Crush on Instructor...

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by summer280, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. nucat78

    nucat78 Active Member

    Yes, crushed by the crush.
     
  2. nucat78

    nucat78 Active Member

    Crushes evaporate eventually once you remove yourself from the situation. One day she's a goddess and the next time you see her, you notice she has hairy toes. <shudder>
     
  3. one dancer

    one dancer New Member

    I can attest that her toes are not hairy at all and are in fact very lovely. (I get what you're saying though!)
     
  4. Steven123

    Steven123 Member

    I remember the first time I took private dancing lessons. I didn't really know what I was getting into. The teacher was really good and professional and everything. Sometimes though she would be poking my abs and giggling and stuff like that. Sometimes she would be really happy when I was dancing with her. It kind of sucked because it is 100% natural to like a girl who is behaving with you like that. I tried to offer her a present for Christmas but then she got really offended by that. I got the hint, but I couldn't stop liking her even during the lessons. It kind of shuts out other opportunities in real life being attached to somebody like that. Fortunately, I moved away a few months later. I decided to keep dancing but just at group lessons with social dancing. People dance so differently depending on where you are. Anyway, after moving around a few years and dancing socially non-stop, I started to take privates again because I wanted to learn different dances and dance with more skilled partners. First thing that happened was I developed a crush on my teacher. There were three teachers at this place who were all really attractive and nice in different ways. They exhibited different behaviors towards me that made me think they were flirting with me. Of course, the one who I talked to about it denied it. I moved away from that place pretty quickly because I felt really bad there. I felt like I was getting played around with. I felt like the studio owner was using the girls to make money. Duh. At this place where I am now, it is the most professional in terms of the flirting and stuff because one of my teachers is married to the other teacher in the studio. That is actually really nice to have because there is absolutely no chance anything would happen and they are both cool people. The other teacher was being really professional until a few weeks ago. But even the married one makes a couple flirtatious jokes sometimes. I just think it is part of the ballroom dancing business that the professionals flirt with the students. That is why I am not smiling or anything around these people. Their "niceness" is just part of their money-making scheme and the amateurs are their victims/moneypots. Really any place that has you taking as many privates as you are taking group classes and social dancing is kind of messed up. If you just want to be a social dancer, people who care about your progression should probably recommend one private for every 5 group classes and then social practice should make up 10 times the amount of time you are spending in privates. At most places that make money in dancing, it is like 0 social dancing, 1-2 worthwhile group classes per week, and as many privates as they can squeeze out of you. That is funny because social dancing is what most of us are in it for.
     
  5. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I appreciate that that is how you experienced it...and I am not at all denying that there are instances in which some instructors may cross the bounds of professionalism and manipulate students in a variety of ways to ensure a profit or make a student feel bonded to them to their own advantage....but I think it is also really important to look at the other side of the scenario...there is some subjectivity in defining whether or not something is playful and friendly or flirtacious, which I don't see as appropriate on a lesson, but there is still a leap from that to "let's take this further" ...some professionals do a very good job of creating as little confusion as possible...that being said, there are also students who are unprepared for the endorphins that dancing with somene friendly and fit, who moves like a dream, can evoke...and who then frame that pleasure as mutual or encouraging when it isn't ....I think it is a bit sweeping to imply that the majority of professionals knowingly lure their students into a crush......and trust me, I understand being toyed with, but it is no joy ride for a teacher to have a student inappropriately attached to them...at least not long-term...and I think there are many professionals who let their skill, not their charm, be their selling point....

    regardless of how you see it, I think the best thing a student who has been through this before can do, is to guard their own heart and their own head...and not let whatever pleasure they experience be anything more than a delightful but contained experience on the dance floor...without even bothering to ponder what the other person is or isn't putting out there aside from that...if one can't do that, then yes, I agree one should not take private lessons....you can't confuse neccesary friendly behavior and normal acknowlegement of enjoyment of physical proximity to another person with anything else...
     
    pygmalion likes this.
  6. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    I agree with fasc. There are some who cannot disintangle the emotional connection of dance with the other. If that is the case it behooves you to guard yourself. Not that some professional teachers may be going over the line, but most who I have had experience with haven't.
     
  7. dbk

    dbk Well-Known Member

    I absolutely disagree. Sure, there may be a few instructors that function this way, but not most.

    Ballroom is fun and social. Ballroom is also very physical - both in the sense that you touch your partner/students, and in that you're moving and communicating a message with your body. And in private lessons, you get this fun, interesting, skilled, often very attractive person-of-the-opposite-gender's attention for a whole hour, and they're touching you, and they seem happy to be with you (because - gasp - they enjoy their job!). It's easy for an unsuspecting student to take all of this the wrong way, but that doesn't mean the pro is doing anything mean or manipulative. They're just being themselves.

    And seriously... why turn a fun hobby into something where you're "not smiling... around these people"?

    Maybe that works for you, and if it does, great. Personally, I dislike group classes. Past a certain level, you can learn steps in group classes, but really learning to lead and follow is very hard in a group class. The difference between a leader who takes a lot of private lessons, and a leader who only attends group classes, is very noticeable - at least in my area/experience.

    Either way, I don't think it's up to you to decide that a studio or an instructor is bleeding their students for money because you don't like the number of lessons they recommend.
     
  8. tancos

    tancos Active Member

    I totally disagree with the idea that really learning to lead and follow is harder in a group class. To me the opposite is true -- learning to lead or follow with as large a variety of partners as possible, with different skills, size, weight, etc, prepares you for any situation.
     
  9. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    we can have that debate on another already existing thread....as we have before...each format, private and group, is unique and presents unique opportunites....
     
  10. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    There may be some cynical teachers that lead students on in order to book more lessons. But, as we discussed extensively in another thread, it is often innocent, simply part of the social interaction with no more intent than to make the other person feel good. Unfortunately, there are less experienced people that confuse "I'm just being friendly, I'm not looking to date you." with "I want to date you." My teacher and I flirt. She's married, I'm married, there's no way anything can happen. On the other hand, there is a young lady at my studio who I chat with a lot, but I am very careful about any kind of flirtation, because she is the sort that can misinterpret mere friendliness for something more. But I've been around the block a few times, and I have already learned my lessons in the school of hard knocks.
     
  11. dbk

    dbk Well-Known Member

    I actually agree - if you're going to be leading/following a lot of different people, you need experience either in a group class or at socials, or both. That said, I've never met a group class that went as in-depth about the technical aspects of lead/follow as I've gotten in a private.

    Like fasc said, both have their benefits... private lessons aren't just a way to make students "victims/moneypots".
     
  12. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    I started taking private lessons in order to learn to lead. In a group class, it's pretty much trial and error, whereas in a private lesson you can focus on what you need to learn to lead. And then you have to get out there and apply what you learned with other followers.
     
    dbk likes this.
  13. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    In group classes listen to when a teacher talks about how to lead something and work on that. That is how you learn. What happens a lot is that the followers there learn what they should be doing and so start anticipating, back leading etc...I make a point of dancing with many of my students in a group class to help with lead follow - I join the rotation. Also ask questions about how to lead something better...etc There are opportunities but you need to be proactive.
     
  14. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    OK, let me rephrase, in a group class it is hit or miss. The teacher has to put some emphasis on teaching lead and follow. The class has to be small enough. In the group classes I took, I was not going to learn lead and follow. In fact, in not one of the group classes I took, would I have been able to extract anything useful from what the instructors said about lead and follow without the grounding I got in private lessons.
     
  15. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    I read all 26 pages of posts and feel like I should tell my story. I began dancing taking private lessons 3 years back. I had a crush on my first dance teacher, becos there was no way I could have been prepared for the intimacy of dance...wish I had known about this dance forum back then! He flirted with me and was very charming, but he is married. I ended up leaving for multiple reasons...too much drama in that studio...and my crush was wearing off so I was able to walk away. I found another teacher who owns his own studio one year ago and began classes. He has a different style in teaching, one that is better for me, and I am learning faster and feeling more confident in my dancing. I did begin to feel attracted to him as well. His style was not overly flirtatious. As we got to know each other, joking and laughing over things and getting to know each other, my crush grew more intense. I knew he had a girlfriend that he lives with but he rarely mentioned her. One evening I texted him about my class schedule, and somehow one text led to another, and soon we were sending flirty texts back and forth that evening. At the end of that exchange he asked me to meet him at a hotel instead of the studio the next day. I could not resist. I was so excited that he was attracted to me as well. To make a long story short, we have met on and off over the last few months. We are not dating as he is still with his girlfriend. I know morally sneaking around like this is wrong. But I can't seem to say no. My lessons have continued with him, and our relationship has not seemed to affect our lessons. I love dance and do not want to give it up. I don't think he is unscrupulous or doing this to keep me coming for classes, as I was already pleased with my classes and going to him anyway.
    I just wanted to say there are many different levels of crushes and relationships, and I don't believe it affects dance in every instance. I know everyone has said it does, but my experience has been different. I'm not saying what we did is right, just that it didn't seem to interfere with my lessons.
     
  16. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    it has not interfered yet... as to his honesty, well...you don't have much guarantee that he is going to treat you any more honestly than he is currently treating his girlfriend....good luck to you
     
    Wannabee, dbk and freeageless like this.
  17. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    These statements are mutually exclusive. What YOU are for sneaking around, as you put it, with someone in a relationship, I won't say, but HE is a jerk and indeed is unscrupulous, unless he and his girlfriend have an open relationship. (Easy way to check-ask her "Is it okay I'm sleeping with your boyfriend?" See how that works out. And frankly she at least needs to know she ought to get tested.)

    And I PROMISE, if he did this with you, he's done it/is doing it with others. No matter what he says. Cheating on his girlfriend in general means he's not an honorable man, and preying on his students just adds another level of sketchy. As fasc said, good luck. You're going to need it.
     
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  18. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    Yes there are all sorts of relationships, and I am glad that you seem to be aware that you are aware of the questionable rightness of what both of you did and are doing. You say that your relationship doesn't affect your lessons? Tell him you don't want to take lessons for two months and start not going to lessons and see what happens?
     
  19. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    I am aware of the whole thing being wrong on so many levels...I did not think it thru and fell into it becos our mutual attraction was so strong. We have insane chemistry. It's like the John Mayer song 'Slow dancing in a burning room'. I have no illusions of being with him or getting married or any form of commited relationship. I know it's going to come to an end and I know I will be hurt.Looking back I wish I had not taken that first step into this...as I know I set myself up for a lot of heartache down the line
     
  20. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    and his girlfriend will also likely be heartbroken....and, then the dancing may suffer as well....I am sorry that HE chose a way of exploring this that was unfair to everyone and that you did not resist....chemistry is awesome....and then it isn't...hug....best to you ...now thanking the Gods that I have never had chemistry
     

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