Crush on Instructor...

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by summer280, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    Your point is well taken DL. It may seem strange, but most physicians I know don't think of stuff outside of our work as affecting/significantly impacting others and our lives.
  2. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    It's strange, yes (don't you think it strange?), but not revelatory -- or I wouldn't have written that post.
  3. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    I can see that being a doctor thing. (No, I'm not, the only sort of medicine I'd be good at is pathology because the patients don't talk. No, not even veterinary, I'd be too inclined to smack my clients' owners.)
  4. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Also not dumping, sbrn, but really? In the current scenario with the dance teacher, as (I think) fasc alluded to earlier. Assuming a relationship happens (a big assumption. He has a say in things, too, you know. ;) ) have you not considered possible fallout to his career and business? After any affair/relationship was over, he'd still have to make a living in dance probably at that studio; you'd be free to leave. In the previous scenario, did you not consider the agony of his GF to whom he was unfaithful? Infidelity is a profound betrayal, even if they weren't married. No. You weren't the unfaithful one. But you knowingly colluded in hurting an innocent person. Did you not consider the impact to his reputation? How about the loss of income, when you stopped taking lessons from him? (Other stuff, but no need to beat a dead horse.)

    Your actions impact other people, even when you're not at the hospital.


    I am glad that you're talking to someone IRL who can be a non-judgmental confidante/adviser/whatever else psychologists are. I'm also glad you're finding a release through dance. I can't imagine the burden you carry every day at work.

    I appreciate the work you do and I wish you peace. :)
    danceronice likes this.
  5. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    You are crazy! That's what I like about you. :)
  6. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I think many of us who have worked in stressful professional venues where we have been expected to be the expert can relate and empathize with needing a place where we can decompress and not be in the driver's seat...that being said, we are still responsible for ourselves and how we impact others....all the time...
    Debra and pygmalion like this.
  7. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    Yes ma'am. All the time
  8. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    and, we are all going to navigate that poorly from time to time...sometimes even terribly...it's important to reflect both upon what was not our doing and on what we can learn about what was our doing and what can be worked on in the future...best way to learn...because the alternative is more pain
  9. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    True. And blowing off steam on the internet is a heck of a lot less damaging than jumping into another dangerous scenario feet first.

    And kudos are in order for hitting the pause button.
    danceronice and fascination like this.
  10. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

  11. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    I made my point carefully and gently, and it was acknowledged. When OP allowed that she perceives a "mindfulness gap" such as I described among her colleagues, she asserted neither that it was justified nor that it was an inescapable characteristic of the profession. So, as far as I'm concerned, that's that.
  12. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    To answer the previous question, yes, I did think about all those things when I was involved with my previous dance teacher. I didn't want to hurt his career, I didn't want to hurt the girlfriend, and I didn't want to do anything that would be all that. But because I was feeling so good, when I was with him, I just let it continue, so I could still feel that high, like a druggie who knows its wrong but can't stop. Being never too far from reality howeve allowed me to see it was wrong and get out of it. Yes it did affect his life too, but I may add this was a consensual relationship, and he was just as responsible as me for the consequences.
    Anothe thing the therapist said was that I see and deal with sad and hard and ugly situations all the time. Dance gives me beauty and art and it's so different and so liberating to be able to walk into the studio and get away from that. It's an escape from the day, a bit of a refuge. It calms me down, it helps me function better. This is just dance and not the feelings for the teacher. I find I look forwad to class all through my day and it brings a smile to my face. This is what I need to separate out and wok on. Keep all of the joyful feelings associated with dance and let go the other ones. Someone else had mentioned I need to have other hobbies, and I actually do. I am a runner and I also practice yoga. Each of these brings me different kinds of stress relief.
    The other thing my therapist mentioned is that I was flattered by the attention from the teacher. He is flity and fun, and I realize its all part of the dance world. But oh so easy to fall into and feel special. A man in authority, telling me what to do and how to move my body and then also telling me how good I look. I just felt like I wanted more of that, even outside the studio, and that's where the reality check was necessary.

    Sorry for the disjointed post. As I remember more from my session, I'm typing it out.
    pygmalion likes this.
  13. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    You have courage. You'll make it through this.
  14. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    On a lighter note, I never did get to "know" you through your other posts that were about dancing. *rhetorical* What kind of dance classes and private lessons do you take? Any chance you can get your group of friends to go out with you to dance venues in your town? Back when I lived in another town, I had a group of dance buddies and we'd go to all sorts of weird and wonderful dance places around town. It was all the fun of dancing without any of the potential intensity of a one-on-one lesson.

    Not asking for any personal disclosures. Just floating some ideas. :)
    Bailamosdance likes this.
  15. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    As far as the strictly-ballroom aspect: This sounds encouraging.

    As for the remainder:

    I just re-read your early posts; and I suggest that eventually you do the same. I think I couldn't agree with "never too far from reality".

    You might end up in an appropriate relationship with a guy you meet in the dance world. It may well be appropriately flirty and fun and flattering, and make you feel special. Romance with those characteristics isn't ipso-facto wrong! However I hope any such relationship will also be grounded in real life, and reflect a genuine sharing of lives (including sad and hard and ugly situations) that goes deeper than the superficial "magic" of dancing. On many facets, dancing is about the creation of illusion. Don't wander (nor lead anyone) through the desert chasing a mirage. Real-world relationships (of all sorts) are hard work; but at least they don't leave you trying to drink sand.
  16. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    As far as my classes, I tried group lessons in the past, but I did not enjoy them and felt I learn better in a one on one setting. I have been taking classes in Smooth and American Rhythm. Unfortunately, none of my friends take dance classes so cannot discuss dance with them. I have a couple of dance friends and we occasionally meet and go for a drink to talk about dance. Have not done much social/club dancing. I prefer my private classes, rather than dancing with another amateur, no offense intended to anyone.
    As far as real worl relationships, I understand those are a lot of work. I didn't mean to imply that I am not living in the real world or trying to escape reality, rather the dance world just gives me a much needed break from harsh realities...but understand the point you are trying to make.
    I have a class coming up on thursday, and am a bit anxious because I don't want to seem 'off' in any way to my teacher and make him wonder what is going on. I just want to be normal. I'm going to try and use some of the suggestions given by my therapist...
  17. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Dance teacher and relationship drama aside for a moment. As a dance student, group classes can be a really good, relatively low-cost supplement to private lessons. They're also a good place to learn to dance with somebody other than a hired professional. Your dance teacher is *probably* the best lead you've ever danced with and can compensate for every dumb mistake you *will* make (we all do.) In group classes, not so much. You actually have to ... follow. *grin* An added bonus is that you'll be exposed to other people, guys and girls, who share an interest in dance. May seem lame at this point, but that is where I met my dance buddies. Buddies can be a very good thing to have. :)
    freeageless, Gorme and Steven123 like this.
  18. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    Eh. I hate group classes except in very specific circumstances and I only have really enjoyed social dancing one place. New studio's okay, but not as much fun as my old one when it comes to parties. (Then again, who is?) As far as following, I have to do that with my pros FAR more than in a group class, where it's a crapshoot if the guy leads or is just guessing and you just practice your steps and more or less ignore him. But if the group class is teaching the same figures/routine you're using in your privates, they're good for drilling in some cases.

    And I have zero interest in dancing with an am. Nothing wrong with that. However, all three of my teachers are very much off the market and more or less not my type anyway. (No, not saying who is more and who is less.)
  19. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    Chiming in, saying some of the same things in different ways.

    It is very natural to be attracted to your dance teacher. They are giving you their full attention (one hopes) during the lesson, and you are learning something fun with them, with romantic implications (when you are starting out at least), and it is in their best financial interest to put you at your ease, maybe flirt with you a little bit, etc.

    That being said, a romantic relationship with someone you pay for services, well, do I really need to say anything more?

    I was certainly attracted to my first few dance teachers. But I also went to group classes, and went to many dance socials. I met many nice single ladies that were available and were fun to dance with, and I met my wife that way. Having been a teacher, and being extremely cognizant of what to me would be an abuse of my position and a betrayal of trust to date a student, I never would have asked any of my teachers out for a date. And any teacher that is willing to date a student, in my mind, has got some serious gaps in their ethical thinking.
  20. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    I don't think you do understand the point I was trying to make, but for the time being I won't try to make it another way.

    Regarding other comments:

    I think I read that you've been dancing for around three years. Now you say you're not interested in social dancing, nor dancing with group classmates. Yet, you have been pursuing partner dancing, as opposed to (say) jazz, ballet, tap, modern, etc. Here's a rhetorical question: What about partner dancing made it seem more appealing to you?

    ETA
    I intend that rhetorical question to be construed very narrowly with application to a particular individual in a particular context. I have no desire to encroach on more general pro-am/am-am subject matter.
    freeageless and fascination like this.

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