Crush on Instructor...

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by summer280, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    A) no no one berated you
    B) my point is that you show no other interest in discussing your dancing...if you cared to notice, lots of absolute newbs post about their dancing here...the basic idea is get outside yourself and only your wants and begin to interact beyond getting support...it's enriching
    c) you apparently have it all figured out and only want to hear from people who will support you...so I will bow out and leave that to people who feel gratified by that...I certainly don't share my observations for my benefit...that you aren't open to them is fine...shaking the dust...
    d) I highly doubt that you were the only one who suffered due to the previous scenario, nor will you be the only one who suffers in the next if it goes bad
    e) I am sure there are others here who will show you continued compassion...I don't find that, ultimately compassionate...my opinion...everyone is entitled to their own course of action...I know my intent regardless of how you care to frame it
     
    Terpsichorean Clod likes this.
  2. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yikes.

    No offense, f, but one of the things I really hated back when I moderated this forum, was that I didn't get to spew, even when I genuinely believed that what I was saying was the truth, whatever truth is. Moderator and forum participant are two different things. Sucked for me.


    Every one of us gets to draw the line wherever we draw it.

    I think that the OP has issues she needs to address, and I've said so, in my way, not yours. That doesn't mean I'm enabling. She has to see herself. May not happen here, but nobody's getting paid to analyze this person and nobody is asking to be analyzed. Hard for a mental health professional, I know. Nobody's asking.
     
    danceronice likes this.
  3. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    Some people posting may have a better idea than you think and are being harsh because being kind is apparently not sinking in. You ask for advice in a public forum, you take it in the manner in which it's presented and some are more blunt than others.

    You want to DANCE? Eliminate the "yet", "this time" and "thus far" from the above paragraph. Teachers are teachers, not part of the dating pool. The lesson to be learned from last time is not "find a teacher who doesn't have a girlfriend", it's "don't date your teacher." If he wanted to date you, it is his place to be an adult, make the offer, and make it clear that personal relationship would end your professional relationship because no sane, professional teacher keeps working with a student he's dating. There is no non-awkward way for you to ask him out without, at the absolute best, making him uncomfortable and probably not as interested in teaching you. You're a client. Putting any sort of pressure (and asking him on a date is pressure) on him is inappropriate because he's in a very awkward position when it comes to saying no unless you also put it that if you were dating, you'd no longer be taking lessons. And even then he's in a very strange place where if he says no, he's now got a lesson where he may feel awkward and where he may think YOU feel awkward.

    Everyone finds other people attractive ALL THE TIME. Including complete strangers. The fact you find someone attractive doesn't mean you have to act on it or do anything beyond note it and file it away. If you want to actually DANCE and aren't just looking for a way to fill a dating void of some kind, learn to ignore things like that.
     
  4. dbk

    dbk Well-Known Member

    You are getting "berated" (if that's how you choose to see it) because - while you haven't acted on it yet (your words), you seem to think it's still possibly a good idea. It's not.

    Also, because that's what happens when you ask people for their opinions - you get them. If it upsets you so much that people disapprove of your choices, why ask?

    (I do agree that how much / where you post has no bearing on this post...)
     
    Terpsichorean Clod likes this.
  5. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I am not spewing...and if you have an issue with my behavior as a moderator you can take it to the mailbox or receive an infraction for violating guidelines by discussing moderation/mods in the public forum...just like anyone else...your perspective on my behavior as a mod is of no interest to me on an active thread...what you did as a a mod is not the gold standard for the rest of us and you chose not to be one.. (edit to add) please understand the need to take it to staff mailbox if your need rises to that occasion...... my response to this OP is as a member who genuinely, out of concern, feels she needs a stern written wake up call......I have previously offered her tons of sympathy ...I also didn't say you were enabling...I said I don't find continued sympathy to be compassionate... but others, yourself included (but not especially) are free to make their own choices......she is free to post whatever she wants...she is not entitled to unconditional support...I am not analyzing her... I am simply noting that one way to stop destructive behavior is to stop repeating it...and one way to stop self-centered behavior is to stop being self focused...so participating in issues of dance outside that dysfunction might be, a healthy choice...gasp...how cruel...

    also didn't say that there weren't other folks who were narrow in their focus on DF or that they were in any way unwelcome...it was noted in this case for consideration by the OP not you, in order to point the dancer to her dancing...
     
    Terpsichorean Clod likes this.
  6. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Oy. Not personal, f. I'm out for the night. :)
     
  7. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    I do know I have issues to address. I called to make an appointment with a psychologist a couple of weeks back, not becos I think I'm crazy, but becos I want to figure out why I feel the way I do. She didn't have openings for a month, but yesterday called to say she had a cancellation, so I'm seeing her tomorrow. I am looking forward to trying to figure out why I feel like this. I don't enjoy it, and regardless of what anyone thinks, I did suffer a lot for my actions the previous time. In no way was I looking to repeat them.

    I dislike trying to post for help and support and getting instead a lot of negative reactions like I have actually done something I should not have when in reality I have not. If anything, I am trying to avoid the same mistake, which is why I was posting in the first place, NOT to get sympathy. If that's all I want, I can get it from my friends/family, not a board of strangers.

    To dbk- what in my post makes you think I thought it was a good idea? I read it again and I can't find anywhere where I said oh its a great idea, now let me do it.

    As far as posting, I didn't think I would be called to defend why I'm NOT posting in other threads. If other newbies are posting, yay for them. I'm not like them. I feel more inadequate about my dance knowlege I guess. It's not a matter of getting outside myself or whatever. I just prefer to lurk on the boards and read about dancing and get a lot of valuable info from doing that.

    I'm not looking for compassion. But I'm not looking to be judged and knocked down either. Everyone is human and noone is without faults, whatever they may be. I guess I'm glad I know my weakness and I'm proud of myself for not falling into a situation for the second time by acting solely on my feelings.
     
  8. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Not sure why how many posts you make in other threads ever became an issue. *sigh*

    I am not judging you. You are at a crossroad that you've been at before and now, you have to choose. Is dating your dance teacher worth what you paid last time? I'm guessing that your head will say no and your heart will say maybe. All I'm asking is that you listen to your head for a minute before you follow your heart this time.
     
  9. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    no one EVER questioned your suffering...no one...many, including myself, were tremendously empathetic...it was noted, however that others may ALSO have suffered because of you in the past (and may in the future)...glad you are seeking help...please re-read carefully what has been posted...very carefully

    you did do something wrong in the first case.... you are considering doing something that could be harmful in the future...help is giving someone an honest assessment..stern is not berating...think about the long history of my responses to you

    you weren't asked to defend your posting...you were asked to reflect upon why you don't post anywhere else...perhaps before getting defensive about that, you might try to hear my point which is that one of the ways to stop fixating on the instructor is to focus more on the dancing... to feel so strongly about IT that you might consider widening your focus here...you gave an answer, that is fine...I take you at your word...the question was asked as a point of something to reflect upon...hence the other numerous times when I said "play it out in your head"....

    you said you were looking for help...help is in the eye of the beholder I guess...yes, we all have weaknesses ...and we all fall to them occasionally or more often...most of us are grateful for the people in our lives who are willing to look like the bad guy in order to get us to take a hard look at ourselves when we are playing with fire...yes, it is true that you haven't repeated a catastrophe....that's great...and if you aren't going to again, that's great....
     
    danceronice likes this.
  10. clumsy fellow

    clumsy fellow Active Member

    Find a new hobby...
     
    danceronice and freeageless like this.
  11. freeageless

    freeageless Active Member

    I like your post. You are obviously very intelligent. I think that you are wise to go see a therapist. I do have some questions for you. Since you know that you get attracted to seemingly unavailable dance teachers, why do you take private lessons with a male teacher? Why don't you take group classes only-where you may find available single men to dance with, and maybe form relationships with? You say that you know your weaknesses. If that is in fact the case, aren't you also unable to act rationally-and not take private lessons with male teachers whose charms, you cannot resist? These are things you may wish to explore with your therapist.
     
    pygmalion likes this.
  12. dbk

    dbk Well-Known Member

    Don't buy into the idea that psychologists are for crazies. They're there to help you figure things out, and work through issues. Making the choice to see one is an excellent step - a strength, not a weakness.

    Well....

    It's clear that part of you thinks this is a good idea. You are looking for reasons to make it so that this isn't a bad idea (even though the wiser part of you knows it is). And you are getting upset because the people on this board aren't giving you permission, and are being critical of your choices. Although I do agree that some have wandered away from the topic at hand.

    Please understand, I personally am not as exhausted or upset by your posts, like others seem to be. But I'm not going to blow sunshine up your arse - I'm going to give you my opinion of your situation as best I can via an online forum. If you don't want the opinions of people who don't know your situation well enough, or you need to be handled with kid gloves, I'd suggest avoiding online forums. (And no, that is not me telling you to leave! Just don't let yourself get upset over internet forums.)
     
    fascination likes this.
  13. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    So for what, exactly, are you looking?
     
  14. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I too am neither exhausted nor upset...if I was either, I wouldn't have responded at all...and, of course, it is my hope that whatever path is chosen is one that wreaks far less havoc than the previous one...while some of what I have suggested may seem to be an aside, there was a purpose for it regardless of whether or not the connection seems clear or valid to others... I completely respect the right that people have to think that it has no bearing...I do (which is why I mentioned it)...but I am cool with others not seeing it....
     
  15. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    help and support were her exact words
     
  16. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    Please also understand that some of us have already expended considerable time, energy, thought, compassion, and ... work ... on this very topic multiple times. I find that I'm not a boundless source of aid of this sort. Don't take that personally; but do recognize that the effort needed to try to help in these discussions can be substantial. Luckily we're not all similarly worn at the same time.
     
  17. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    That's vague, though, IMO.
     
  18. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Sometimes when people say they want help, what they really want is what dbk? mentioned. Agreement or permission. Sometimes REAL help feels unhelpful, in the moment. That's called tough love.
     
  19. clumsy fellow

    clumsy fellow Active Member


    This.
     
  20. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    This. I think that, a lot of the time, when I have gone through personal crises, it's been easy for me to think that everybody should give me unlimited help and resources. Yeah well. They can't and even if they could, they probably shouldn't, if what they really want to do is help me, long term.

    No judgment, sbrnsmith. Decide what you want to do and do it. But be aware that every choice comes with costs and consequences, not just benefits.

    re: Not all worn out at the same time. Amen, DL. I think that each of us has our strengths, weaknesses, limits, values, etc. Each of us is going to approach challenges in different ways. That's okay. Just because I've reached my limit doesn't make it wrong or lacking judgment/REAL compassion for someone else to have not reached theirs yet. It takes a village of different approaches to hold us all together, as a community. That's my view.

    I also think that the OP is late. There are so many people before her who have posted similar crises that a lot of people are worn out on the topic. That may have nothing to do with the OP. (Or it might. I just got through a nasty break-up with a dance teacher, so I'm looking or another one? Not so much.) Right off the top of my head, I can think of several people who had similar issues and with whom the collective DF family went around in circles to an excruciating extent.


    Bottom line. I have learned through DF and many personal experiences that I won't share that acquiescence is not kind. Truth is kind, but only if it's delivered in a way that it can be received. That is my view.

    My truth for the OP is this. Do not even attempt to date this dance teacher. Period. It might even be a good idea to avoid dating anyone until you understand more about yourself. No judgment. Wanting to date a beautiful person doesn't make you a bad person. But acting on your impulses without thinking about consequences might hurt a lot of people, starting with you.
     

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