Crush on Instructor...

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by summer280, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    Was sort of sad last night. Feeling a lot better today. :)

    Now if I just get a job I can go to other studio.
     
  2. dlgodud

    dlgodud Active Member

    Don't worry WW! I am glad you are finally move on. I guarantee you you will have a fantastic teacher. Wish you all the best!!!
     
  3. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

  4. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    I just wanted to point out that I realize how silly it was that I said he was my favorite salsa partner and was afraid I couldn't find someone better. The guys at the salsa club I've been going to are amazing :) I'm addicted.
     
  5. dlgodud

    dlgodud Active Member

    I like it!!!
     
  6. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    Me too!!!
     
  7. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    I'm happy for you! :p
     
  8. Terpsichorean Clod

    Terpsichorean Clod Moderator

    Ducky!!! ;)
     
  9. Cheery

    Cheery Member

    Hello everyone. I know this is the end of Wonderwoman's episode, having made the decision to move forward. However I just wanted to say something from my experience...don't know if this should be a new thread.

    I mentioned before that my dance instructor is very nice, patient, charming, etc. One time I did not show up at the correct dance studio and he was waiting there for a private class. He was very patient and though he was surely irritated (we had to resched) he was very nice about it.

    While I have made it a policy to not talk about my personal life to him (setting boundaries) he also does not, and I just found out that he has a SO from another teacher. This made me quite uncomfortable/uneasy. It's hard to explain why but perhaps if this was known from the very beginning this would not be the case.

    When he first mentioned her (now that I look back) he said she was his friend, not his girlfriend. (Friend who's a woman). While I think that refraining from talking about personal lives is better between instructor and student, don't you think it's actually better though to know basic things like whether one is married or in a relationship?

    BTW, my instructor is very attractive and charming, but very well mannered and never crosses boundaries. He always is nice and gives a kiss before and after class but it's very European and casual, IMHO as I have known many Europeans before who are this way.
     
  10. mkp

    mkp New Member

    I understand where you are coming from. I had a crush on my instructor too..and the age gap is HUGE. I am the older one. It was hard at first, but believe it or not, we have been dancing together for 2 and a half years, and the crush is no longer there. I still think he is cute...but also imature in many ways.

    In addition to THAT crush, I had a very bad crush on fellow student last year. He was a wonderful dancer too..and again..sigh..much younger (tho not as young as my teacher). He was very sweet and kind to me, but again, another man I COULD NOT HAVE~! Luckily for me, he left the studio, although I do still see him through mutal friends from time to time. He has a live-in girlfriend now.

    Dancing has brought a lot of good into my life. It has also awakened feelings and desires in me that I thought were long dead. I can either grieve about this and feel defeated, or take these new feelings and turn them into something positive. Whenever we do something to change our lives, whenever we "get out there" and engage with the world, some good and some bad will come of it. But the goal is not to live our lives in fear.

    After saying that, I am not entirely sure I agree with the direction you are taking with regard to your crush. My first instinct would be to try to get away from the object of my desire if there is no hope for something more coming of it. Sometimes that is not possible (as it was in my case) but I think you need to re-think your strategy - IMHO.
     
  11. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    Cheery... It was also always very weird for me, to have this physical closeness with my teacher yet know virutally nothing about him. It is an individual teachers personal decision what if anything to share with his student. He is a teacher and must be professional. That is to say, it isn't personal. He can not get involved with every one of his students.

    Sometimes I feel sad that my first teacher may never know to what extent he has changed my life. Dance has changed my life and he was simply the catalyst for that change, but... you meet so many people in your life, especially if like me you work in health care, and only a fraction ever make a significant impact. Your first dance teacher is and always will be one of the most significant people to have ever touched your life. We'll never forget them. They tend to have very handsome and charming and all that put together with the physical closeness of dancing... I can definitely understand how feelings develop... But we have to remember they have their own lives. We want to be as importnat to them as they are to us. They have many students, we only have one teacher... It can never be the same from both sides.

    I want to be a dance teacher some day but as I think about the way I bonded with my first teacher, it freaks me out a little! lol It's very thrilling to watch someone begin to learn and fall in love with dancing. I think our teachers really do have an idea of how much they have impacted our lives.
     
  12. Cheery

    Cheery Member

    Well, early on in our lessons, one day I came to class and was visibly upset about something, which he asked me about. "Tell me, " he said. But I said, "Let's not talk about it, let's just dance," and he sad, "Ok, let's dance."

    The reason I said that is because I had an experience where I went out with a man for over two years and we spoke almost everyday (lived in different cities but he visited very often). While we were not romantically involved I realized I fell for this guy really hard, and like you at one point, struggled whether to tell him or not.

    The only time I realized it was when he told me he met "someone!"

    When I looked back on why I fell for him (and HARD!) it was because of the personal things we shared, talking almost daily (for several months it was daily). Also he was very flirtatious and sweet, it was almost as though we HAD a relationship although it was never "consummated," although he was very "touchy feely." (Believe me this is not necessary to fall hard for a guy--men may find this hard to believe).

    (BTW I posted about this episode months ago earlier in this thread and the conclusion was that I agonizingly revealed my feelings to the guy, and he did not say A WORD about it and we went out again once and he was the SAME---flirty and touchy feely---I wrote him an angry letter and he has since disappeared. End of story, end of problem! Lesson learnt)

    So with my Dance Instructor, I have set boundaries. I don't talk about personal things, except superficial ones or if I do, I don't delve into them too much. We are already seeing one another often and touching a lot and in Latin, you can be so near each other the entire dance, and he's looking at you. That is enough! It is a recipe for disaster if we start talking too much. So I confine most of my talking to dance related questions or light banter.

    Perhaps that is why he did not reveal he has a SO. I just found out from someone else. I find it a bit weird though that he never revealed that ever and also never asked me if I have one, or children, or whatever. He probably makes it a policy not to do that with students to keep it professional?

    The thing that is difficult for me is I do not want to make dance the number one thing in my life but because I am going through stuff at the moment, it is becoming so. Even if I am so new to it. I amusingly tell people stories about my dance lessons and they enjoy the stories but I really want to make sure it does not take over.

    And because I only dance with my teacher, what other dance partner can I talk about?

    Anyway I just wanted to share these thoughts with you and others so they can learn from our experiences...it amazed me that there were soooo many threads on "crushing on your teacher," so it is really a commonplace thing!

    Maybe the rule should be to deliberately choose an unattractive teacher who is very strict and not charming?!
     
  13. Cheery

    Cheery Member

    On another note, somewhere in one of the "crush" threads, one person commented that it is a GOOD THING to have a crush on your teacher/partner because you can parlay it into a tool for adding spice to your dance. Especially in Latin Ballroom where this is a key element of being "in the moment."

    I read somewhere that it is "sex in three minutes" for Latin dance, on the dance floor, and after that dance, poof, finito.

    A lot of the time, I see good dancers, very experienced, doing fancy moves in my studio when I am waiting around. But there is something missing, it looks like a sport, not an art. A sport where they are trying to show how good they are and how their body can do all the fancy moves.

    However, where is the SPARK, the "sex?!" to be blunt--it is NOT there and that is so different, when it is.

    So, is that why it is good to "crush" on your partner? So that you can harness all of that attraction and use it to your advantage in the dance? If so, then it can be a good thing, but like what someone else posted here before, "what goes on on the dance floor should stay there!"
     
  14. Cheery

    Cheery Member

    Another thing I wanted to say was that if someone has a crush on someone and they are trying to suppress it, just try imagining that person on the toilet seat (!)

    On the flip side, if you are looking at your partner or dancing closely and there is no spark, think of someone you have the hots for badly, really desire, really turns you on. Pretend your partner is him! (Only for those three minutes please...: )
     
  15. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    No, it is never good to crush on your partner. It doesn't improve the connection, it hinders it.

    I work a lot better with my second teacher because he is gay, and even if he were straight he wouldn't be the type of guy I'd be attracted to.

    The best thing for you to do, is to move on to another teacher.
     
  16. Cheery

    Cheery Member

    Hi MKP, it sounds like you are older by a big gap then that previous teacher you crushed on.

    This comment about awakened feelings and desires that you thought were long dead is a familiar feeling with me, as my teacher is also significantly younger.

    I first sought out a new teacher, dissatisfied with my old one who talked too much and was too technical. I was in no way attracted to this new teacher until a few months in, as he is very patient, good to me, has a great sense of humor that we share, and most of all, when he is near me, it does not feel uncomfortable.

    I tried to not talk to him too much because this could foster unnecessary closeness, but you can't not be physically close when dancing. Some dances require a face to face near position square on for long periods, unlike in Standard Ballroom, where you lean your backs and heads back and away to the right or left. In Latin, you really have to look at each other at close quarters.

    There are also many moves where you're really so near one another holding both hands and bodies touching. Oh no! Recipe for disaster, right.

    Added to this, the spark and "sexiness" is really a PLUS for the dance.

    So we have to be like actors in a sense where you turn it on full blast for the dance, then turn it off completely afterwards.

    Think about all the actors and actresses who have to act married, lie in bed, kiss the partner, even "make love" on camera, they are for months together on the set during filming, in very close quarters.

    But in real life they have spouses, families, etc so this is potentially disastrous (i.e. Brangelina, Jen--they are just another statistic really, aren't they?).

    I think it's much the same for dancers and partners/instructors.

    For me now, I am trying to think that perhaps my instructor is a boring person outside of dance, with not much to talk about, or not much in his head perhaps? I'm just trying to think this so that I get turned off :confused::raisebro::razz::(
     
  17. Cheery

    Cheery Member

    THat is a GREAT idea, find a gay instructor! They are super aren't they, harmless as well!

    In fact I suspected my teacher might be gay, early on, as he never spoke of any SO and I thought he is so attractive, how come he doesn't have one? I thought perhaps he was gay and secretly the partner of another instructor who is male and seems a bit effeminate (though married).

    Since I don't really talk to people at the studio, therefore get no gossip at all, I just entertained this thought for some time.

    Until I found out my teacher has a SO after all...

    Perhaps I'll just go on pretending he is gay, ha ha.:p
     
  18. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    lol yeah i thougt mine was gay too but you have to figure... they like dancing with women
     
  19. Cheery

    Cheery Member

    THey probably like the clothes their female partner wears, ha ha!

    If they danced with another male, what fun would his clothes be!???:uplaugh:
     
  20. Cheery

    Cheery Member

    :confused: Ok so now it is my turn...just wanted to say that I am now getting into the situation as Wonder Woman and MKP...after taking more group lessons and they turn out to be taught by my same Privates teacher...oh no, now I will be seeing him 5x weekly. I don't want to, as I am beginning to have a crush on him, but he is discouraging me from taking lessons with other teachers (though trying not to be obvious, it is!)

    The conflict is that he is really a good teacher and my dancing is really progressing. However, I want to learn from others so that a. I won't crush on my teacher b. so it will be more about dance, not about him!

    Would be it be better to take Group classes from another teacher, I wonder?
    Any thoughts on this? (I wish my teacher were not so charming--he has a SO and is really professional, but you know this story! All too familiar, huh)
     

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