Crush on Instructor...

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by summer280, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    I don't know how to fix it! Who do I talk to him? How do I tell him I feel like we should know eachother better without it sounding like a come on? I am learning just fine. I am not self-conscious since I am not attracted to him anymore. I want to be his friend, but I think he is afraid of me.
  2. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    i tried for awhile to be that kind of GF, as it does seem chicas like it. but... i'm just not good at it, since i don't really mean it. i have always been the "meh...he's just not that into you...move on and preserve your dignity" sorta person, long before that became such a catch-phrase.

    but not every one cares for it. some people really, really, really wanna be told what they want to hear.
  3. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    The only young guy in my dance class is moving to Japan to teach and the non-dancer guy I was dating doesn't seem to be interested anymore! I would go to his shop and surprise him but I don't want to be the desperate girl who chases guys
  4. etp777

    etp777 Active Member

    Time for a new studio wonderwoman. Cut your losses and get out of there.
  5. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    The thing is, I LOVE my studio. He is one not the whole picture, just one small piece of it. The good still outweighs the bad. I just decided to vent here after my lesson with him... it doesn't really interfere, he's a nice guy, a lot of it is probably in my head. I just want to fix our relationship because I am going to know him for a while.
  6. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    Your relationship is teacher-student.
  7. DancingMommy

    DancingMommy Active Member

    @Joe - True. But for women it's sometimes very hard to see the line - especially when an instructor is flirtatious or a woman is in an emotionally vulnerable state or both. I've been there a looooooong time ago. So I can see where WW is coming from. At the same time, I've been on the *other* side of the coin as well. While for some of us it can be very cut-and-dried... Well... Sometimes it's just not that easy.

    @wonderwoman - The thing is, I believe your instructor is trying very hard to disengage from you but doing it how he feels is the "easy" let-down. The reason he's not being as forthcoming with you is that he's getting the "crush" vibe from you and he's trying very hard not to have that be an issue. One of my dear former colleagues would *cringe* every time one of his students would come into the studio because she was crushing so hard on him and it made him *extremely* uncomfortable because it was so very obvious. And this in a studio that had a posted "non-fraternization" policy. He could have lost his job in a worst-case scenario. I can't recall if you're in a franchise studio, but if you are, most likely they too have a non-fraternization policy. Basically it's in place to protect the students and teachers from perceived favoritism and also to maintain decorum. Some days I agree with it and some I don't. I think it's a good general *guideline* but I like to leave room for specific situations. I don't believe a dancer should have to choose between their career and their mate, for one.
  8. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    There's a fine line between avoiding showing favoritism and just plain avoiding.

    If his behavior had always been this way I'd have thought nothing of it. It changed when I acknowledged that I knew he was in a relationship. How that makes my crush more apparent? I don't see how it does. It can't be that. Why is he so uncomfortable that I know?

    I am thinking again of asking the other female instructor to try to get a read on him.
  9. DancingMommy

    DancingMommy Active Member

    Since I'm not inside his head, I can't say for certain, but I think he may be uncomfortable with you knowing those details because you're *available*. From what I recall of this thread, you mentioned that he has talked more openly with an older, married woman but won't share the same level of openness with you. And it could be that perhaps his boss has said something to him privately about avoiding an appearance of impropriety with the "single ladies".

    In my opinion, it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. Asking another instructor to try and find out what's going on is probably not the best idea because it can create drama amongst the staff. I wish I could offer more, but I've been in your shoes before and deeply hurt by one of my former instructors. Having come out of that experience wiser, all I can say is to tread extremely lightly.

    What and how much one shares with another is really their prerogative. I can't think of any other place where questioning why someone would chose not to share their private lives with another person would be appropriate. I mean this with all the empathy a person can have, having walked down the same path in the same shoes: for your own sake, just let it go. If I didn't know how hard it was to actually do that, I wouldn't say anything. But the longer you let this grow, the more miserable you're going to be. It's better to walk away with your dignity and self-respect in tact than to be "that woman" who just couldn't take the hint.

    I wish you the best no matter what path you choose to take. Just know that some paths are smoother than others.
  10. wooh

    wooh Well-Known Member

    Finding out if my instructor has a SO is of minor interest to me. "Oh, you have a girlfriend? Interesting. So why do I fall off balance here?"
    The fact that it mattered at all to you shows that it's not a pure instructor/student relationship to you.
    Asking another instructor about it? Do you just really want to cause drama? Because that's all it will do.
  11. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    sound counsel.
  12. DancingMommy

    DancingMommy Active Member

    Having BTDT, got the lousy t-shirt that goes with it... It totally sucks. Just really, truly, beyond sucks. My situation was more complicated because one of my best friends at the studio was the godfather of the instructor in question and I used to hang out at his place often. And run into instructor there. I'd left some motivational stuff for instructor at godfather's house and studio owner returned them to me. How totally embarassing. :hangs head: And that was *after* instructor had left the studio. Bad, bad, bad all the way around.
  13. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    *ding ding ding* We have a winner!

    WW, I know it hurts and I know it's not easy, but really--let it go. It's NOT going to be like it was before he decided to distance himself, and there is nothing you can do and no one you can talk to that will change that. Another teacher is not going to get involved, even if they're nice enough to listen to you. So vent, get a different teacher if you still take lessons from him, and move on. Believe me, I know it's hard, but cut your losses.

    And I highly recommend dancing with a pro (or pros in my case!) who are "taken". Takes all the potential for tension out of it.
  14. and123

    and123 Well-Known Member

    Um, not necessarily true, but not even gonna GO there....
  15. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    Well, in my particular case....
  16. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    In all honesty, I talk a lot about things I wonder if I should do, and then in reality never do any of it. I just don't get the chance and I didn't even think of it at the studio because I was excited about class and chatting with friends. And really really tired tonight. Anyway... I do have to respect and understand where he's coming from. And accept that a lot of this is/has been in my head. Which is a good thing. I am liking how neutral our interaction with eachother feels now. I'm not singled out nor completely ignored. It could just be that I was so tired tonight that I wasn't analyzing behavior, gestures, etc the whole time, but also noticed what a great teacher he is. He is covering for someone this week.

    wooh asked if I liked starting drama, and my first reaction to that is always to deny I want to intentionally cause anything, but truthfully, I have always felt like I need to have some kind of emotional mini drama going on in my life. I don't know why I subconsciously always do this. When I start working again, and focusing more on that, and dancing is just a social hobby, not the core of my existence, I'll have to let go of the petty stuff and.... be an adult. I think that freaks me out. I cling to any kind of diversion from real life, a fantasy to escape in to.
  17. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    He hasn't been distant towards me. He's been ignoring pain in his knee and stressed out over replacing the instructor who is leaving, covering vacations, and doing tons more work despite being in pain. I am such a jerk for thinking this has been all about me.
  18. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    :bkick:Hooray. I think I'm officially over it. Really. Really really.
  19. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    good for you, WW.
  20. etp777

    etp777 Active Member

    Here's hoping, ww. :) Be strong, and take care of yourself. :)

Share This Page