Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by toothlesstiger, Nov 2, 2011.
and how fortunate that you were spared too much time wrongly invested...good luck
Oh Fasc... there's worse out there... And yes it does sounds like Jenny is spending way too much energy thinking about this or perhaps it's only venting. Not caring is still the best way to go.
trust me, I am abundantly aware that there are worse...I would still like to hope that it doesn't have to be commonplace that a man should behave that way
Or that a woman should obsess over getting a date. Relax. The dates will come.
How men behave is up to them. How women behave is up to them.
agree...though I hope to never be in that position, if there is one thing I am certain of after spending alot of time with couples in my work, it is that opportunities come along...and that if you find yourself doing all of the work, you have found the wrong thing
Yes, fascination, yes. Amen and hallelujah.
My gosh, it is so easy just to say, hey, relax, don't worry, don't care, don't get invested in one person, because opportunities will come along. If only!
My single friends and I all have the same story: spend months without dates, have a hard time finding people with common interests, or go on a bunch of dutiful but boring first-meet coffees with online prospects. That's what it's like to be single nowadays. It is what it is.
I was excited about this last guy because it was the first time in months that I was asked out by an attractive, interesting man, let alone one who could dance as well. It was the first time in four years of social dancing that I met a potential date. I'm seeing a guy this week who was introduced to me by a friend whom I know from a women's social club. I met another guy through a business networking group. These kinds of connections also have taken years to build. I'm very glad that I've made all these efforts; without it, I wouldn't have either friends or dates.
Maybe some of us are lucky enough to go through life in the right place at the right time, and things just come along and work out. I am not one of those people. I've always had to struggle and work and learn and maybe sometimes vent, obsess or whatever. It's all good.
Thanks for being there, guys. I think partly I kept this discussion going just because I really do love reading the interesting things all of you have to say. :friend:
I'm sorry. Not buying this. I'm in my mid forties, with a kid and lots of baggage and I still meet men all the time. And yes. Location makes a difference. I understand that.
When I met the ex, I lived in Allentown, PA, and worked in R&D at Bell Labs, with a bunch of geeks. AND I only wanted accomplished, single Black men, of whom there were maybe seven in town. I dated four of them and married one of them. I do NOT buy the poor me; there's nobody for me argument. AT.ALL. Poor me is in my head, if it exists at all. Done.
Jenny, I find the key sentence in your post to be this: "I was excited about this last guy because it was the first time in months that I was asked out by an attractive, interesting man, let alone one who could dance as well."
Perhaps you should look for a guy you don't find attractive, or that interesting and lacks the ability to dance well. That may be better than being alone. In addition, you may eventually find them to have those qualities you describe and/or you might not find them so important. Speaking as a male, I would rather have a woman who lacks all those qualities you just mentioned but cares about me.
I have to agree with pyg, 110%. You invest in yourself, do things you are passionate about and not worry about who comes along for the ride. People are attracted towards happy and positive people, not depressed, desperate ones. Does that mean that you won't find anyone if you are not happy? No, but you have to be careful and see if you will be taken advantage of.
When I say "attractive", I mean that I am "attracted to" that person. Just want some chemistry there, which for me, isn't all based on looks. (Definitely not looking for Adonis/movie idol types at all.) And you could argue that some cultures do very well with arranged marriages where there's no chemistry...but I didn't grow up with that and I'm not prepared to try it. By "interesting", I mean that I enjoy talking to them and sharing activities. Is that unreasonable to want? Dance ability, I can do without, and have, for the most part. That was just a plus in this case.
Of course I want to care about the person I'm with; that's the point. But there has to be some basis to start off. I already made the mistake of marrying someone who wasn't right for me, because I thought it was better than being alone. Obviously it didn't work out and I don't want to make that mistake again.
I agree 100%! And that is exactly how I feel. I am very much a happy, positive person and passionate about many things in life. It's hard to get that across while posting about a specific problem which is very much untypical for my life. As far as the guy in question, keep in mind I met him while out dancing and having a blast! I wasn't even thinking about looking for a date. Sorry if the posts came across depressed...that's the last word I would use to describe me. Frustrated with an unusual situation maybe...but definitely not depressed.
jenny...please don't assume that I am saying it would be easy in general...I am saying that, for me, it would be easy because I wouldn't be looking and would be fine with being alone or with someone else...but I am aware that that is because of my age and because I have been happily married for most of 26 1/2 years...so my goals for my futre are very different than yours
If you've been married forty years and are post-menopausal (for women) maybe attraction isn't an issue. But if you're not, why waste time dating someone where they might be a nice person but they have roughly the same odds of even getting to first base as I do of becoming Pope? (Hint: We are more likely to be visited by aliens from the nonexistant Mutara Nebula tomorrow.) Not just physically, emotionally--I gave up fast on internet dating as the men who responded tended to be emotionally needy clingy whiners. I'm not a redcap and this is not the emotional baggage car. Man up.
I also call complete and utter BS on the 'do things you love and you meet people that way.' You meet other women trying to meet men, and either shady operators preying on them or sad-sack whiney "Nice Guys". Or, in the activities I tend to pursue, gay men. Or taken straight men.
Okay, in fairness, the one area that DOES tend to have more men is steampunk activities, and unlike other geeky things there's a higher proportion of men who are physically attractive and well-groomed. A correspondingly higher proportion are also taken or gay, of course, but at least the odds are better, which is one reason I let more sf/f geek stuff slide. Looks and non-needy behavior really do matter.
I wrote a whole response and then said to myself, "Self, what's the point?" I see the argument here as I was in that position once and still have friends in that position. If I can't convince my friends in real life (they think I am crazy yet they know I am happy), it sure as heck won't convince someone online. All I am going to response with is this: When one fear overcomes another, you will act upon it. Go skydiving, it will change your life if you haven't try it.
I agree. I was going to respond to her post as well, but then decided why waste my time.
All of us poor misguided souls! Clearly dating is easy, if only we could see that. Millions of members on Match.com and eHarmony, why do those businesses even exist when it is so simple to find dates? Countless books and articles on dating, must be pure fiction, sold for entertainment purposes only. Time wasted joining singles groups, why do that when we are all running into scores of eligible people just by going to work, being happy people and conducting our normal daily lives?
Yep. Clearly, dates are so easy and everyone works in an office chock-full of single people (I'm guessing none of you work outside traditional white-collar professions?) or can easily swap jobs to one that is (because lord knows employment's so easy to come by), and obviously you can learn to be attracted to anyone if their PERSONALITY is just nice enough. Which it is in their minds.
It's not a fear. It's reality for a lot of people. The frustrating reality of one group of people saying how easy dating is and clearly you're not trying, another saying obviously you're holding out for [insert Hollywood star of the moment; I don't watch much American/fiction TV or movies so I don't know who is timely], which is code for 'you need to settle for the first schlubby Nice Guy that you meet who asks you out because he might be a nice person even if you're physically repulsed.'
And skydiving? Like I told the guy from the 82nd, I am not jumping out of a plane unless the other option is crashing. You want fear, come join in my other sport, where the problem isn't being sore, it's 'is today the day the 1000lbs animal decides he's scared and snaps my neck throwing me on the ground?'
Listen to yourselves. Your mindsets already turn people away! People can feel that negative energy radiating for you and will turn away.
I am not saying dating is easy, but don't focus that as your main goal. When you do that, you become obsessive and it shows. It eats into your mind and you jump on opportunities that aren't the best opinions for you.
By doing what you love, you change your mindset into a more positive one and also you won't be as desperate (I really don't know how to word this better).
I am single too, 31, works "white collar" with all middle aged married people and being Asian too with "tiny" eyes and nerdy maths. Beat that! I don't let it bother me and just doing my things.
And why are dating sites and books and PUA techniques all successful? Because we are so used to this fast paced world where we solve problems in a half hour show or watch someone's life story in a two hour movie. Fast food joints all over the place and take a pill for everything. No one really wants to spend time and we want the quickest way!
Heh. Even working in a white-collar profession is not guarantee. I'd say my job isn't exactly rocket science, but that's actually pretty much exactly what it is. The percentage of women in my field is actually somewhat higher than one might expect, but the workforce is still skewed *really* strongly towards males. Now, take that minority and look at the percentage who are actually available? Look, I'm simply not going to meet Miss Right through my job.
And as far as dance goes? Certainly there are people who meet through it, but I think everyone here knows it's not as great of a way to meet people as the stereotype would have.
Now, don't get me wrong. This isn't something I'm bitter about. I'm just saying, the fact that I've been single for a while now says that I'm not actively working to put myself into situations where I might meet someone. (Who has time, between work and trying to get ready for a comp?) Not that I just need to live my life and be happy. (Since I actually am interested in being in a relationship. There is, of course, absolutely nothing wrong with someone being perfectly happy with not being in one.)
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