fear

Discussion in 'Funstuff and Inspiration' started by chomsky, May 2, 2012.

  1. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    worhtwhile and important...What if you worry all the sacrifices you've made are not worth it anymore? What if you just deprive yourself of your beloved ones or of the most simple yet important things in life just to satisfy a pleasure that doesn't last for ever? Love lasts for ever, but does dance last for ever?
  2. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    Those are all fair questions, and they deserve more than an off-the-cuff response, so I thought about it before I answered. Everything in life is a risk. Of course, some things are riskier than others, but there is no such thing as an activity or a decision or a spoken word or a touch or anything else that is totally risk free.

    My DW and I have a close friend who has for some years remained in a relationship that went bad long ago. Back in the spring she inquired to us as to whether we could provider her with some assistance in getting out of the relationship. (I can't be more specific because it might give away the game to anyone who is in our scene and reads this. I will only say that physical abuse is not a factor.) We have helped her make certain arrangements, but she is having great difficulty in actually making the decision. Some days she seems like she's right on the verge of it, and then she pulls back a bit, even though not making the decision is itself making her miserable.

    I think I know one thing that is bothering her. I assume you've heard of the "sunk cost fallacy"; it's the fallacy that when one has made a large investment in something that has turned out poorly, it is necessary to continue to invest in it, in order that the losses might be recovered. It's a variant of the gambler's fallacy -- the gambler who has lost a lot of money at, say, roulette, but keeps playing because the wheel is "due" and he needs to win back the money he lost. Of course, he never wins enough to make back his losses, no matter how long he plays, because that's the way the game is set up. This is what I think has happened to our friend: she thinks that if she walks away now, the years of her life that she has poured into this relationship will be "wasted". So she has to stay with the relationship in hopes of winning back her losses, so to speak.

    Rom-com movies aside, that almost never happens. An emotional abuser does not suddenly wake up one morning a changed person. So what about all of those years? Well, the laws of physics preclude us from going back in time to undo the choice to enter the relationship. Those years are gone, and there is nothing one can do to change that. So what do we do? Write it off. Say "oh well", and start living our lives in the future instead of the past. That's not to say that we should not learn from the past -- we certainly should -- but we should not seek to go back into it because that is impossible. The only way to go is the forward; the future is the place where we have some say-so over what happens. The past can be tempting because it is risk-free, but it is closed to us. What's left to do? Go forward, managing our own lives as best we can and keeping our risks reasonable. We cannot predict the ultimate outcome, but as in dancing, it isn't necessary to know in advance how the dance will end in order to enjoy the experience.

    Come to think about it, this is what I need to say to our friend, the next time I can catch her in the right frame of mind: "Janice (not her real name), you seem to be afraid that leaving the relationship will be "throwing away" all of the years you invested. First of all, your entire life, my entire life, all of our entire lives, are in the past and we cannot do anything to change them. What you need to be looking at is not the years you spent, but the years in front of you. How do you want to live those years? Second, we can assure you that you will not be starting your life over out in the cold. We love you as do many other people; we have all seen you prove your worth as a friend, and loving you is a proposition with great rewards and very little risk. Although we can't do everything for you, we will be here to cushion the blow."

    Chomsky, I assume that dance is something you love. If so, then even if at some point in the future you stop being active in dance, the love will still be there and the rewards will be worth the risk. Take reasonable risks in balancing your life and relationship activities, and then see how it goes. Sometimes low-probability events happen; a relationship that we thought would be good turns out bad. But if you took your best shot, that's all any reasonable person would ever expect of you. We can't change our past, but there's always time to change the course of our future. Do your best and then if today doesn't work out, tomorrow is a new day.

    Apologies for being long-winded, and I hope this helps.
    chomsky likes this.
  3. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    This will stay with me not only for the rest of the day. Words of wisdom my friend, thanks for sharing. It's like I know I have somewhere to turn to, just like your friend knows she has; I know I have DF to find people like you, willing to open up their hearts. Many many thanks;it goes without saying dance is something I love deeply. That's what my DH keeps asking me lately cos he's afraid I don't or didn't. You make me think and change the way I think. This is the first step. Thanks my friend.
    cornutt likes this.
  4. bordertangoman

    bordertangoman Well-Known Member

    Zombies

    and one or two of my friends..:-(
    chomsky likes this.
  5. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    :-d!!!!!!!!!!!
  6. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    Thank you! I appreciate the kind words.
    chomsky likes this.
  7. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    I am now reading a nice book about fear, called Feel the fear and do it anyway...I guess if it's an ad, my efficient moderators will take it off- do, please, I don't know if I'm breaking the rules here! Posting on DF has helped me a great deal, the advice and the feeling that others understand or have been there is always what I need to get me going! So, I also wanted to share the book reference for those of you that are interested!:rolleyes:
    cornutt likes this.
  8. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    My fears have come true, even my fear of losing my passion for dance as I did lose it. But I did face all my fears; that's life!
  9. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    exactly
    chomsky likes this.
  10. A wardrobe malfunction. This happened to me twice already. Worst, it was a competition. First incident, my wrap around skirt fell off; second incident, my heels was caught on my "net like" skirt while doing the jive.
    chomsky likes this.
  11. alexandrahweis

    alexandrahweis Active Member

    Injury, not being able to dance. Dance is my life
    chomsky likes this.
  12. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    wow, you guys, you inspire me! Let's face them, those damn fears!
  13. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    this was march, now it's november. again for whom the bell tolls...so what if Mary Lou Retton is not right in saying "Each of us has a fire in our hearts for something. It's our goal in life to find it and keep it lit". so what if you don't stick to it. No one is perfect and that's life.we are only human
  14. FancyFeet

    FancyFeet Active Member

    I'm afraid that I may have discovered dance a little too late to be able to realize my potential...

    but I'm not willing to admit it, so I'm going for it anyway.
    chomsky and cornutt like this.
  15. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    only when we stop breathing...only then do we stop...till then we just grow.
  16. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    keep going for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    stash likes this.
  17. dancelvr

    dancelvr Well-Known Member

    Ditto.
    chomsky and FancyFeet like this.
  18. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    my fear of losing my joy in dance.after all thesr adventures, I now think joy is not lost.joy transforms.it stays with you.as long as you have the eyes to see it...
  19. Lui

    Lui Active Member

    My biggest fear is that some strike of fate ruins my health to a level that there is no dancing of any kind possible.

    My second biggest fear is some mistake I possibly made in our abundant German paperwork, that the fine will ruin my little independent existence I make on dancing.
    chomsky likes this.
  20. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I think my only fear would be that I would no longer love it...thus, I will do whatever it takes to continue in a way that gives me joy
    chomsky likes this.

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