I get your point, I extol the virtues of dance whenever possible...but it, like everything else, isn't absolute
    Miss Silly and freeageless like this.
  9. DanceMentor

    DanceMentor Administrator

    I consider it a strength to be able to admit that you are vulnerable, so I commend the original thread starter for being able to say this. Sometimes you just have to talk about things, and talk to multiple people, and somewhere along the way someone who has been through a similar situation can shine a light to help you see things in a new way.
    freeageless likes this.
  10. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    it is a strength to admit vulnerability and then to be active in working to function in spite of those challenges...in truth, we are all vulnerable, whether we admit it or not...it can be a very graced state (subject of my mater's thesis, in fact)...there is much to be said for admitting it...however, admitting it and then remaining hopeful that circumstances will change, is not usually very helpful...you admit it, to yourself and/or others, and then you actively move toward being functional amid those insecurities...in truth, we can encourage others, but we cannot do that work for them
  11. 3wishes

    3wishes Well-Known Member

    or? take up fishing. wink! (gotta throw in some humor along the way).
  12. Bailamosdance

    Bailamosdance Well-Known Member

    Calling the wah - mbulance lol. Every problem you are mentioning has little to do with dance and a lot to do with your preconceptions of what and how dance is taught. Saying a class is not good because you could not see the instructor is easily solved either by moving yourself or mentioning it to the instructor. Cancelled classes are unfortunate but a common occurrence especially with the group class mindset that they are either expendable classes or are classes that can be interposed with yoga, taking the kids to soccer, etc.

    The biggest issue here is that you look for reasons for things not to work because you have decided that learning should happen on your schedule and in your vision. Private lessons are many times the answer for folks who want to control many of the variables in their lives, and might work for you, but I am concerned that your next post ing will be to complain about the teacher not doing their work they way you preconceived it.

    It's an open secret that teaching adults comes with its own set of issues, and one of them is that adult students tend to impose their preconceived ideas on how, what, and why things are taught. Try just going with the flow a bit and stop thinking that everyone else's job is to get you to learn.
  13. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    That's like saying people who don't like yoga, figure skating, skiing, fishing, baseball, camping, etc. etc. just don't understand it. Not everyone wants to dance or feels a need to and not everyone will like it if they just keep trying different versions of it. I know people who adore yoga, go to multiple classes a week, think that it's just the best thing ever and everyone would love it if they just tried it, found the right type, etc. I can't imagine blowing even an hour a week on it. Even within ballroom, there are people who adore one style and think anyone who doesn't like it just doesn't understand it and if they only keep trying when really, they just don't like it.
    freeageless and Mr 4 styles like this.
  14. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    dance will not cure social anxiety disorder ... just sayin
  15. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    and, aside from that, I also know people who just can't overcome whatever internal issues they have in order to get to where they would like to be....OP seems like a gentle and tentative person, but an easily discouraged, somewhat negative and unrealistic person....he has a number of venues available to him...but he is going to have challenges wherever he goes...only HE can keep himself from quitting and only HE can change his own perception of how it should be...we have provided him with all the reassurnace any community could...and only HE can accept his setting and get what he can get instead of bemoaning what he doesn't yet have...if you only know 4 dances, for example, you can't get upset because those aren't the only 4 dances that are played at a social...and you can't bemoan that you sit most of the time...because that is just reality...if I go to a local social, I know that the likelihood of there being an advanced male lead other than an instructor is about 2%...I also know that I will frequently sit or be the very last person asked....to go expecting otherwise or to be disappointed is lunacy...I can lessen that a small bit by going further for a social but not by much....that is reality...I have a friend who is a fine dancer who is not shy or new who danced last night and maybe got 6 dances...shrug...simply the way it is
  16. opendoor

    opendoor Well-Known Member

    Quite the opposite, it´s a certain sign that something is out of balance.

    People seem to avoid you. There must be a reason, try to find it out first.

    Have you asked a trusty and reliable friend (male or female)

    -if you got mouth odor,
    -lacking musical faculty,
    -hand sweat,
    -too much or cheesy perfume,
    -firm handhold,
    -difficulties of coordination,
    -problems with your sense of balance,
    -ambiguous body language,

    ..only to mention a few. Please check out all of these topics for your own interest.
    Would it be possible that the teachers must react because the other clientele don´t want to share a class with you?
    Another thing comes to mind: you´ve mentioned up to ten different dances in your post, but it looks like that you do not know the basics of a single dance by now. So what really are the reasons for it? Lacking musicality? You will need a clear answer and of course that said trusty and reliable friend. And if you have any? Have you got any sort of support or self-help group in town. You could put up all these things for discussion.
  17. freeageless

    freeageless Active Member

    Opendoor, The OP in a prior thread stated that in his short period of time taking dance lessons, he has paid thousand of dollars to two or more private dance instructors for private lessons. He stated he has also mentioned his anxiety problems to those teachers. If what you are saying is the case, you would think that his teachers would have mentioned that to him. One of the big selling points that these dance instructor salesman or studios like to stress is that one of the benefits of dancing is increase in confidence. Obviously, that is has not happened in the OP's case-and possibly others.
  18. Bailamosdance

    Bailamosdance Well-Known Member

    Maybe. Maybe not. We are only hearing OPs side of the story.

    Perhaps these conditions exist and the teachers chose not to mention these to the student? Common problem: student thinks what they think, and do not accept their reality.

    Yes, a common sales pitch for dance instructions promotes the 'solving' of the student's personal problems and personality issues. Been that way for over 100 years. Does it happen? Maybe. But I have never started teaching someone how to be confident rather than how to dance. The peripheral benefits happen as a result of the student's embrace of the dance culture, and not because it is a syllabus step: "being confident"...
    danceronice likes this.
  19. freeageless

    freeageless Active Member

    Bail, I don't disagree with you. However, it appears to me that the OP has done everything possible to "embrace the dance culture" to include spending lots of money in a very short period of time embracing that culture. Let's face it in many studios the culture is to spend more and more money to attain one's goals. Obviously the OP believes that his self confidence has gotten even worse. Thus, for him and possibly others the "dance culture" does not work. Even if it was free and not costing big bucks why continue to suffer Isn't it kinda like someone being in an abusive relationship, and being told to continue in the abusive relationship-eventually it will get better?
    Bailamosdance likes this.
  20. DanceMentor

    DanceMentor Administrator

    I didn't catch that part about taking the private lessons too. If it is a short period of time, I know we have all been there. It took me a year or two before I reached a point where I was pretty confident that my partners at dances would enjoy dancing with me. It might be good for Doug to focus on some activities that he consistently enjoys. Sometimes lessons are a good way to go for a while. I don't know that he needs to take 5 privates per week or something. Once or twice per week consistently should eventually start to pay off. If he is not happy with his progress after a couple of months and/or 10+ lessons, another teacher might be a good idea (whether that be at the same studio or not). If the goal is social dancing at parties, I would say make sure to focus on a couple of the most popular dances with at least one smooth and a couple rhythm dances.

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