Crush on Instructor...

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by summer280, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    sometimes truth can be deilvered kindly, and not be received, sometimes it can be delivered firmly in hopes that it will be jarring enough to have a chance to get in once the bruised ego has time to get over it, sometimes it is delivered unkindly and that is unfortunate, because then it is about some issue of the person delivering it....there is a difference...even though the receiver might think the second variety is unkind....

    I think the collective patience of this forum is lengthy, but I also think the common sense of the members is going to dictate that when something seems particularly hazardous, after empathy has been applied for a good long while, there will begin to be a bit of an outcry...for sensible reasons...and though folks are all entitled to respond uniquely, either firmly or softly ...as to which approach will be useful or beneficial, that may remain a mystery...I personally reject the notion that the problem is a lack of patience or subject fatigue...it is a very important subject...that is my view.

    as to open-ness regarding receiving help; I recall a time when I was eager to show my dancing to get advice...so I sent my dance video to our dear friend Laura (former DFer)....she said great things about my dancing, but she also said that it seemed as though my pro wasn't much better than me....I wasn't ready to hear this AT ALL....partly because of my own crush...she didn't say it unkindly or kindly, she said it matter or factly...but I decided that it was unkind and unsolicited and that she couldn't possibly know...but I had asked for her assessment ...this rankled me for a long time.....but she was right...and it wasn't fair of me to be upset.....shrug....I am grateful for what she tried to do...she was the first of many....
    pygmalion likes this.
  2. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I dunno, f. I know folks who've read any of my posts are probably tired of hearing it, but I think there's a balance to be found.

    "I'm giving you what I perceive to be the ugly truth even though I'm missing some of the facts" doesn't necessarily go over well, especially when the advice being asked for is personal/heartfelt/painful. I think that's normal and natural. I think that it places a lot of responsibility on both parties. The advice giver needs to be cognizant of the fact that she/he doesn't have all the facts and try to deliver the message in a way that he/she thinks will be effective -- kind, stern, whatever they think will work. The advice seeker/receiver (I think) needs to be appreciative and respectful of the advice giver, even if he/she can't stomach the actual advice yet.

    My take? People don't always have a clue of what's going on in my world. That doesn't stop them from being able to reflect *accurately* what they see from their vantage point. That doesn't necessarily make their observations 100% correct, but it does make their observations valuable, if I am humble enough to value them.

    It's very hurtful to spend ones weekend choosing words carefully and pondering a complete stranger's quandary, only to have them say that they "don't appreciate" being "slammed." Well ya know. You lost me at "don't appreciate." You're right. You don't. OTOH, I remember more than a few instances, both here in DF and IRL, where somebody felt they had to tell me their truth about what I was/wasn't doing. Sucked big time. I handled it better sometimes than others. At the end of the day, years later, some of the feedback I received was spot on. Some was middle of the road innocuous. Some was laughably wrong. Some was more about their issues than mine. But all was well intended. I appreciate the time and emotion that was spent on trying to help me.

    In short. If you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question. AND having the "truth" isn't a free pass to beat someone over the head with it.
  3. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    And sometimes you can deliver the truth COD, you can send it Western Union, you can hire skywriters and singing telegrams, and no matter how blunt or how nice or how profane or how sweet or if you say it in English or French or Esperanto, it's going to be taken badly because it is NOT what the person wants to hear. Even if you have been through a very similar situation and just want to pass on what you've learned (and I'm sure I'm not the only one whose advice is coming from my own experience) sometimes all someone really wants to hear is "No, really, it's okay, you do what feels good, you're right."
    fascination likes this.
  4. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Oh! You crack me up!! Until yesterday (or was it Saturday?) I saw no indication that the OP needed honesty delivered by FedEx Ground. Give her a minute. I think she'll be all right.
  5. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    certainly..
    certainly balance is important...nowhere have I stated otherwise...certainly knowing that one's own truth may not be thee truth for all, or even best for another's situation, is evident...that being said, we will all chose the approach we find best to reach the person seeking help....sometimes a light thump on the head is appropriate...not a bludgeon...we will have to agree to disagree about degree of force used ...by any of us
  6. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    *putting bludgeon away* :D

    Works for me. :)
    Mr 4 styles likes this.
  7. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    more like oiling nicely and resheathing.. waiting for the next opportunity:confused: KKIDDING
    pygmalion likes this.
  8. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    So many things I could say and actually did before I erased them. lol.

    BOT. I genuinely hope that sbrnsmith will check in when she can. It's really hard, when interactions on the web make you feel exposed and judged.

    *hugs to you, sb*

    IOW Yup. lol
  9. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    PM me next time;)
    pygmalion likes this.
  10. Gorme

    Gorme Active Member

    I think this issue is deeper than a relationship with a dance instructor. I think that any man that is of an authoritative position who she interacts with on a frequent basis can become a target of attraction.
  11. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yeah. From what little I know, I agree. I think it's up to her to figure out what's going on. I hope she does. *sigh*
  12. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    this is a natural reaction by females........ as a man in authority .. dont i know it;)
  13. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    All you need now is a uniform. oops. And that would be ... scrubs! lol.
    Mr 4 styles likes this.
  14. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    HHAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA yep so true
  15. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    IME, this sort of generalization never leads threads anywhere good.
    dbk and Bailamosdance like this.
  16. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    Agree

    perhaps but this reaction is rooted in biology.. the drive to survive and procreate with the best of the species

    biologically we are not, as a species, where we THINK we are ( or would like to be) socially sad but true

    to deny otherwise is *best spock voice* illogical:cool:
  17. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    I am glad I was able to see the psychologist today and had a good session with a lot of insight. I plan to continue with her as I felt comfortable and she was not judgemental and was able to give me some good suggestions. I had been feeling so bad about myself that it was good to know I'm not the first or last person to make the same kind of mistake.

    Basically, she feels that my job has something to do with this...I am a physician and I work in a hospital. I am used to being in a position of authority and making daily important decisions involving peoples lives. Most of my friends/people I hang out with are also physicians. Coming from that, when I went for dance classes, I am not in charge, but someone else who knew so much more about dance than I can ever hope to. When I walk into the studio, not only do all the stresses of my day fall away, but here I can relax, not have to worry that what I am doing impacts someone else's life significantly, and simply learn and do what he asks me to do. I don't have to make decsions, just learn. I get his undivided attention for 2 hours. I am hooked. Growing up, I always wanted to learn dance but never had the opportunity. Now I have the means to do so, and my job though demanding is also giving me enough time off that I can do this and take classes. According to her it was a set up for someone like me to feel attracted to someone like my dance teacher. I have met and interacted with other men in authority figures, but it was never quite like this. I never felt the way I did the last time. This time instead of falling into an impulsive pattern of repeating my previous behavior, it was a good thing I hit pause. That meant I realized and knew this was a destructive pattern for me, and insight is the first most important thing in being able to deal with a situation like this. When I posted on this thread, of course on some level I wanted permission from you all that is is ok to do this, even though I knew it wasn't. I know you are all correct, whatever method you chose to convey that. And of course I appreciate the time and effort to respond to a stranger and try to help. Bottom line is that I want to continue working with her, because I think it's helping me to delve in and understand myself. She did not at this time suggest stopping my classes, but did want me to completely refrain from trying to get into any kind of relationship with him beyond class. So I feel very hopeful. Thank you all for listening.
    Gorme and dbk like this.
  18. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

  19. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    You may well be right that there are biological tendencies towards certain kinds of behaviors. Nonetheless, ascribing a behavior (or even a tendency) to *all* females/males seems to me to be a too-simplistic interpretation of the underlying science.

    In any case, regardless of which finer points about that can be argued, 1) I doubt, based on experience, that it will lead the thread anywhere good and 2) in any case it seems off-topic to me. At any rate I won't say more on this subject here.
  20. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    Your post sounds very encouraging. I do not mean to dump on you but for completeness I offer the following for you and for future readers:

    On the "strictly dancing" side, the part I quote above seems like a healthy release valve.

    On the not-so-strictly-dancing side: Undertaking a romantic relationship (whether or not related to dancing), does impact someone else's life significantly, in real life. The impact can be good or bad, depending on how the relationship is undertaken. Lack of mindfulness in this regard is IMO unlikely to lead to happiness for all concerned. Doctor-patient relationships are not the only ones in which doctors have significant impact on the lives of others (and so on for lawyers, dance teachers, etc., etc.).

    Again, my purpose is not to dump; rather it is to highlight a perhaps-under-appreciated perspective.
    fascination likes this.

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