Crush on Instructor...

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by summer280, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    I disagree; though it seems to me that people often say one when the other would be more correct.
  2. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    I agree, DL. There are all kinds of chemistry, not all of which involves a sexual attraction. Lust is lust and may actually have nothin' to do at all with chemistry or the other person at all...
  3. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    every attraction/addiction has a withdrawl and requires active distancing...which doesn't include being within sniffing distance of the substance (so to speak)...if you love DANCE enough...you will find another way to get it...my pro, who is 2 1/2 hours away, makes it possible for me to travel in a way that works with my job...you can't dismiss your options without exploring them and still make a convincing argument for being willing to leave the guy....you can only be miserable and decieve yourself for so long...been there, done that, bought the shirt, mug and lovely handbag
    Wannabee likes this.
  4. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    I have explored my options as there were times before when I knew I should end this and move on and the travelling does not work for me. My job involves very long hours and little time off. It's really my fault for being in this dilemma. I wouldn't say I am addicted to him, but I do have feelings and they are going to be tough to get over. But I think it is possible. Beyond this, he is a great teacher and I always liked learning from him
  5. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

  6. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    Hmm. No offense, but, in the instances where I've had to get over a romantic break-up and in the instances where I've had to move on from an unhealthy dance relationship, the only thing that helped me was distance, and a lot of it.

    I know you're not me. Just sayin. If I wanted to end a relationship that I perceived as "wrong" and that the other person had given no indication that they also wanted to end, I would hightail it outta there. Otherwise, I could easily see myself in a cycle of lapse-feel guilty-rationalize, lapse-feel guilty-rationalize.

    For the purposes of clear-headed decision-making, I would consider whether/how to end this relationship as a completely separate issue from whether/how to continue to dance.

    If you really want to end this relationship, end it. Then start figuring out how to keep dancing. If you really don't want to end the relationship, own it. Then explore your feelings of guilt and whether there's a possible resolution. But don't kid yourself that you can hang out in the bakery all day, smelling fresh-baked cookies, and stay on your diet. Admittedly, it's possible. But is it likely?
    Wannabee likes this.
  7. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    Have been doing better than I thought I would after ending the relationship. But I have my moments. Am seriously considering travelling 2 hours one way to do dance classes elsewhere. That would be the closest I can go. But part of me is torn and wants to stay and continue dancing with him. It's like I'm holding on to dance with him even though the relationship was ended. It's been much harder than I thought. How far do any of you go for your dance classes? Just wondering...and trying to make a decision...
  8. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for checking back in. *hugs*

    I know fasc drives quite a distance. She might be able to help guide you in terms of pros and cons of a long commute for lessons.
  9. Bailamosdance

    Bailamosdance Well-Known Member

    We routinely travel hours each way. We found out quickly that there is no shortcut to quality andgood coaching you must go for. The couples that traded convenience for quality never progressed
  10. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I cannot state this strongly enough...leave that studio and do not even entertain visiting...at all...ever....I travel 2 1/2 hours each way to my lessons, it saved my sanity and improved my dancing...you will not heal or be free of misery until you do...that is a fact.....
  11. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    there are no cons to driving, because you focus and you take your lesson ...and that...is that
  12. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    I don't go two hours, but it's a good 40 minutes, and when I started in Boston it was much the same. I do it for good instruction, you should do it for your peace of mind if nothing else.
  13. bia

    bia Well-Known Member

    DH and I go 2 1/2 hours each way for quality instruction in our preferred style. It's sustainable for us, but I won't kid you -- it's harder than having a local studio. We don't go every week, so our improvement is slower than it would be with more frequent lessons. It takes a full day -- leave home mid-morning, eat sandwich lunch while driving, two hour lesson, often a quick errand in the big city since we're there, and then arrive back home at dinner time. We can't use that studio for practice space, group lessons after work, or social/performance events (except for the occasional big one, when we get a hotel for the night. We don't usually want that expense or extra time away from home). But it's the best of our options -- the only way for us to keep dancing what we want to dance. So we do it, and we're grateful for the opportunity.
  14. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    i drive 1.5 hrs each way to work with one pro in smooth and /or our rhythym coaches

    or pro am partners are in Calif so we fly to them fri nite work sat sun come home sunday nite

    ya gotta do what ya gotta do for the quality
    frotes and Larinda McRaven like this.
  15. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    you also have to completely get away from a crush...for years, if not forever
  16. leee

    leee Active Member

    Well, in the context of crushes, perhaps -- but more generally? That's another story (and another thread/forum/board).
  17. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    that is my only point...you can talk yourself out of anything


    having said that, I truly don't find travelling to lessons such a big deal...I have been doing it for almost 5 years
    Bailamosdance likes this.
  18. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yes. Particularly if you're crushing. Rationalization is easy. Setting limits is hard.


    I used to commute 70 miles each way (about an hour and a half) to work every day for about two years. It may have been less than two years. It seemed like forever. I'm not cut out for long commutes, so, for me, there would be huge down sides to driving that far for anything, which is not to say I wouldn't do it. I'd just want to get some input on what potential trade-offs might be and what, if anything, I could do to make the best of (what I would find) a challenging situation. I think this is a separate conversation from the whole crush thing.
  19. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    sure...and I also think there is a huge difference between driving to what you have to do and driving to what you love to do...and admittedly, I have a great car and generally love driving, except when I am sleepy or in pain....for me, it's quiet time
    wooh likes this.
  20. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    Yeah, that's true--I like driving, so longer commutes are not a huge issue, so long as it's not the Mass Pike. (There is nothing that would make the Pike fun.)

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