Crush on Instructor...

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by summer280, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I don't know who the OP is like..I don't think any of us likes candor the instant it is offered....but I am fairly certain that none of us knows what motivates any of the rest of us to share, particularly those who are new...I won't begin to decide what motivated this OP....but I can say that, over the last many years I have seen what appears to be a myriad of reasons why people start threads devoted exclusively to themselves and who participate very little anywhere else on the forum...sometimes it is shyness, sometimes desperation, sometimes narcissicism, sometimes situation specific self absorption, sometimes it is about courage, sometimes about a need for validation...all kinds of reasons...so I am going to pass on applauding it..it is a matter for each person to reflect upon ...but I will say that I hope the emphasis sometime shifts off the self and the idealized other and onto the dancing ...
     
    danceronice likes this.
  2. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yeah.

    I'm different than you, in that I applaud. Period. I have reasons why I do that that I think would sound ... well. Whatever. I have reasons for doing that.

    But yes. You make a good point, that somebody (can't remember who) made in another thread today. Even if you're not confident in your dancing ability,etc, reaching out to participate in conversations with/about other people can both help the community and distract you from whatever you're obsessing about. AND it can help your dance knowledge and ability. None of those is a bad thing.


    With these kinds of threads, it's very easy to become (or come across as) self-absorbed. That's what really, really pushed my button in this thread last night. "I'm a physician, and we physicians don't see the things we do outside of work as impacting other people." What?!?! What about the collateral damage to all the non-physicians in your life? That ticked me off. That may have been honest, but it sounded extremely self-centered and spoiled to me. A lot of us do important/stressful things for a living and still think about our impact on other people. OTOH. I only have a part of the picture. Maybe OP comes here to ask for advice about this situation, and works with orphans on the weekends and I dunno has a charity and a non-profit blog out there. I don't know who she is. I choose to assume the best and do my best to give honest, caring feedback, regardless of whether she participates in any thread other than this.
     
  3. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I was thinking about this thread last night when I should have been sleeping and I have to wonder out loud. Is there anything you can do to prepare dance newbies for/protect them from these dance crushes.

    Other than endless threads about shoes and tanning, this has got to be the number one most common topic, from one angle or another. Everybody's been there. Is there anything that can be done to prevent more people from going through the emotional meat grinder? Or is a dance crush just a ubiquitous rite of dance passage? Do non-fraternization policies help? Is there anything that would help?
     
  4. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    You keep saying "everybody's been there".

    I haven't.

    That's not to say that I've never pursued a relationship with someone I've met while dancing; and it's not to say that all such relationships have turned out well. However, at least on my side, "dance crush" (in the sense it's used here) has never been applicable.

    I think I was set up not to be there on two counts:

    1. My actual purpose was to broaden my social interactions. Dancing exclusively with a single teacher is the opposite of helpful for that. I took private lessons (and later, practiced with an amateur partner) in order to become better at dancing with other people.

    2. I was (and remain) single-and-looking. But, I have always had a very specific conception of the kind of relationship I'm seeking, and it's nothing like a superficial crush. There have been local teachers who have seemed initially attractive to me, and some of those have behaved in a way that made me wonder whether some social possibility existed off the dance floor. However I determined there was "no there, there" without much difficulty.
     
  5. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I stand corrected. Almost everybody's been there. :D Just kidding around with you, DL. ;)

    I keep saying that to reinforce fasc's point from last night. No matter how personal this situation may seem to the OP, it's really not all that unique in the dance world. In the narrow definition of dance crush that assumes pursuit of a romantic relationship, I haven't been there either. But I have formed what I think was an inappropriately close attachment to a dance teacher that was fueled in equal parts by my naivete/emotional vulnerability and his not-entirely-ethical sales practices. (I say this with the benefit of more than a decade of reflection.)

    To me, romance aside, this was a dance crush. A lot of us have been there.
     
  6. DerekWeb

    DerekWeb Active Member

    Seems to me that due to your profession and schedule, you do not have the time or energy to find romance, so you use your dance lessons to get male attention. This may be the issue you need to address.
     
    Bailamosdance likes this.
  7. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    if there is any power at all to lessen these things, imo, it needs to be done gently by the professional...as all but the newer ones should be well acquainted with it....but, it's complicated for them sometimes as well....it happens, it's painful= life
     
  8. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Exactly. Easy to sum it up in a sentence when it's not happening to you. When it IS happening to you, lots and lots of gut-chewing angst.
     
  9. freeageless

    freeageless Active Member

    If that was the case, you would think that she would be interested in taking group classes. She is likely to get more serious male attention from men in the group classes, than she would be from her private lesson dance teacher. Yet, she states she is not interested in group classes, because she states she feels like she is not learning anything. It is difficult for me to believe that that is her real reason-but it could be. However, It appears more likely that she has an unconscious attraction to men that are likely to be unavailable like dance instructors. But, hey I could be wrong.
     
  10. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    subconscious:)
     
  11. JudeMorrigan

    JudeMorrigan Well-Known Member

    What makes this difficult, imo, is that people don't necessarily only have single reasons for doing the things they do. You're right that group classes are better for socialization. But if one can afford them, private lessons really are better for improving one's dancing as quickly and efficiently as possible. You may well be right about her subconscious attractions. But that wouldn't mean that she doesn't also have perfectly good, entirely dance-related reasons for not caring for group classes. The obvious answer then would seem to be to try and find other, non-dance related social outlets. Of course, I know all too well how hard it can be to find time for everything between work, dance and the day-to-day upkeep that a person requires in their life.
     
    danceronice likes this.
  12. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    Yep. I only find group lessons useful if they DIRECTLY correlate to my private lessons, ie mostly rote practice and general technique on things I already know. Also, just because someone likes male attention doesn't mean all male attention has the same base value.
     
  13. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    This is why I appreciate it when people pose personal questions in DF. It gives everybody BUT THEM a safe space to discuss concerns that many of us have.

    Doesn't matter the motivation. Could be altruism, narcissism, exhibitionism, community spirit, desire for reinforcement, blah blah so forth and so on. I'd bet there are a BUNCH of people who have been or are in similar situations and who don't have the wherewithal to post the question and stick around to put up with the answers. But they're reading.
     
  14. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    I hear ya. That's why I'm going to give all my votes to a female or gay coach. Yes. I have votes. :D
     
  15. freeageless

    freeageless Active Member

    Mr 4 styles, excellent catch on your part. I stand corrected. :)
     
    Mr 4 styles likes this.
  16. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    I would like to clarify a couple of things- first, I don't think it's like I have no control over the situation. I think I do. If I had no control, I would have tried to further the relationship without trying to agonize about it. Secondly, I don't go for dance classes to get male attention. I don't believe I lack male attention. Sometimes attraction is not mutual on my end and sometimes it is. As far as being self absorbed or narcissistic, I don't think I am any more than an average person. I am involved in volunteer stuff and that, beside my job, and my hobbies and my friends , keeps me busy enough. I am in fact guilty of neglecting to make time to meet my friends because I get so busy. This does not mean I am saying I am busier than anyone else, just that I have things to do that don't involve me sitting around looking for ways to get into trouble. Not saying anyone suggested that...feel I have to defend myself with all my posts...but...In any case, I do appreciate all the help and the feedback from all of you.
     
  17. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    Avenues for improving dance skill cover a broad spectrum: private lessons, group classes, solo practice (with/without DVDs), amateur partnership and practice, social dancing, competition, formation team training, showcase preparation, and perhaps others that fail to occur to me at the moment.

    The strongest assertion with which I would agree is that for a particular individual a particular path is optimal given a particular set of constraints (time, money, partner availability, teacher quality, local dance community, etc., etc.).

    I suggest we avoid full-blown debate over "the best way" on this thread.

    I can say from personal experience that a student with the right attitude, and willingness to learn and apply a specific set of social skills among group classmates, can squeeze a lot of benefit from even halfway decent group classes.

    You're right that sbrnsmith might have perfectly valid dance reasons for eschewing group classes. However, a *general* deficiency of group classes ought not to be counted among them. Further, there is reason to believe that dance reasons may not be *all* the reasons.
     
    freeageless likes this.
  18. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    I appreciate you so much. I really do. :)
     
  19. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    I appreciate you tooo_O:)
     
    pygmalion likes this.
  20. freeageless

    freeageless Active Member

    DL, very well-written, very well thought out. I totally agree. My feelings on this subject could be summed up as different strokes for different folks.
     

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