Crush on Instructor...

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by summer280, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    definately...that is alot of power to give one person
  2. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    Well hey... on the upside, I'll be torn between two very cute salsa dancers at a class I'm doing tomorrow. Not at my studio. lol
  3. Cheery

    Cheery New Member

    Hello, I am new to dancing as well and new to this forum. I'm posting this because I have had similar experiences to you. I had a very close male friend (I was not dancing then)--we would talk on the phone everyday, go out to dinner often, tell each other everything. I was not attracted to him initially but sharing confidences and having him be such a great listener and ask me details about my day made me develop feelings for him.

    Like Wonder Woman, I toyed with the idea of telling him but I kept in inside for all that time, thinking he might say, "what are you talking about?"--or just disappear, which I was not ready for.

    One night he took me to dinner and told me all about a woman he met and had feelings for and perhaps would even marry! All this out of the blue. I was totally mortified, crushed and thought I would die, but I told him I was happy for him.

    The next few months were sheer hell for me as I never thought my feelings were so strong, my whole life was shattered--and I am a strong woman with a life, friends, family, job, etc. I suppose I had grown THAT attached to him, I was frightened to discover.

    It got so bad that I thought the only recourse would be to tell him about my feelings, at all costs, even losing him as a friend forever. So I did, and you know what? I have absolutely no regrets about this.

    He did not say ANYTHING and did not respond, even to a letter I wrote him afterwards asking him what he thought, even on the phone afterwards when I was pressing him to say something, he said, "I don't want to talk about it."

    And that was it! We saw one another again a couple of months ago, went out on a whim and he was just as flirtatious, just as friendly, arms around me, smiles, stealing glances, "sticky and sweet looks," and you know what, I thought that was just out of line and repulsive, insensitive and inappropriate. He also said he really loves talking to me and tells me things he tells no one else, not even the woman. And that he won't tell her he saw me.

    My conclusion is this---the entire process taught me a lot and I don't regret telling him because I was true to myself, honest and mature. We are no longer in touch now and if and when I see him again--I have no intention of going out with him again.

    With my dance instructor now, I am getting attached but it is controlled---I feel much affection for him because he is sweet, patient, a very good instructor, sometimes he asks me how my day was and when I was particularly upset about something he asked me why and you know what I said? I said, it's okay, let's not talk about it. I realize that there should be boundaries and certain things should be shared with some people, perhaps only when you know it would be wise to take your relationship to a closer level.

    As far as I am concerned he is my dance teacher and it would be best to know just enough about one another so that things don't get too close for comfort. That's the lesson I learned from my very close friendship and relationship with my male friend before, and I think it is a very valuable lesson!
  4. etp777

    etp777 Active Member

    First off, welcome to DF, Cheery!

    Second, this right here sums up my philosophy perfectly. It's definitely far from easy. Most instructors I know are caring people, good personalities, etc. Heck, there's a reason most of my friends are dance teachers. But at with my pros I keep my distance. Seems to be best option all around.

  5. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I recently watched the movie "he's just not that into you"...I think it is a must see for anyone who can identify with this thread
  6. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    and welcome cheery...thanks for the excellent post
  7. etp777

    etp777 Active Member

    Stupid chick flicks. ;)
  8. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    I read the book. Look, it's not that we think they might be in to us... It's not that at all. We've just built them up to be so perfect in our minds... I'd never met anybody like him, and had never been so happy as I was in those first couple weeks around him. It was just because he was teaching me to dance and I was floating off on cloud nine somewhere and associated that feeling with the idea of him.

    Anyway, I have a date this weekend, I'm going to finally put myself out there... No amount of distance or time is going to help, especially knowing I was wrong about the wedding in Vegas thing, that actually his wedding is next year, that this is his second engagement because he had one broken off... Gotta meet someone new, get my mind off this. Sigh. Someone (normal... gettable) likes me, I should be ecstatic.
  9. Cheery

    Cheery New Member

    Hello, Wonder Woman...I wish you all the best on your date this weekend! I forgot to say earlier that the ONE thing that absolutely CURED me and lifted my from that stupor I was in for the longest time (two years!), falling for that male friend of mine, was one simple afternoon with a new man I met...

    It was NOT even a date, per se...we had met in a group situation and he is close to some relatives...one day we ended up going out together to the zoo and spent several hours alone together. The new man was so nice, friendly, normal, showed some interest but not blatantly or too aggressively, (he lives in another country)--and in the end, we exchanged contacts and are still in touch. ONE AFTERNOON OF A FEW HOURS in his company just totally lifted me out of my hopeless and sad state caused by the previous guy who I revealed my feelings to and who never said anything.

    Suddenly it all did not matter. NOT TO SAY I am in love with this new man or anything, he just opened my eyes to all the possibilities. The world must be full of normal, expressive, interesting men, who MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF!

    That's what it's all about! Who knows what is next, but why worry? :rolleyes:
  10. Cheery

    Cheery New Member

    Oops, sorry about that first part...it was a quote from WONDER WOMAN but I think I left out some quotation marks at the start...

    Also, sorry if my post is getting off-topic away from dance...I just got very interested in this thread because I am actually getting attached to my dance teacher now who is male, very attractive, very patient, a very good teacher, single, etc etc...but because of my previous experience, I will not get into any situation that would lead to a similar experience...no closeness where not appropriate, no talking about things that would lead to unnecessary closeness, just dance!

    Enjoy your date, Wonder Woman : )
  11. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I like the initial point which is that girlfriends tend to tell you what you want to hear...not what is likely to be the case
  12. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    precisely...FP and i shared alot...I know nothing about Np 's life and he knows virtually nothing about mine...and it is great
  13. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    My sense of irony is in high gear.

    Then again, I suppose there's a fine line between being that guy and being the guy in this story:

    http://xkcd.com/513/
  14. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    LoL. That is most of the time.
  15. etp777

    etp777 Active Member

    hahaha, love xkcd. and that one's been pointed out as refrring to me more than once. :) Hrmmm, now I need a drink. ;)
  16. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

  17. Rumbagirl11

    Rumbagirl11 New Member

    Hi WW, you and I think so alike, don't they say great minds do that ;)

    I read that book as well and I keep it close by so that whenever there is a grey situation with a guy (which seems to be most of the time I am sorry to report) I can see what he is and was he is not doing. I also have a very good male friend who just spells is out for me but the book is enough if he is not around.

    I also think we crush on people as a self defense mechanism, part of the reason I started dancing was that I had ended a long-term relationship and wanted something to get me back feeling good about life and my self. I don't think in the begging I crushed on my instructor, but later I was just in awe of his ease to express himself and how comfortable he was being close and affectionate to people, my ex was the total opposite thus that might be why I crushed. I think if he asked me out (which I know he won't) I would be dissapointed that he is not as I thougth he would be and thus the search starts again. I think I don't want to pop the bubble yet thus it's easier to keep dreaming about this guy how he would be than to actually go out and try to find an available guy, I don't want to be dissapointed yet again.... I know I won't always feel this way but I think for now I feel safer hiding in my crush.:-?

    I am excited for you about your date, hope it all goes well and I really aplaud your willingness to put yourself outhere, it's a scary place to be at yet again but we don't have anywhere else to go but forward. Please do tell how it all goes. :D
  18. Rumbagirl11

    Rumbagirl11 New Member

    Hi Cherry and welcome to DF.

    I agree with you 100% and I had been through enough grey area experiences to know better about crushing on my instructor. I am starting to see the light though more than anything because I see that I am quickly getting angry at this guy, the ups and downs are just a ticking bomb for me, not fair that we are not on equal grounds.

    I did tell him the other day that he was too charmin for his own good, not sure how he took it, but was very serious next time around i saw him he didn't even say Hi, but you know what I was glad. All I want is some consistency in how we treats me in the private class and the rest of the time, I really want to learn how to dance and don't need the extra show for that if it is a show.

    If he wants to see me out of the studio to hug me or be charmin he will have to ask me (which I am sure he won't) but he can't have his cake and eat it too, not at my expense. :cool:
  19. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    I miss the flirtatiousness.. He won't even touch me unless we are dancing. We used to kiss eachother on the cheek each time we saw each other. Last week I turned my head and didn't kiss him. So then today he didn't even attempt to greet me that way. There is so much distance now. I barely know him. Everything I know about him I've heard second hand from someone else. He holds back. He won't tell me his age but he told my girlfriend. He told his student K who is 56 and married that he was engaged and taking the girl home to meet mum, but then when I said I heard you were were married he was real defensive. We don't know eachother at all. We can't talk. I try to talk to him and he doesn't respond, he stares off, doesn't even look at me. I gave up. I wish we could go back to the way it was before I knew he loved someone else and we just flirted and there was no awkward distance.
  20. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    Since he tells other girls things and not me I should ask one of them to ask him what his cologne is called so I can ask future boyfriends not to wear it. It is weird. I do not like it.

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