How to flirt, and why.

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by toothlesstiger, Nov 2, 2011.

  1. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    Note to self: bite lip.... ;)

    Honestly? "Did you change your hair? ["Yes, I usually wear it up."] It looks nice!" Works well. (I agree with toothless, "regal" works if that's how you normally talk. If it sounds like you're trying to crib from a Regency Romance, don't. Talk how you normally talk. I would guess from his posts that's a max thing to say. I don't know if most men could pull that off.)

    SMILE. Eye contact. For men, 'easy confidence' works with me--friendly, confident, no need to be obnxious or try to come up with a compliment just for the sake of it. Really, I'm the biggest sucker who a guy who seems to genuinely be interested in talking to me and listening to me and obviously isn't worried about just...chatting.
     
  2. JudeMorrigan

    JudeMorrigan Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I think the only way *I* could possibly pull that off is if I said it in such a fashion that it was clear I was being silly. Something along the lines of "It looks nice!" or "you look great!" seems like a much safer bet for most guys.
     
  3. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    This is going to sound weird. But what the heck. I've sounded weird here many a time. Flirt with people you don't care about or even find attractive.

    A couple years ago, I took the complaint free world challenge. I won't go into details about what that is, but I can dig up a link if you want.

    Anyway, during the time I was taking the challenge, when I had mean thoughts about other people (which was startlingly often,) I would force myself to mentally go back and replace the mean thought with a positive one.

    "What was she thinking when she put on that ridiculous outfit?" might become "Wow. She has the most beautiful straight teeth." Or something equally random. I made myself have positive thoughts about random strangers. Before I knew it, I was making positive comments to random strangers, too. These days, my behavior toward both men and women could easily be described as flirtatious. I know that sounds weird. And it works. I make easy conversation in passing with random strangers without a second thought. I highly recommend it. My one caveat is that the observations you make absolutely must be sincere. "I always love your shoes" sounds completely different when you mean it than when you don't. Actually, there are two caveats (I hope I don't think of a third later, 'cause I'll look even sillier.) Flirtation is something you throw away. No care or expectation of the outcome, because there probably won't be any. That's what makes it so delicious, when it's between members of the opposite sex. It's yummy because you know nothing will ever come of it. So you can be a little outrageous. There's nothing riding on the outcome.

    The nice part is that it can make you way, way more comfortable with social interactions overall, even with the people you do care about. It's kind of like interviewing for a job. The (IMO very good) advice I've gotten from a lot of sources is that one should interview for a lot of jobs they don't want, so that they can interview well for the job they really do.

    My $0.02.
     
  4. Lioness

    Lioness Well-Known Member

    I flirt lots, all the time, but I don't know how I do it.
     
  5. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Oh yeah and I guess I should add be careful about the outrageous stuff, until after you've tested the water with the tame stuff.

    There's this one guy that I flirt with all the time. Serious heavy duty, double entendre, sexual innuendo. The whole nine yards. I'm in my forties. He's in his fifties. He's recently divorced and accepted that no meant no, after the second time he asked me out. We both know that there will never be anything between us, but I honestly think it makes him feel good to make barely disguised extremely suggestive (but never intrusive, personal or creepy) remarks. He feels attractive. I feel ... hmmm not sure what I feel, but whatever I feel, it's positive. We share a laugh whenever we run into each other. And that's it.
     
  6. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    It comes naturally to some people.
     
  7. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    That's not weird at all, pygmalion, that's exactly the sort of thing I was trying to suggest.
     
  8. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    I like to look up the definitions of words to make sure I understand them..

    I'm paraphrasing from a couple different sources, but flirting is defined as behaving or acting amorously without serious intentions.. to show superficial or casual interest or liking.. and to come close to reaching or experiencing something.

    So I guess this is different than efforts to break the ice or get the ball rolling or ask someone out on a date, because that would require serious intentions. You can flirt with people you aren't interested in.
     
  9. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    Yes, you can. I do it all the time. :)
     
  10. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    I guess I say all that because this thread was a spin-off from the discussion in the dating thread, where someone never intended to flirt just for kicks, but to start a relationship. I think you can do so without ever flirting. Flirting is a sport, not a means to an end. I think a lot of people feel like because they don't have the flirting skills that others have, that they are at a disadvantage. The biggest flirt in the room may spend their life single.
     
  11. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    See I flirt all the time too, with men I do want, and usually get a result. Not always, usually. But then I am single. Flirtation can lead to more of the superficial stuff, but may never lead to romance.
     
  12. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    I am single and I think that there's a difference between flirting and goal-oriented mating behaviors. Of course, I'm old, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. *shrug*
     
  13. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    I can't think of anything I'd say for the sake of harmless flirting, that wouldn't be used to indicate genuine interest, short of an open verbal invitation lol
     
  14. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    Subtlety is what flirting is all about, ww. Your experience, IMHO, is not with flirtation. It's with pairing off, which is certainly valuable in its own right. But flirtation is different. It doesn't have a goal, even though it may achieve an end while you're not looking.
     
  15. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    Ok.. hehe, I seem to be batting 1000 today. This doesn't bode well for my plans to both dance and cook tonight as well. lol
     
  16. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    Just don't dance and cook at the same time and you'll probably be okay.
     
  17. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    I suppose it all depends on how you define flirtation. All the time, I am paying attention to the reactions to what I say and do. If it is flirtation as sport, I have to be sure it is not taken seriously. If it is flirtation with a view to pairing off, I'm paying attention to see if it is being taken seriously.
     
  18. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    Yup.

    ETA. I guess I should clarify. I think that flirting is a standalone activity that can be used as part of a goal-oriented mating ritual. Flirting is not mating, in and of itself. Flirting is a tool in the mating tool box. It's also a tool in the personal interaction tool box, IME, regardless of attraction, sexual orientation or gender. The mating-related flirting I used to do (I'm on a dating hiatus) had a little je ne sais quoi that my personal interaction flirting never will. I also think that propositioning potential short term flings is not flirting. It's something else.
     
  19. Lioness

    Lioness Well-Known Member

    Flirting doesn't have to be with what you say, either.

    Can be through eye contact, smiling, body language, etc.
    I flirt with customers at work...pretty much out of instinct. (Not all of them of course...just the cute ones XD ). They feel slightly happier about their shopping experience.

    I got flirted with today :D. A sales girl in my favourite clothes shop. She was very lovely.
     
  20. Warren J. Dew

    Warren J. Dew Well-Known Member

    What if we're not interested in them romantically and just want to dance with them?
     

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