General Dance Discussion > Crush on Instructor...

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by summer280, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    fair enough...but conversations and observations are all that any of us has...and they have been working perfectly well for many of us for the entirety of our lives....and until a divinity pill comes out, all we have is our best assessment of our own accuracy
    Purr likes this.
  2. Partner Dancer

    Partner Dancer Well-Known Member

    So, the follow-on question is whether knowing someone else well really buys
    one any additional brownie points with that person (in the long run). As already
    pointed out, people filter perceptions by what they LIKE to believe/see/feel,
    so whether a compliment (or criticsim) comes from someone who truly knew
    the perceiver well or not may not matter since the perceiver is already predisposed
    to believe what he/she wants to believe. IOW, does flattery get you everywhere,
    and if it does, does the flatterer do better if he/she knows the flatteree better?

    I used to think getting to know someone well was an advantage, or even
    prerequisite, to getting on that someone's good side (partially because
    that's what we've all been told to believe). But personal experience and
    observation of others is telling me that all this "understanding" stuff doesn't
    really matter (except in knowing how to traverse the other person's
    "minefield" of issues, in the short and unsustainable run). We tend to
    like (or dislike) people using pretty superficial criteria.
  3. Purr

    Purr Well-Known Member

    Maybe, or maybe not. However, recognizing patterns of behavior may make it easier to be around someone. The longer you know someone, hopefully, the better the profile you build up (fraught with errors it may be).
  4. Purr

    Purr Well-Known Member

    This kind of thing happened to me once, not at a dance event, but through work. The hotel I checked into gave me a key to a room. Once I opened the door to the room, I saw luggage, clothes, and other things, so I knew the room was occupied. I went back to the front desk, and they gave me a key to another, unoccupied, room. Mistakes happen.
  5. nikkitta

    nikkitta Well-Known Member

    Happened to me too. Arrived late at night, and was given a key to an occupied room with people sleeping in it. At least I *think* they were sleeping. Didn't stick around long enough to find out.

    Hotel upgraded me to a suite for my emotional trauma, which was pretty useless since I was traveling alone :rolleyes:
  6. Hedwaite

    Hedwaite Well-Known Member

    Ooh, Divinity, but in pill form, like, just eat a handful of divinity wherever you are, without the melty sticky mess...
  7. Dr Dance

    Dr Dance Well-Known Member

    That's it! I'm deadbolting my door from now on whenever I stay at a place that issues key cards.
  8. DerekWeb

    DerekWeb Well-Known Member

    Happened to me too.
  9. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member

    I'm going to say the usefulness of this thread has run its course.... perhaps we could let it die a quiet unnoticed death, and simply add it to the list of other crush threads, until the next time someone wanders in here asking for advice/approval.
  10. SelenaSaberWind

    SelenaSaberWind New Member

    Not sure if this is in the right category, but since it directly involves my dance lessons, I thought it might be correct. Please forgive me if I'm wrong.

    So, I'm in a bit of an awkward situation... quick backstory:

    I started dancing in June 2014 after winning a free lesson with a local studio. My fiancee and I decided it would be good to take some classes to dance well at our wedding. We were paired with my instructor, and lessons have gone GREAT. As soon as the wedding is past, my then-husband will step out and I will continue taking lessons. Side note, my fiancee knows all of this story and it poses no problems with us.

    My problem is this - I don't want to just be good, I want to be great. I want to see just how far, how fast, I can go and what my limits really are. I want to compete. And I WANT that Viennese Waltz! I've completely fallen in love with dance and I enjoy it so much more than I ever anticipated I would. The same, however, could also be said for my instructor...

    He's almost 10 years younger than me (I'll be 31 in October), very handsome, impossibly charming, incredibly gentlemanly, sweet and kind. He is also a fantastic teacher and I respect his instruction very much. I honestly feel like I'm in highschool again with a fluttering heart every time I get an email from him or a text (always dance-related), and I rush through my day so I can get to class in the evenings. I blush sometimes at eye contact and look away despite having always looked someone in the eye when talking to them before. I wear dresses and make-up to lessons and group classes, despite being a life-long tomboy. I feel like I've completely fallen in schoolgirl love for him. Of course it's not the "I want to have a family/share my life/grow old with" sort of love I have for my fiancee, but the feelings I'm experiencing for my instructor are fairly strong, and I suspect may only grow more so as we work together.

    My question, and search for advice, is this - what is the proper way to act? The acceptable level of affectionate interactions? I'm a naturally affectionate person by nature, so what I perceive as normal may not be so to someone else. The studio he works at has a VERY strict no-fraternization policy for instructors. I would be absolutely MORTIFIED if anything I said or did caused him to get into any trouble. I'm also torn as to if I should talk with him about it, or just try to hide it, because I like him as a teacher and don't want to jeopardize that aspect of our relationship, but at the same time, I can't say for sure how obvious it is that I've got a crush on him. I am worried that if I confessed to him, it might make him feel uncomfortable, which would make me feel bad. How do I balance maintaining the proper levels of physical connection that dancing requires to make sure that I don't fall to one side or the other of the scale, becoming too distant or too close, both of which I imagine may impede my progress? Essentially, what is the best approach to make sure that I don't muck this up? :shy:
  11. MaggieMoves

    MaggieMoves Well-Known Member

    I have/had a small crush on my instructor. Ultimately though I realized that we're far too different people for it to ever work. We have dance, and we joke around with each other and it has changed into more of a brother/sister type of relationship. Outside of dance, we have very little in common that would actually hold a relationship together. Considering you're married... Just know the road you're moving in on with this. You have to realize that you're just a client to him, and he may actually just playing your emotions to keep you longer as a client (it isn't professional to do, but I've seen young inexperienced dance pros do it).

    Go to class, pay attention... but just try to keep him entirely off limits. You will get much better if you don't have something like that distracting you. If that means an instructor change, it may be for the best. Tell him not to text you anymore as well, since I believe that qualifies as fraternization. I would say texting is not necessarily something that is becoming of a professional.
  12. bia

    bia Well-Known Member

    Some reading for you, since I don't feel like leaping in with the standard "we have lots of threads on this just do a search" response. There's more, but I'll let you do that search if you want to. The upshot, though, is what Maggie said. This is common and normal and potentially destructive. Don't say anything. Look for things about him that you find irritating or just indicative of a bad personality match. If he guesses, so he guesses; I bet he's used to it. The feelings will wane eventually, but if they don't soon enough, switch instructors. Dancing is great, and falling in love with it is a great feeling. But you don't seem to want to destroy your relationship with your fiance, so be very careful. Remind yourself why you chose your fiance in the first place, and give time and attention to nurturing that relationship.
  13. RiseNFall

    RiseNFall Well-Known Member

    Agree with the others: don't say anything. There's really no reason for you to. I'll add something though, think about resisting the urge to dress up for the lessons given what you are acknowledging is behind it.
    MaggieMoves likes this.
  14. Bailamosdance

    Bailamosdance Well-Known Member

    I say go for it. You will always have attractions and interactions, and this is no different. The worst thing that can happen is hurt feelings. The best thing could be a wonderful relationship.
    freeageless likes this.
  15. bia

    bia Well-Known Member

    With two unattached people, evidence of mutual interest, and lack of non-frat policy, sure. In this particular case... well, I guess you could call regrets over a broken engagement "hurt feelings."
  16. freeageless

    freeageless Active Member

    Bail, with all due respect, which one happened to you-the hurt feelings or the wonderful relationship? LoL.
  17. SelenaSaberWind

    SelenaSaberWind New Member

    Thank you for your reply. To be clear, though, the texting has been dance/lesson related, as phone calls are difficult for me to answer while at work, but texts and emails I can respond almost instantly to.
  18. SelenaSaberWind

    SelenaSaberWind New Member

    I suppose I should have given just a little more detail - I can say with complete certainty that my engagement is in no danger whatsoever with this, as we're in a semi-open relationship and allowed other partners. NO ONE will ever be a higher priority to me than my fiancee, and that is a mutual feeling/rule that we have which is a big reason our arrangement works. Totally not most folk's cup of tea, but it works for us. :)
  19. GGinrhinestones

    GGinrhinestones Well-Known Member

    Don't want to hijack, but...I have to disagree with this one. Maybe it would qualify as fraternization in some studios, but I've never been to those...I've never met an independent instructor who doesn't use texting as a primary means of communicating with students. In fact, I STARTED texting regularly because I started dancing, and that was the number one best way for my teacher and me to coordinate lessons. Outside of dance, every person in my office uses texts to quickly and easily pass work-related messages outside of the office. In this day and age, I don't think there are too many people who would consider texting "unprofessional" as a general rule - though the contents of the text certainly could be.

    Hijack over. As for the rest:

    Absolutely agree with this. If you really, truly, want to be GREAT - this will only get in your way. Recognize what you are doing to encourage it, even if only in your own mind, and stop. Ask yourself what it is about your dance teacher that you find so attractive - chances are it has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with falling in love with dance and all it represents. It's common, it sucks, and it will get better - but only if you recognize it for what it is and let it go.
    Dancing Irishman likes this.
  20. bia

    bia Well-Known Member

    That's a relief to hear. I do still think it's likely, as others have said, that the feelings are really about dance rather than this person, and it would be best not to pursue them, but at least the stakes aren't as high as they might be.

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