Crush on Instructor...

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by summer280, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. Dragonfly934

    Dragonfly934 New Member

    Romantic interest in instructor

    For several months now, I've been romantically interested in my instructor. I actually feel like I'm in love with him, and sometimes, it's so emotionally draining b/c I know that I can't talk to him about or expect the same feelings in return b/c of our studio policy that forbids student-teacher relationships. He is always professional, but it's hard wanting something I know that I can't have. Maybe it could be possible if I stopped being a student at my studio or if I became a pro, but I do not plan on doing either.

    Sometimes, I wonder if he feels the same, though, maybe not to the extent that I feel, but I at least know that if we didn't have a student/teacher relationship, we would be good friends outside of the studio (he basically said that to me as well since we relate quite well to each other). Our personalities suit each other really well.

    Sometimes, I feel like I should just quit being his student for my own self-preservation, but I know that I would be SO unhappy not seeing him anymore, not just b/c I really like him but also b/c he is a really good teacher, and his teaching style fits me better than the rest of the instructors at my studio. Just wondering if anyone has any advice on this or can relate to this situation. I know it's not uncommon for students to develop crushes on their teachers, but I feel like this is more than just a little crush since it's gone on for so many months.
  2. nucat78

    nucat78 Active Member

    There are many, many threads discussing crushes. Best to get over it, sooner, rather than later after you've possibly made a complete fool of yourself. Trust the combined intellect of the board on this.
  3. opendoor

    opendoor Well-Known Member

    How many students like you does he actually have?

    I think a relation with a teacher/instructor is quite a common thing. But be aware, usually they only last up to four month.
  4. GGinrhinestones

    GGinrhinestones Well-Known Member

    First of all, Dragonfly, welcome to DF!

    Second, I feel for you as, I am sure, do many others on this forum. This is a VERY common occurrence in partner dancing. There are indeed many threads on this subject and I would encourage you to do a search and spend some time reading through the community knowledge here. Maybe one of our awesome mods will help point you in the right direction.

    I know it's hard now, but what you're going through is normal and common. I know it seems like it's so much more than a crush, and I won't begin to tell you what you are or should be feeling. But I can tell you that it WILL get better, and there are things you can do to help that, when and if you are ready. But in the meantime, hugs to you, and read through all the valuable knowledge here on DF. It may open your eyes, put things into perspective, or just give you some food for thought for down the road. We've most of us been there at some point - some still are - and you will get through this.
  5. opendoor

    opendoor Well-Known Member

    Speaking frankly: haven´t seen such thread by now. But perhaps it´s a phenomenon salsa, swing, country, tango nor general dancers actually pay any attention to, because it happens all the time and posting isn´t worthwhile.
  6. Purr

    Purr Well-Known Member

    What nucat78 said.
  7. anntennis

    anntennis Active Member

    It is very common.

    When I first started dancing, I got attached and attracted to my first dance teacher, who was much older than me. I thought that he is the most handsome, gracious, gorgeous, understanding. It was like somebody pushed a button that I did not know existed. I spent all my time in the crowded (and I normally hate crowds) NYC dance studio, about 3 hours of privates after work, sharing the floor with many people for private lessons. I did not learn that much from him. I realized early enough, that even though he is very good dancer and artist himself, his teaching methods do not work for me. However, it did not stop me to continue my dance lessons with him.

    Crowdedness of NY city dance floor got to me the most, common sense prevail, and I started taking lessons in NJ with my Eastern European teachers, but still continued traveling to NYC to take lessons with him. None of my other teachers had his charm and charisma; even though my actual dancing I learned from them.

    Eventually my “crush” ended and my “need” to go to that studio ended as well.
  8. GGinrhinestones

    GGinrhinestones Well-Known Member

    Dragonfly - here are a few threads to get you started. I only went through a couple of pages and picked out a few - there are many, many more, but these are some of the most current and relevant.

    http://www.dance-forums.com/showthread.php?t=37368 – Teacher/Student Relationship
    http://www.dance-forums.com/showthread.php?t=39569 – Your First Dance Teacher
    http://www.dance-forums.com/showthread.php?t=488 – Non-Fraternization Clauses
    http://www.dance-forums.com/showthread.php?t=32597 – Crush on Instructor
    http://www.dance-forums.com/showthread.php?t=14607 – Dance Crush
    http://www.dance-forums.com/showthread.php?t=28254 – Dance Crush
    http://www.dance-forums.com/showthread.php?t=1482 – Personal Relationship with Teacher
    http://www.dance-forums.com/showthread.php?t=14518 – Falling For Your Dance Teacher
    Good luck.
  9. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    my heart goes out to you...there is no non painful route....my personal choice would be to be honest ... in the end, while you may feel that there is no other good match for you in dance, it is simply not true and an excuse to stay...and you will be increasingly miserable until you get your answer or remove yourself....I wish I had a better answer...if I had it to do over again, I would have left alot sooner...for my sanity and my dancing...hug
  10. Wannabee

    Wannabee Active Member

    Hi Dragonfly934.

    I'm gonna go from a purely female perspective here, (although I have NO DOUBT it is very common for male students as well). Take our pros, they are impeccably groomed, they smell nice, they hold us in their arms and make us feel beautiful and wonderfully alive as they glide us across the dance floor. They don't leave dirty dishes in our sinks or forget to call if they are going to be late for dinner, etc., etc. And most of the time, they are just genuinely decent guys in real life as well. And since most often (when we do run into them away from the studio) they still treat us like queens, these feelings never get the chance for a reality check. It's like a Cinderella syndrome (that term should be reserved for pro-am dancing lol).

    It's a common but difficult situation you're in. Hopefully you will be able to either confront these feelings, confess these feelings, conquer these feelings or all of the above. I wish you the best, because regardless of what you decide to do, it won't be easy. I've no doubt those previous threads will have loads of great advice for how best to proceed. Just wanted to offer encouragement. Hang in there. Hugs.
  11. Dragonfly934

    Dragonfly934 New Member

    Thanks for all of the great advice in addition to the links above. I've been wanting to be honest with him, but I guess the issue is, I think as an instructor, he would be obligated to say that he has no feelings in return so as not to disrupt the teacher-student relationship. I'd be honest just so I could get the truth from him, but even then, I'm not sure if I would get that.

    And I know that many people have said to just get over him, but how? I still think about him a lot despite my attempts to distract myself. The thing is, we were recently preparing for a big competition, so I saw him almost all the time for lessons and practice. Now that the competition is over, things have slowed down and I rarely see him. I thought that our time apart would help me get over him, but it has actually made me miss him even more.

    All of this is just sometimes emotionally draining, i.e., wanting something that you can't have. And I used to be so happy since I started dancing, but now I'm sad b/c I can't have him. I don't like guys often, either. I'm super-picky, so when I do fall for one, I really fall for him. I'm just not sure what to do at this point, though. I'm not leaving the studio b/c there aren't any others in town with schedules that are compatible to mine, and I'm not changing instructors b/c he is currently the most experienced one there, and he gives quality instruction......
  12. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    then you are going to have to get used to alot of pain
  13. freeageless

    freeageless Active Member

    I agree with Fascination's implication that if you don't dump the instructor, your problems will only get worse. Also, if he has any integrity and finds out that you have a crush on him, he should drop you as a student. Others may disagree, but that is the way I see your situation. I am a male and I have not had any crushes on any female teachers. Maybe because I take few private lessons. ;) However, I have had in my almost two years of group classes crushes on two female students. In both cases, I took no more group classes with them. Now, that I look back on it, I wonder what I ever say in either one of them.
  14. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    thing is...if you don't want to risk finding out that he doesn't feel the same...and you talk yourself into thinking that no other studio or pro will do, you will remain in agony...and that is fine if you need to do that...but you have to realize that you are choosing it...no guy, if he is truly interested and available is going to pass up an opportunity...but you may also have to deal with how fun it won't be anymore when he tells you he doesn't feel the same way...ime, delaying finding out or delaying leaving prolongs a very difficult situation ... that is certainly your chocie to make...and and I completely understand how difficult it is
  15. clumsy fellow

    clumsy fellow Active Member

    Clumsy Steps to Freedom

    1.) Stop taking lessons with him
    2.) Leave the studio
    3.) Ask him out on a date

    Can you handle the truth, it's gonna hurt....
  16. Wolfgang

    Wolfgang Member

    Months?
    If he was interested, he'd have asked you out by now, policy or no policy.
  17. sambanada

    sambanada Active Member

    Dancing is very intimate, so feelings are common. I think it is common for students to feel this. Hopefully, the intrsuctor will not take advantage of that. I think you need to be careful in this situation to avoid a heart break.
  18. foxtrotgirl

    foxtrotgirl New Member

    Hi Dragonfly, I definitely sympathize with your situation - it's pretty tough. I mean almost all Pros are wonderfully groomed (i.e. handsome and charming), dance well (which is so attractive) and you spend so much time together with physical contact working towards a common goal. If that isn't a recipe for feelings to develop, i don't know what is.

    But I second what Sambanada said - you are probably developing these feelings for him because of how much time you spend with him. Maybe try a different sport for a while or get out and met more people. I think any relationship with a figure of authority (teacher) will only end up in awkwardness and heartbreak. :( just my $0.02.
  19. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    Speaking as a onetime teacher in another field. These feelings are quite normal, and are really in the same category as a teenager's crush on the teacher. All you know about your instructor is what he presents to you in a professional setting, and if he's any good, that will be a pretty darn good presentation.

    If he is a decent, mature person, on finding out about your interest he would make it clear that it would be entirely inappropriate for him.

    For me, while I was teaching, a number of ladies developed crushes on me. Some of them, if they had met me in a different context, probably wouldn't have given me the time of day. ;-) The point being here that they had a crush on the role, the persona, not the person.

    It is hard enough to engage the actual person rather than your image of them without having to get past their professional persona.

    I finally broke down and agreed to a lunch date with one of my former students. (This was before I got married.) It was definitely weird, and validated my principles on this topic.
  20. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    thank you for sharing this... it is so important that the instructor conveys not only the fact that it would be innappropriate, but also that there is no mutual interest...otherwise the student may be confused about what the lack of response means or doesn't mean...it really does need to be on the professional to be unambiguous..even if it results in a loss of income for them

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