Crush on Instructor...

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by summer280, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    Has anyone read the book " dance with me, ballroom dancing and the promise of instant intimacy" ? I'm halfway thru it and its fascinating.
  2. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a good read. Who wrote it?
  3. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    SDSalsaguy wrote the chapter that popped up when I pulled the book up on amazon. I'll get the Kindle version and take a look. :cool:
  4. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    The book is by Julie Ericksen. It's a good look at the ballroom dancing industry and how it may promote intimacy. I thought the chapters on how people spent beyond their means for lessons and comps were particularly intriguing.
  5. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I will check it out. I just thought it was interesting/funny that, when I asked amazon to show me the first pages, those pages were written by a DFer. SD has written his own ballroom book,as well, btw. Nothing to do with crushes on instructors, but still worth a read. :cool: :)
  6. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Well-Known Member

    It's not all about crushes but an overall look at how the ballroom dance world can seduce an outsider
  7. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    Ah. Yeah. Still sounds like a great read.:)
  8. suburbaknght

    suburbaknght Well-Known Member

    I remember when Erickson wrote the book; she actually contacted several of us on DF for interviews.

    It's a great book, though Erickson falls into the same trap other writers about ballroom dance *cough cough Juliet McMains cough* fall into: by defining dance as one thing she excludes the possibility it is anything else. Dance can be an art, a sport, a form of social interaction, a bonding experience, physical conditioning, cultural exploration, a source of social advancement, a way to make someone happy, or many other things to different people. By defining ballroom dance as instant intimacy, Erickson precludes many of the other roles ballroom dance can have.
    pygmalion likes this.
  9. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    lol.

    Yeah. These posts reminded me of Juliet. Haven't heard anything about/from her in a long time. I wonder how she is. ETA: Doesn't look like her website's been updated in years. *shrug*

    Interesting observation about the Erickson book. Now I'm curious. Shall read. :cool::)
  10. Soulmate61

    Soulmate61 Active Member



    I suspect there is major miscommunication here.

    I read the above quote in the context of her chat with the shrink when seeking another perspective on her situation. Later in life a person in a technical profession comes into contact with dance -- which charmed her as a child then passed her by like a ship in the night.

    There are musicians, poets, novelists, painters, and dancers, who also happen also to be doctors, but not OP. When two different worlds met again by chance it was not surprising that the OP was bowled over by the kaleidoscope and charm of partner dance her first love.

    Any woman knows what she likes and whether she savours an experience and a man before, during, and afterwards, with a smile. I cannot see why she would need validation when her heart has the answer. It may not be the answer for all time, but it is her answer and her choice. Prediction of outcome may not map out in real life, but who is offering to guarantee the future?

    I would not convene a panel of doctors and say to them, "I love this chocolate, I feel good about it before during and after I eat it. What do you think?" However I would have good reason to ask, "I loved cocaine when I tried it for the first time last night. Alas I have heard horror stories. What do you know?"

    There is a wealth of experience in a chat room. But only the OP knows Mr X the attractive teacher, in her heart, in her circumstances. Good luck with your choice, based on all you know.

    To come back to the miscommunication leading to controversy, I would have rephrases it as:

    "I'm a doctor, and my colleagues often find our activities after work do not stir the heart and soul like poets, painters, composers and dancers do." Was that you in shorthand, OP? :)
  11. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    I suspect you haven't actually read all the relevant posts in this thread.
  12. EveryNameIsTaken

    EveryNameIsTaken New Member

    I signed up to reply to this. This post was so helpful to me! Wow!

    I've been struggling lately with feelings for my instructor at a no-frat policy studio (on one hand it seems like they'd be super strict about it, on the other hand it seems like they'd be unhappy with it but wouldn't necessarily fire people over it unless things got out of hand); I can't make these feelings subside. I've been reading threads here for a while now and most of them suggest just not saying anything. I can completely understand that view point. However, for me, with this person, that wouldn't work. If I don't say something, I'll just emotionally deteriorate until I can no longer enjoy dancing with her at which point I'll quit, and I don't want that.

    Cue the eye rolls. This person is different. "Of course she's different," says everyone, "You're doing something intimate with her. It's her job to make you have a good time." That's true and objective. While being inside a situation makes it hard to be objective, being outside it also makes it hard to know the nuances of that situation. I am not a lovesick puppy. I've been around the block enough to understand my feelings and to be able to judge people's interactions with me appropriately. I firmly believe this woman finds me attractive and that she enjoys my personality as much as I enjoy hers. I firmly believe under different circumstances she would readily agree to have lunch with me.

    Do I think she wants or expects me to say something to her? Nope. I can confidently say she doesn't expect it. That's neither here nor there. The fact of the matter is, I do have to say something for my own emotional health. Not knowing how she'd like to proceed--or not proceed--given the student/teacher relationship and the no-frat policy is what's causing me to struggle with my emotions. So closure to that is really what I'm looking for, even more so than a relationship which is, of course, extremely unlikely. No matter her response, I'll feel better in the long run.

    Thank you for this post, fascination. It's really helped me focus on what to say and how to say it. When the time is right for me to say something, I will be saying something very similar.
  13. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    well, you are welcome...good luck...I must say that, while it was a very painful decision for me, the feelings were already negatively effecting my lessons and my dancing...my scenario was very different in that, as a married person, I didn't want to act on them, but that didn't make them less destructive of painful to endure in secret...in the end, there was really no way to continue that relationship in that way at that time...we tried but it just wasn't good for anyone regardless of his need for my income ....it was also a bad fit in other ways including work ethic and organization... I simply needed separation to get a true sense of my life..I shudder to think how long I could have lasted suffering in silence, pouring wine on it...I hope your outcome isn't as painful, but I do know that I had to own it and suffer the consequences.....
  14. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    You may have been around the block a few times. So have I.

    If you feel that it is too much of an emotional burden to continuing without saying anything, by all means, get it off your chest.

    That being said, however well you think you are reading that teacher, prepare to be wrong about your reading. A successful dance teacher will make her students believe she likes them, that they are special. She is not an engineer, her profession is to put often socially awkward men at ease and teach them to engage in what feels like a quite intimate activity at the beginning.

    And unless you are the sort of guy who has had no problem asking lots of ladies out on dates, and takes rejection in stride as a necessary part of the game, prepare for some awkwardness...
    danceronice likes this.
  15. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    he has acknowleged that
  16. EveryNameIsTaken

    EveryNameIsTaken New Member

    It's absolutely possible I'm misreading her, no doubt about that. I don't think I am but I'm prepared for her to prove me wrong. I've seen how she works with other students and I've worked with their other instructors. I'm pretty confident I'm reading her correctly. Having said that, she's got a quirky personality so, yes, I could be very, very wrong.

    Really, whether I'm gauging things with her incorrectly is beside the point. I have to say something because that's just how I work. I can't keep things bottled up. I sincerely hope she is interested and would like for us to get to know one another outside of the studio. By no stretch of the imagination, however, do I expect it. Like I said before, whatever her response is, I'll feel better and that's the goal of talking to her.
  17. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    well...you will have relief on that front...whether or not, on balance, you will feel better is debatable...if she doesn't feel the same, there will be some not insignificant disappointment and there will also be some at least temporary awkwardness alongside having the dance experience with her possibly feeling bland for a while....it is not without it's downside...I just happened to find that it was significantly better in the long run, than living with it alone
  18. EveryNameIsTaken

    EveryNameIsTaken New Member

    Yes, perhaps relief is a better word to use. Keeping it inside is worse than the worst possible outcome of speaking with her. Sometimes you just have to roll the dice regardless of the odds.
    Borazine and fascination like this.
  19. Dr Dance

    Dr Dance Well-Known Member

    Most of my female instructors are my "big sisters" in the dancing community. For various reasons, no thoughts of romance ever entered my mind. Such as... "she's married or happily involved already," "she's not my type," or "I'm not interested."

    BUT... then along came.... And I fell hard. Boyoboy. It's a hopeless case, though. She's more than thirty years my junior. And she's way more athletic and beautiful. In other words, she's totally out of my reach. My best recourse was simply to "behave myself." She taught me private lessons for two years locally before she went on to California to become the rising star Latin champion of the World. I cried like a baby when I heard the news that she was moving on.

    What about you? If you have had a crush on your dance teacher, what ever became of it?
  20. JudeMorrigan

    JudeMorrigan Well-Known Member

    "Would you say we have a plethora of threads on this topic?"

    "Si, El Guapo!"

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