Crush on Instructor...

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by summer280, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    No, my way isn't always the best. But in this case, her teacher seems to be toying with her (making appts, breaking them), which sends up red flags. Also, there's the "no fraternization" (sp?) aspect--I think I remembered her saying that. She stands to lose a teacher, he could stand to lose a job. All without any sort of definitive indication on his part that he's for real and not just messin' with her head.

    As for the messy situations you describe...I got no clue. I'm kind of relationship stupid--things have to be spelled out clearly for me.
     
  2. mamboqueen

    mamboqueen Well-Known Member

    You're not alone ;)
     
  3. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    MQ and Peaches. Come on now. Some of the posts you've made clearly indicate that your EQ is well above average. lol. You expect me to believe you're clueless? Nah. :wink:

    I agree with you, Peaches. This teacher guy needs to step out over his own feet, emotionally speaking, and give the OP some indication, one way or the other. Or she needs to do something, either to find out where he stands, or to bring some distance/perspective to her side of things. I vote for the second option, since I truly am a take charge kinda gal. I don't sit around waiting. It gets on my nerves. :lol:

    But still.
     
  4. Twilight_Elena

    Twilight_Elena Well-Known Member

    *insert wise comment on relationships here*

    T_E
     
  5. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Well? What's the wisdom for today? :eyebrow: :wink:
     
  6. Twilight_Elena

    Twilight_Elena Well-Known Member

    Um.
    Relationships are like onions. They have layers and they make you cry when you peel them.
    That any good?

    T_E
     
  7. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    Haha... I think I'm starting to get depressed now lol. ;)
     
  8. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    ROTFL! Works for me. :cool:
     
  9. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    ya know..today a layer came off...lol..and things are kinda smelly...but ya know that's just the way it goes in all relationships...they are hard ...and generally worth it but sometimes not...today, much akin to peaches post, we just suffered in silence..comp coming...no time for drama...but after all of the past trauma, I feel like we can pretty much weather anything...so it was 4 hours of hard rounds on an empty stomach after and aerobic workout beforehand...and tomorrow there will be two more...we have an understanding...and its easier now that the crush is out of the way...again, it's different for everyone...but I am liking the stability of the deal now alot more than when I was rattling around with repressed feelings...then again, some folks are better at that...and I REALLY respect that...that is nowhere in my make up
     
  10. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    I'm just impressed how you handled it. I'm not sure if I would have handled it as well as you.
     
  11. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    don't get me wrong...I'm still an a$$pain...just not b/c of a crush
     
  12. delamusica

    delamusica Active Member


    Or here's one:

    Love is like an outhouse.

    You go in holding your breath, and you come out at lightning speed with your pants around your ankles.

    :)
     
  13. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    Oh no biggie. We all can be once in a great while lol.
     
  14. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Good one. :lol:
     
  15. aShort Affair

    aShort Affair New Member

    This is being posted under a throw-away name for reasons that will become obvious. I thought about posting these events as they happened, but I was scared because it just seemed too personal. It also involves other people, and until and unless I can tell them how it happened, it’s better if I don’t reveal myself.

    Some time ago I experienced a startling increase in my (to put it delicately) biological urges, possibly due to a hormonal imbalance. I felt like a teenager. Of course my SO noticed the difference almost as soon as I did. He got most of the benefits of the change, but there was a certain amount of overflow. I became more alert to the attractions of other men.

    The man who has the second greatest amount of physical contact with me is our dance instructor. Like most instructors, he tends to be rather physical. Our lessons involve a lot of touching. I began to notice that when he took my hand, my heart beat faster. Touches that used to be neutral suddenly became intensely personal. I found it hard to concentrate when in dance position. It was worst during private lessons when he held me, not moving, but explaining something to my SO. If he talked to ME I could at least concentrate on trying to absorb what he was saying, and if he started to move I could concentrate on following his lead, but when he just stood there unconsciously holding me while ignoring me it was hard to keep from screaming in frustration. I wanted him to pull me closer at the same time I wanted to pull away. I mentally begged him to shift his hand a few inches or just let me go. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to drag him off to a quiet corner and have my way with him or never see him again.

    I don’t know how much I kept hidden or how much I showed. I don’t think my SO noticed. The instructor may have picked up something. If he noticed anything, he must have been confused by the conflicting signals. He has known us long enough to understand I don’t chase other men. He knows my SO and I have a good relationship and we weren’t having problems at that time.

    This situation continued for a while – weeks, months – I’m not sure how long. Then my SO had to be out of town when we had a lesson scheduled. I convinced myself people would find it strange if I cancelled, so I went as usual. There were plenty of things to work on without my SO, and I tried to pay attention to what I was supposed to be doing.

    That night, at home alone, I wondered whether I had really felt what I thought I felt. At one point had the instructor let his hand touch my hip for two or three seconds when he had no reason to? It was a light touch, so I wasn’t sure whether it had even happened. Then I wasn’t sure whether I liked it. Well, really I did like it, but should I like it? Did I want it to happen again? Most important, what was I going to do about it?

    It turned out I didn’t have a lot of choices. The next time I saw the instructor, I knew something had changed. It wasn’t obvious from the outside (I hope), but he put some distance between us. It took me a couple of weeks to figure out. The clearest sign was his ability to avoid me during studio parties. He managed to dance with me once, and only once, each evening. He couldn’t avoid dancing with me altogether, because he was still my instructor and people would definitely notice if we stopped dancing with each other.

    I was forced to accept the fact that he didn’t want to get involved. I have no idea whether he blamed me or himself for behaving inappropriately, but in either case he obviously wanted to put a stop to it. I knew it would be best to follow his lead in this. I stopped asking him for dances. I stopped initiating conversations with him. I let myself approach him only when he was already talking to my SO. Again, I don’t think it was obvious to anyone watching because I continued to be friendly, just not quite as friendly as I used to be. We settled into a pattern. I held back and let him decide how much contact to have. The thing I missed most was dancing with him during parties, but he always made sure to ask me once. I wasn’t happy, but I felt safe. I still felt a strong attraction to him, so it seemed better to limit our contact.

    This situation continued for a while – again for weeks or months. Then one evening he asked me for a second dance. I assumed he had slipped up somehow, but he asked me again at the next party. I thought back and realized the hormonal thing seemed to have eased off. I was able to walk hand-in-hand with him onto the dance floor without getting all hot and bothered. He occasionally put little sexy embellishments into our dances. I was sooo happy the first time he gave me a nice friendly hug.

    Even during my worst moments I knew I wasn’t in love with my instructor. My SO is the love of my life, and my feelings for him didn’t change even with all of this going on. I would never have believed I could be interested in two different men at the same time, but I had to accept what happened. Most of all, I am happy to have survived it without losing a wonderful instructor.
     
  16. SlowDancer

    SlowDancer New Member

    Dang, I'm glad to be post-menopausal and finally rid of all those hormonal surges that used to give me so much grief and despair.

    Now when my dance teacher gets flirty with me, I can just enjoy the moment but not think twice about it afterwards. I know that I'm attractive, especially for my age, and that my teacher genuinely enjoys dancing with me and being around me. But I also see the relationship for exactly what it is.

    From my own experience, the best way to handle this situation is to be totally aboveboard and professional and assume that your teacher is only interested in a professional student-teacher relationship. He's the one with the most to lose if the rules are breached, so he should be the one to take the initiative. If he never does, then you can safely assume he's not really interested.

    But do enjoy those warm fuzzy feelings...those feelings are part of what makes dancing give us such enormous emotional satisfaction...just don't expect anything to come of it.
     
  17. Laura

    Laura New Member

    Half of the studios I've taken lessons at don't have rules about student/teacher interaction. Not that it matters in my case.

    I've had random free-floating crushes on a couple of my teachers. How could I not? These are cute guys on good behavior, who can do something that the average guy can't (i.e., DANCE). But obviously I've never done anything about it, being married all these years...and now that I'm about to be no longer married, I'm too old for anything but the dancing :) Oh well! It's fun to gaze at the cute ones though!
     
  18. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    when exactly does that happen?;)
    often difficult to separate the two, hence enjoyment and pain
     
  19. The auction is taking place over at ebay as we speak.
     
  20. yippee1999

    yippee1999 Member

    I can't say I've actually "fallen" for a teacher, but there are a few I've had where, if I were to have privates with them, I could imagine myself feeling all "warm and fuzzy". That said though, I try to be one of those "sensible" people that thinks with my head, and my head would tell me I just shouldn't even go there.

    I think alot of such situations, where someone develops a crush... I'd imagine it's generally the students who fall for their teachers, and not so much the reverse. Or maybe I'm wrong? But I think alot of it stems from a sort of "idolization" of the teacher. And I think it's so easy to imagine, or romanticize about a relationship with them, sorta like some people might do for their boss, their doctor, etc. But fantasy and reality are two very different things.

    I personally feel that there are so many lines that could be crossed, so much potential for awkwardness, for misunderstanding, etc., that again, intellectually, I would be really working hard to not even allow myself to go down that road. While I'd recognize and acknowledge an attraction on my part, I'd also remind myself that it more than likely stems from some fantasy thing, and not from reality, and that if I were to have met my teacher under any other circumstances, I very well may not have been attracted to them at all.
     

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