Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by summer280, Oct 1, 2006.
Chemistry is just another name for lust.
Going back to what everyone has said previously, I do believe dancing creates a life outside of the real world. You are in this intimate studio, outside world does not exist for 2 hours and a charming sexy guy is focusing his attention on you. You are touching, dancing in hold and laughing and joking. It's a set up for something to happen. I also wish I had been more aware that this illusion was being created, and it was just that- an illusion. Instead I allowed myself to fall into a situation that is bad for me and believe me, I have major regrets. I also know that this will end in a lot of heartache, it seems like I deserve it. I am seeing things a little more clearly and if he was someone I met outside of dance, I would not have fallen so hard.
it is an environment that many of us are unprepared to handle...as to what has happened and what comes next, just be very careful and very wise and learn from it as well...there is no real point in beating yourself up over it, but be very sober about what has happened when you are considering what should happen next....take care
Forget you and your feelings (rather, hormones.) You're just as guilty as he is. Unless they have an open relationship you're being evil (I chose the word specifically) to his girlfriend, who's the innocent party here. A moral person makes mistakes and correct them. Be moral: dump him, tell her so she's aware she better get tested for STDs. (As should you. I guarantee this isn't the first or last time for him.)
I don't think we need to roll the morality train over someone who is already expressing remorse...but I do agree that the true sign of remorse is amending one's behavior and engaging in responsible behavior
"Remorse" is stopping the behavior, acknowledging guilt, and not justifying it (and not essentially bragging about it.) You put it out there, you get judged, and hey, some of us know how that feels (I'll never live my own embarrassing issue down, but honestly, I deserve the teasing-walked right into it. But the only one even mildly 'hurt' was me, only emotionally which is not a big deal, and you live and learn.) When you're both single, do what you want, when one party lies about being single, they're at fault, when you KNOW that you're enabling a cheater, you're not being a good person, either, plus you are in fact helping put that third party's health at risk. There's no excuse for that. (And yes, I watched a friend's marriage end because of one party cheating with a third party who was fully aware that was going on and what they were doing, so it's probably coloring, but still.) Fool around when you're both single, but cheaters are cheaters on both sides and deserve no sympathy. If sbrnsmith is REALLY sorry, she'll dump him, get a new teacher (I suggest one happily married/partnered and/or gay) and apologize to the girlfriend.
I have already decided to end it from my side as far as the affair. Dance classes are an issue however. I live in a small town and I drive an hour for my lessons. There is another studio but they don't have a regular male instructor. The town I live in has the dance studio where I first began with my first teacher, and I cannot and will not return to that studio. Beyond all the drama, the teaching was just not good. The irony is that outside of the affair my instructor and I began, the dance classes themselves are very good and I like his teaching style. I love dance so much that to give it up seems unthinkable. I never thought about all these things when I got involved with him, the problem is I was not thinking. I just allowed myself to be swept off my feet. I felt guilty, but I could not seem to stop. It's only now that I feel I am seeing the entire situation clearly. What I did was wrong, but I just don't want to lose my classes due to this.
I am sorry that you are in this position. I know it must be heart-breaking. *sigh*
Why do you think that ending the affair will affect your classes?
There's a reason that the admonishment against mixing romance with professional relationships is sometimes saltily phrased as "Don't crap where you eat." The bad feelings and awkwardness of a breakup can't help but color the professional relationship.
How would it? The situation itself does not make taking dance lessons less workable. If both parties are on to put it behind then it should work out fine. Even in a marriage, the advice is always to forgive and move on, not immediately divorce.
The decision to end the relationship is mine. The reason it may affect my classes is becos it will be tough to see him and be close to him . The emotions cannot just be turned off like a switch. Though some on here have accused me of lust, hormones, being evil etc, I do know that being human and having been intimate with someone, one does develop feelings. I do have feelings for him, I would not call it love, but I do feel something, an intense inatuation, crush or whatever...I knew the heartbreak was inevitable and I guess I was avoiding dealing with it.
He has feelings too. Why does everyone assume that he is the bad guy here? The student knew he was in his relationship but she started seeing him anyway. Whatever they had, it was consensual. Whatever they had, was based on what each other needed. It's easy to be righteous but why not see it from the other side? Why is there 'blame' at all?
the morality or lack thereof in this situation wasn';t why the poster posted....she posted to say that it wasn't currently affecting the lessons...I think that the issues of telling his girlfriend etc, were not issues she was seeking advice on...
I do appreciate that having a crush on someone in an area where solid alternatives are not avialable is a problem...I let myself use that and his financial situation keep me in a bad situation for far too long...I now make a 2 1/2 hour drive each way for lessons...it is well worth it to have a good situation
Well a break may be good in helping you get a better handle on emotions. And, as fasc says, it may be worth while driving a lot further and/or dealing with the increased difficulties of dance lessons.
mutual lust is another name for chemistry...non-mutual lust is another name for torment...at least in the short run...in the long run, it's all usually torment...am grateful that I only know about the non-mutual part
I suppose there's some benefit to having come to dance a little older. While I enjoyed the attentions and flirtations of the attractive young ladies who were my teachers, I never for a moment considered there to be any possibility that the flirtation corresponded to any real desire.
There may be the rare circumstances when a relationship between a teacher and a student is a genuine, mutual, equal affection, but unless I see evidence to the contrary, I will always assume the relationship is immature at best, and predatory at worst.
yeah...I think it is a bit more complex when one is dancing with someone one's own age...if one hasn't already learned the hard way
This has been one of the issues that led me down this path...age...I am younger than all his other students and he and I are close in age so we connected well. As an update, I had class yesterday and it was awkward...now that I have decided our relationship should not continue, something I was thinking about for a while anyway, it is harder to be near him. I feel sad and I was not focusing on my dancing...I hope it gets better with time. I appreciate the suggestions of taking time off or driving longer distance to another studio...I love dance too much to be away from it. In fact I go into a state of withdrawal when I'm not dancing...as far as driving, it would be over 2 hour drive each way for me to go to a bigger town with other options. With my job taking up as much time as it does, that won't be possible for me.
I'm sorry you're going through this. But as adults, we must accept the consequences of our actions, even consequences we were unfortunate enough not to anticipate.
It may get easier with time and it may not. I think a lot of it will depend on how he handles the situation. If he is determined to approach it in a mature manner, there's a decent chance the two of you can overcome your difficult history. If he doesn't, it could be a very uncomfortable situation that may not recover. Choices, actions, consequences... Welcome to the real world. In any case, hugs.
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