Crush on Instructor...

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by summer280, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    I feel really stupid and I am beating myself up over my bad choices and lack of good judgement. Are many dance teachers unscrupulous like this? It makes me feel disillusioned and sad. I will continue dancing, just not with him at that studio. It will be a challenge to find another teache and work out the driving distance. Right now all I am concerned about is two things- getting ove him and continuing to dance
  2. JANATHOME

    JANATHOME Well-Known Member

    Drive an hour one way to studio, usually 3 times a week and I hate to drive!
    The upside is on the way home I have this hour all by myself to think through what I learned at the lesson.
    Same distance home but the drive home always goes much faster with my head full of thoughts.
  3. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    All you can do is try to forgive yourself for being human. That is not the same thing as making excuses. It's just true. You're human and humans sometimes do things they regret. Someone earlier in this thread said that the measure of whether you really regret poor choices is whether you learn from them and make different choices in future. That's what you're doing. That's all you can do. Make different choices.
  4. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    "Two people are walking down the road in opposite directions. A has money, B has experience. After they meet, and continue on their separate ways, A has experience, and B has money."
    Don't beat yourself up for not having the experience to recognize the situation in the beginning. But do learn from the experience.
  5. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    it also does no good demonizing the other...though it may prove temporarily benefical in separating
  6. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    IME, about one out of...um...twenty or so. And most people figure out who the jerks are and it doesn't do much for their careers in the long term. They're generally not good at hiding it for long. Just keep dancing, chalk it up to a lesson learned, and keep on plugging away.
  7. Terpsichorean Clod

    Terpsichorean Clod Moderator

    Unscrupulous dance teachers aren't as common as you might think. And as you become a wiser, better person, you'll be even less likely to put yourself in bad situations with those few.
    I think this is a very good start. Also, maybe recognizing that there are unscrupulous people everywhere, both teachers and students (as evidenced by your own example).

    Kudos to you for recognizing and owning up to your own mistakes. All the best in your teacher search. Breaks are okay, just don't stop dancing. :)
  8. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    Let us also distinguish between unscrupulous, and lacking in good judgement.
    pygmalion likes this.
  9. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    I'm trying and this is soooooo hard. It was hard to tell him I'm not coming back and he made me feel quite bad about it. Also in spite of everything, I am having a tough time getting over him emotionally. I keep thinking of dancing with him and all the fun times we had and how we connected. I am taking a two week break and will return to dancing with another teacher. I think it's harder right now becos not only am I missing him, I'm also not dancing. I'm hoping this gets better, cos right now its like a pain in my chest that won't go away.
  10. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yeah. I can only imagine how hard. It hurts, trying to get over someone. But I think that, since you felt your relationship with him was wrong, sticking to your guns is the very best thing you can do. Staying at the studio in response to his guilt trip you won't make things easier, except in the very short term. Sticking around at the studio would just be prolonging the agony or postponing the inevitable (Cliches both, but also both true.) Staying around him would, IMO, be like ripping your scab off every day and expecting yourself to heal. I really, really believe that you need some distance.

    I'll also say what I have spent this entire thread trying not to say. As my Mom, my Grandmom and Great-Grandmom all told me repeatedly when I was growing up, "Any man who will cheat with you will cheat on you." Obviously, that's a generalization so it's not 100% true, BUT you are the one showing remorse about this relationship. From what you've said, he is not. Are you even sure the GF is really history? You have only the word of a cheater for it.


    Seriously. Seriously. Please do what fasc has repeatedly advised and, no matter how hard it is, stay away from this guy. Go back to dance when you can. Find another teacher. Drive a longer distance, if you have to. Do what you have to. But, whatever you do, please stay away from this guy. Judging only by what you have said, this guy is bad news for you. Judging only by your own words, a relationship with him violates YOUR value system. Don't put yourself in a position where you are tempted to violate yourself. Please.
    GGinrhinestones likes this.
  11. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    Yes, you are right and I appreciate the support. I am not planning to go back, but it is so much harder than I thought it would be. I am even leaving some lessons on the table that I had already paid for. I feel sad and disappointed and disillusioned. Inspite of everything, the memories of all the laughter and joking, and fun and dancing, keep invading my thoughts, and he s making it harder to quit by begging me to stay.
  12. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    he can't beg you if you don't make yourself available...this is a cold turkey sort of thing
    Purr likes this.
  13. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    you won't get better unless you leave...I promise you that....now if you choose to torment yourself by allowing your thoughts to re-visit fond memories, I promise you that you are prolonging your agony and haven't totally given up on him....which you aren't going to be able to do there...even with another teacher....but, you will realize this once you have suffered enough...you can speed it up by doing the difficult thing...yes, it will hurt like hell but you have a chance of getting better than way, instead of continuing to dance with the devil...no pun intended
  14. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    I did leave. He texted me two days back. I don't think he will text again. Unfortunately, I can't control my thoughts as easily.
  15. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    get into the habit of redirecting your thoughts....and I don't say any of this to sound uncompassionate...but don't respond to him and don't dance there with someone else......again, completely up to you but...so is the cost in pain..hug
  16. Wannabee

    Wannabee Well-Known Member

    If only our hearts would cooperate with what we know in our minds is best for us. This is going to stink, for a long time. Unfortunately, there is no way around that. And only the lapse of time will make it less acutely painful. But I'm proud of you for making this decision. Hold your head up high and find little things to make you smile. It WILL get better. Hugs...
    Purr and pygmalion like this.
  17. Been there, done that. But actually I didn't get crushed. Over time my feelings sort of matured and stabilized, and became more reasonable. I still think the object of my erstwhile crush is a wonderful, delightful person, and beautiful too, but I handle it differently now. In other words I quit being a nutcase.

    I see her once in a while now and we are very comfortable with each other. We talk a bit to catch up and dance a few rounds, then we say 'bye' and I go. It's good.

    My point is, keep your wits and it doesn't have to end badly.
  18. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I think, given her back story....if you read it...the circumstance is very different
    pygmalion likes this.
  19. You're right. Maybe I should add that as a coda to my own ancient thread. But it's been dormant so long I don't really want to bump it so I'll let it go.
  20. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    not a problem...it's just that...well...she is in such a complex and intimate scenario that I think suggesting some sort of "good neighbor" arrrangement is fraught with much additional suffering and I want her to know that ...but I am very happy for you that your scenario leveled out and righted itself before it hit a spot where that could not be possible

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