Crush on Instructor...

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by summer280, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    I understand what you're saying, fasc, but it can be exceeding awkward and embarrassing for the professional to say something before the student makes their interest explicit. To reject someone before the topic is explicitly broached comes off as egotistical, and can be humiliating to the student.

    What the professional can do, if they detect an interest that goes unstated, is to gently communicate that they are unavailable. The easiest way is to talk about his wife or girlfriend when making small talk. If there is no wife or girlfriend, broadly hinting at the existence of a girlfriend or boyfriend, as the case may be. It avoids the student feeling rejected on the basis of some fundamental inadequacy.

    If I were a single man, teaching in a dance studio, I would just wear a wedding ring, and not talk about my private life.
  2. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I wasn't at all suggesting that they do anything before the student officially said something...of course not
  3. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    I guess I got confused by "lack of response". I assumed a lack of response to hints, not to an explicit statement of interest. And even then I think it's gentler overall not to play the "I'm just not into you" card, but find a better, face-saving approach to the situation.
  4. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    so...let me be clear...I am totally with you about subtle ways to be discouraging when one merely suspects a crush...but, when someone has found themselves sufficiently uncomfortable that they have had to share the reality of the attraction with their pro, I think it is very important for the professional to be unambiguous in how they respond...the specifics of that aren't that significant to me, the term "unambiguous" however is key....a ) because people with crushes have amazing powers of denial and 2) to avoid the apprearance of exploiting the crush for financial gain
  5. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    Hmm, some of that didn't quite parse. If the powers of denial are strong enough, then the correct response is "I'm sorry, I can't teach you anymore, let me recommend these other fine teachers..."
  6. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    right...THAT is unambiguous...or to a lesser degree; "I am sorry, that is just not something I am ever interested in or willing to entertain...my interest is being your instructor...if you feel that it will be too difficult for you to continue here with your interest unreturned I will respect your need to leave"

    not sure what didn't parse
  7. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    senior moment. there was some phrasing that confused me (my own problem) until I just reread more carefully.
  8. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    meh...it was completely possible that I phrased something poorly...happens several times a day :)...so I was just wanting to find out what needed clarification...no biggie
  9. nucat78

    nucat78 Active Member

    And unfortunately there are some teachers who cultivate ambiguity to keep a student "hooked". Income or ego can motivate that behavior.
  10. Camaro

    Camaro New Member

    Makes no big difference what he is and what you are, if you really feel something for him, well maybe it would be good to start something too...
  11. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    Welcome to DF, Camaro.
    Please, go review the threads GGinR linked to.
    It really does make a big difference.
  12. Dragonfly934

    Dragonfly934 New Member

    Does it mean anything when your instructor gives you many free lessons b/c he simply enjoys teaching you? Wasn't sure how common that is.......

    And I don't know if I necessarily agree with the fact that if a guy likes a girl, then he would ask her out regardless of policy. He may not want to put his career on the line...... Also, not all guys are the same. Even if they like a girl, some are shy and just don't have the guts to ask her out initially (just saying this from personal experience).
  13. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    bottom line is that you'll never know if you don't ask...
  14. one dancer

    one dancer New Member

    Just wanted a place to talk about my crush! (No advice, she's spoken for.) She works at a studio that I want to leave, because I have a lot of problems with its owner, but she is great, with lots of encouragement that makes me feel special, and of course beautiful. She's the only reason I'm still at the studio, but I'm afraid that my puppydog act around her makes her uncomfortable. Ok, maybe that's a question, she has to know that I have strong feelings for her, right? I think she mentions her husband a lot as a way to remind me of her situation. lol
  15. GGinrhinestones

    GGinrhinestones Well-Known Member

    Hi one dancer! Welcome to DF.

    Yeah, she probably knows. I know you aren't looking for advice, but in your particular situation - if she's the only thing keeping you at that studio, it's time to move on and focus on your dancing. Do you have another studio in mind? There are probably many people here who can point you in the right direction, depending on where you are located!
  16. 3wishes

    3wishes Well-Known Member

    bingo.
  17. Dragonfly934

    Dragonfly934 New Member

    So it was brought to my attention by a friend that my instructor is most likely gay which is quite a bummer. I really love his personality, and I'm so attracted to him, but I guess I can focus on my dancing now instead of wondering if he likes me or if we'll ever have a chance to be together (now I don't have to leave the studio!).
  18. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    Hi Dragonfly.
    I'd say it's definitely unusual for an instructor to give lots of free lessons. Free dance parties, yes, free group classes, yes. There is no marginal cost for the studio to give you those, and if you're the right sort of person, you will help bring more people into the studio. But free lessons? Others may have a different opinion, but the simplest scenario that makes sense to me means you need to take what your friend says about the instructor with a grain of salt.

    If he is independent, he typically still has to pay floor fees, so it costs him money if he doesn't charge you. If he is a studio employee, I'd say he's taking a big risk, giving away the goods for free.
  19. one dancer

    one dancer New Member

    Hi, thanks for having me!

    You're absolutely right about finding another place.Two other studios are nearby, and I'm going to check them out soon. I do enjoy nursing my crush on her, but it's also deepening recently so perhaps that's also another reason to get out sooner than later. (I miss her already! LOL)
  20. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    yep...crushes deepen...and there is a point beyond which the weight of the crush is too much to bear

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