Crush on Instructor...

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by summer280, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    Yes.
     
    pygmalion likes this.
  2. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    Put yourself in a position to socialize with broader pool of single guys. For example, try starting or joining a loose "clique" (loaded word, nobody jump on it please) of folks who go to local social dances together.
     
    pygmalion likes this.
  3. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yup. The general dance forum (and a few other forums, come to think of it) are littered with the bodies of people who ignored the very good advice DOI gave. Dating a dance teacher is often a delusion and, even when it's not, it's usually a bad idea.

    DL is right, IMO. Find some other guys to socialize with.
     
  4. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    I have a good social life and groups of friends to hang out with. I don't know why it seems that I have been drawn to dancers. Maybe because it's something very different to my real life. In any case, I do see the dangers of dating a dance teacher. I just feel it's so unfair that I can't or shouldn't.
     
  5. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    It's not can't or shouldn't. It's that many, many people before you have been tempted to do so, just like you were in the past. For most of them, it hasn't worked out, if their stories in DF are anything to go by.

    Either the student approaches the teacher who doesn't reciprocate the interest and things get awkward. Or the student yearns for/fantasizes about the teacher and is in agony. Or the teacher pursues the student and gets a reputation for being a creep. Or the teacher and student do date, things don't work out and things get awkward. Or the teacher and student want to date, but the studio's non-fraternization policy bites the teacher in the butt. Or the teacher and student do date and things get awkward with the teacher's other students. And so on. There are so many unhappy scenarios. Is there a possibility of happily ever after? Sure. Is it worth the risk to find out? For most people who've told their stories here, no.
     
  6. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    FWIW: I have no objection to the idea of dating a dance teacher. Just NOT MY OWN. (I mean, okay, none of mine are/were available. But the point stands.) It's just too awkward to date someone you're paying.
     
  7. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    have you taken leave of your senses?...I am sorry ...but you need to stop this....your dance teacher is your dance teacher....you will develop some attachment to most any one of them that you choose...it is seriously time to deliberately set a boundary for yourself...if you are looking for a man, look for one elsewhere...just because this one is single, does not mean that he is/should be available to you...this is a bad idea...again, the number of times that it works out is rare, and the likelihood of pain is high regardless...but play this out in your head....play out dating him and continuing to pay him for lessons, play out your feelings about him dancing with other women like yourself....play it out...play out having a lesson on days when you are fighting.....not good...I think you need to seriously make some distinctions between attraction and doing something about it....just my blunt take on it...and, if you love dance so much, not the romantic notion of falling in love with a dancer, why do you never participate anywhere else on this forum other than on this thread that revolves around this ongoing calamity?...think about that....I am not trying to be mean...I am trying to wake you up
     
  8. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    she's already played one out in spades...I am incredulous
     
  9. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yeah, girl! I'm feeling ya. :cool:

    I think that the message never got home last time around. The fact that my dance teacher is single does not make him available to me.

    It's not about single or married/committed. It's about the teacher/student relationship.

    My $0.02.
     
  10. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    I added emphasis to what you just said. Healthy romantic interactions in fact are not somehow apart from "real life".
     
  11. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    It's not really fair to say that I never post anywhere else on this forum, except this thread, because I have. Just not very much, because I like to read other people's posts and participate in that way instead. As far as have I learned my lesson, I do think I have, because it was me who went thru all the pain last time and switched teachers because I wanted to get away from that situation. The previous situation for me was more about him having a girlfriend and therefore what I did was wrong. I related it less to the fact that he was my dance teacher, and it did not seem to affect my dance lessons. This time, I am being so much more cautious as I haven't approached him or tried to do anything to act on any attraction. I think I have set boundaries, because if I had not, I would have jumped right into a relationship. But I did not, and I give myself credit for that. I do see the pitfalls of dating one's dance teacher, so thank you to all of you who are pointing that out. As far as why do I get attracted to my dance teachers, I have no good answer to that. I wish I knew. It may be because my job is so different from dance and we are attracted to opposites in some cases. It may be the fantasy of the dance world. I don't know. It may be worth exploring this further for me to understand myself better.
     
  12. dbk

    dbk Well-Known Member

    I think it's time to look for a female primary coach, or (how do I put this gently) someone severely unattractive to you. If you can't break this pattern by force of will, remove the temptation.
     
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  13. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    Mmm hmm. That is what I meant when I said the lesson didn't get home last time. Last time, for some reason, you thought that the only problem was his girlfriend. That was NOT the only problem that the TONS of people who tried to help commented on. Did you not hear them, or did you assume it was about the infidelity angle (which is serious. Make no mistake.)

    I'll just say it clearly. A teacher/student relationship is fundamentally unequal, no matter which direction you see it from. The teacher is in a position of authority. No matter how adult or mature her/his students, he/she is in a one-up position. If he/she is unscrupulous, it's way too easy to take advantage of emotionally vulnerable students. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. From the other direction, the student is the paying customer and the teacher is an employee. Going after your teacher *could be* actionable sexual harassment. Seriously. He/she is your employee and her/his continued employment is contingent on romantic interest in you? Blergh. Either way you look at it, it has the potential to get creepy and fast. And, btw the two inequalities DO NOT cancel each other out.

    You're a grown woman and can obviously do whatever you want.

    In your shoes, I'd take a close look at why I was so attracted to unavailable/inaccessible men who were not from my real life. In the time you've been in DF, you have managed to find attractions to two dance teachers. *rhetorical question* How many non-dance ordinary guys were you attracted to in that time, especially since you have a group of guys and gals you regularly socialize with? Why only dance teachers, if that's the case?


    The thing common to these two scenarios is you. Take a look. In the years I have been in DF, I have honestly NEVER seen anyone who went through the meat-grinder of a failed teacher student relationship and then actively sought to go back for more. I swear. Never. Once is enough for most people. Why is it not enough for you? Don't you deserve better?

    I have no idea where you post btw; I don't keep track of that stuff anymore. I'll take your word for it that you participate in threads other than this.
     
    danceronice likes this.
  14. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    Regardless of which side of the relationship you are on it is never a good idea to "date" somewhere where money is changing hands. And a good dance instructor would shoot you down instantly.

    It's perfectly fine to think someone's attractive. Does not mean you can or should ask them out.
     
  15. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    The post history on her profile page indicated 4 posts outside this thread when I checked this morning. I almost posted to defend the fairness of Fascination's comments but honestly I don't have the energy to write meaty responses on this thread.

    I suppose that people who are interested in dating dance teachers ought to go to an online dating site and look among that pool to find dance teachers there.
     
    Terpsichorean Clod likes this.
  16. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    And then DF wouldn't have many new posters and certainly wouldn't have many long threads. lol

    I could name a LOT of people who have posted primarily in threads that pertained only to their personal concerns. A lot of people. *trying to erase usernames from my mind* I contend that MANY people participate here to get what they want/need, not to contribute. I came to peace with that long ago. I'm okay with it. When people post stuff, it often helps the community, regardless of the poster's motive.

    My bottom line. When you are new at dance, it's hard not to "love" your dance teacher. (Thank goodness my first dance teacher was over the top gay. lol) You go looking for dance to fill a hole and are confronted with a beautiful, fit, muscular, sexy, tanned human being who knows more about human physiology than you ever knew was possible.


    I understand. What I don't understand is, when people tell you it's a sucker move, to insist that it's unfair that you can't make a sucker move.

    *channeling Grandma* Go on then. A hard head makes for a tender backside. Go for it.
     
  17. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    I agreed that I need to explore why I am attracted to dance teachers. I haven't acted on any of this yet because I am just more cautious now. So I don't understand getting berated for it and i certainly don't appreciate it. I think that on several levels , we cannot help who or why an attraction happens. As far as having learned from my experience, I think I have . I'm not behaving impulsively this time. I have been completely professional in all my classes thus far. No flirting or suggestive comments.
    As far as posting on other topics or 'not contributing' to this board, I don't post unless I have a question, because I feel inadequate in my knowledge of dance. Some of you have been dancing for years, and I feel I would look dumb if I try to post on any topics that others know more about due to their longer association with the dance world. So I just read instead. If that means I am not contributing, so be it.
    Bottom line- it's easy to be superior and judge mental and slam someone else . You are not in their shoes or living their life.
     
  18. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yeah. I know what it feels like to be slammed on this board, by people who have no clue about my experience.

    I really don't think that where or how much you have posted is relevant. I really don't.

    I worry about you and this dance teacher. I don't know you or him, but I pray you will stay away, at least until you understand why you're attracted to him.
     
  19. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    I'm trying is all I can say. In the end, that's all I can do. Try..
     
  20. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yes. That's all any of us can do. *hugs*
     

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