How to flirt, and why.

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by toothlesstiger, Nov 2, 2011.

  1. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I am surprised that he had that much chutzpah...I think you did do the right thing....and I don't think you sent mixed signals....I DO think that none of that inoculates you from toying with the idea of giving him another chance if he is ever available again...and my only point is that the buyer should beware on that and understand that if you do play, you should know well enough what you might get...but personally, I think you have done a great job and I wouldn't give any of us on this forum and power to make you feel otherwise...
  2. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    Thanks fasc.
  3. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    Am I the only one *not* surprised at the chutzpah? He probably doesn't even see it as chutzpah. He's probably merely behaving as he always behaves. He thought he was charming before, and he tried to make use of it. He still thinks so, and he's still trying. Well, that's consistent, right?

    In Jenny's mind, he went from 'charming' to 'not charming' because of his behavior; but that's a switch that happened in her mind (and most of ours), rather than his.
  4. SamSays

    SamSays New Member

    An I the only one that feels his flirting behaviors are normal? Or maybe I work with too many Hispanic and European men that flirts a lot as part of their culture. Whether they want to use that just for rapport building or use it for something else, that's a different story.

    And the best way to handle that type of behavior? Be indifferent... Actually that works for everything.
  5. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    Yes, you make a good point. Most of us (including me) expect others to act somewhat rationally. I have to keep remembering that some people are just "out there", lol.
  6. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    I'm not surprised at the chutzpah. What I don't like is that he is a user. Charm is orthogonal to whether we see others important in and of themselves, or just tools to use for their own gratification.
  7. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    It's a shame. I was thinking, since he got into a relationship so quickly, maybe he was really smitten and might be inspired to become a better man. Guess not. He needs a hit with the clue bat. I already got my clues. :doh:
  8. rbazsz

    rbazsz New Member

    Yes, I believe she will equate it that way. You have to understand the context of this because she isn't just a random woman that flirts at the studio. Before, during, and after we dance her flirting is very suggestive. I tried pushing the envelope a little by giving her a lover's hug after one of the dances and not only did she not resist she squeezed me into her body.

    I also took one of her hands with both of mine and massaged it in a way that probably would have gotten me reprimanded by most women. She looked at me with those sexy eyes that are hard to describe but all women know how to have that look when they are sexually attracted to you.

    One week I told her that I would dance with her but I forgot to because I was busy dancing with so many nice women. The following weekend she came up to me and scolded me for not dancing with her. But she scolded me like a grandmother telling her cute grandson to not eat so many of her chocolate cookies. I felt like unzipping her dress right there on the spot!

    I can guarantee you that after that scolding I haven't forgotten to ask her for a dance early in the evening, so she got what she wanted.

    All of this heavy flirting makes me feel like her knight in shining armour. Flirting like this makes me crave dancing with her so I seek her out to dance even though she isn't that good of a dancer and she is older than what I would consider an ideal bed mate.

    It could be that she flirts with me like this purely for sport and to give me a reason to keep asking her to the floor, but I expect there is more to it (I could be wrong). It could be that she enjoys heavy flirting with younger guys so that she will not sit dances out.

    The evidence suggests that if she goes out of the studio with me for coffee or whatever it's a clear signal she wants to bed with me.

    I will get my answer. Perhaps I will see her this weekend.
  9. rbazsz

    rbazsz New Member

    I totally caught off guard by his chutzpah.
  10. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    W.R.O.N.G. If she agrees to go out for coffee, she's interested in...survey says...going out for coffee. Not for sex. The rest is just bizarre fantasy on your part.

    If she suggests going back to her place, or to your place, then possibly she's interested in sex. Possibly. Could be she's just interested in relaxing and socializing somewhere comfortable.
  11. SamSays

    SamSays New Member

    Try this: Don't ask her to dance when you see her, in fact don't even acknowledge her at all. If she comes up to you and initiate, just say, "At least buy me dinner first (sly smile or wink - she'll get it)."
  12. SamSays

    SamSays New Member

    Agreed, one step at a time. Get her out of the studio/group setting and to a one on one setting first.
  13. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    In a way, that's the point..there's an element of surprise. The person with chutzpah gains control over the situation by catching others off guard.

    Anyway, as far as your own question, don't assume the lady wants to sleep with you. As you point out, maybe she's flirting just to get dances. Or maybe she enjoys, and is flattered by, a flirtation with a younger man, but still would not consider a relationship with one. You really won't know that unless you try to date her.
  14. freeageless

    freeageless Active Member

    Very good points-especially your point about control. I agree.
  15. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    it sounds like there's a lot that's been exchanged between RBZ (my new nickname for you, rbazsz, so i never have to re-figure out that spelling again :tongue:) and the CIQ (chica in question)...way more than just "dancing segues to coffee invite."

    course, it could still all be a fantasy in his mind. :)
  16. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    i think your going to dance events should have nothing to do with this guy...be clear that you're not interested in him, go because you want to, and make him a non-issue, because in fact you are not interested in him as his value system is radically different from yours.

    but now that you mention wrong/mixed signals, which is what i was hearing even in your posts... is it possible that there is a lack of clarity in your own mind about how you feel about him, for example, feeling hurt because he didn't want what you wanted, or didn't see you how you hoped he might see you (as more than an easy lay...)? because if so, it's very possible that that residual hurt and wish for it to have been different is what may subtley be read as an invite from him...even though you consciously don't wish it to be so.

    if you *truly* see him as a cad and someone you're not in the least interested in, he's more inclined to be a non-entity in your mind...and that's not a very friendly energy to approach, as a man who's already enaged elsewhere.

    just some thoughts. i may be way off base.
  17. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    No, I think I already said that I felt regret that it didn't work out. Obviously when you agree to date someone, it's because you find them attractive, have things in common, and have a hope that it will work out successfully. Of course there is disappointment if it doesn't turn out that way. I can't pretend otherwise. However, I also will say that there was a part of me that just turned off as his true nature become clear. I knew at that point, that I would say no to what he wanted.

    ETA: I may be annoyed..but I'm not heartbroken. And I believe that you can always learn something from situations, and that people may come into your life for a reason. I now have some really nice possibilities opening up in my personal life - I'm suddenly starting to get dates with several attractive guys (nice ones, not jerks). Going back to original topic, I was never good at flirting but this last guy was such a big flirt that I think it helped awaken that skill in me.
  18. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    let me clarify...I am not surprised that he has chutzpah in general...I am surprised that he continued to try to flirt with someone who he couldn't score with previously...then again, maybe she is more of a challenge now:rolleyes:
  19. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    the flirting doesn't surprise me...but I hope we can still live in a world where we can be surprised when a guy drops a woman like a hot potato b/c he can't score on a first date
  20. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    round these parts "coffee" is absolutely synonymous with "not there yet"

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