How to flirt, and why.

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by toothlesstiger, Nov 2, 2011.

  1. JudeMorrigan

    JudeMorrigan Well-Known Member

    I think dating sites are getting something of a bum rap here. I mean, one wouldn't want to expect too much from them, but it really can be legitimately hard for individuals to meet new people. As a means of meeting people, I don't see why it's really any worse than any other. It's not a substitute for a relationship, but as a potential kickoff point? Why not?
  2. SamSays

    SamSays New Member

    I am going to be brief on this as it's really off topic. If your picture isn't Brad Pitt, it's not going to work. The reason? If you email a girl and wondering why she doesn't reply, it's because she gets tons of emails from a lot of guys (talking about hundreds here). She needs to weed them out quick and pictures are the quickest. Then take out all the one liners and dumb replies, etc...

    Now on top of that if a girl is getting that many attention, what do you think she's going to do? She'll want the best of the best even though she might have nothing (or close to what she's looking for) to offer in return.

    And they tell you it works (I am sure it did for some), but it's all marketing ($$$). Am I going to tell you don't do it? No, everybody is different and certainly give it a go, but meeting real people and reading their behavior is easier (for me at least) than reading from an email. My $0.02.
  3. SamSays

    SamSays New Member

    And that was supposedly short lol. I am not going to comment on this anymore as it has taken away from dancing (and won't change our minds anyway). If you all want to discuss this, there are other sites for this stuff (I didn't read the rules about posting sites, so not posting it but you can google "notalone" and I am sure it'll pop up).
  4. JudeMorrigan

    JudeMorrigan Well-Known Member

    Oh, I can't disagree with you on its pitfalls. I'm just saying that if someone were trying to meet someone, it's not necessarily a symptom of the fast-food society we live in for them to include it in their quiver. I'm terrible at actually doing this myself, but I'm inclined to think that if someone does want to meet someone, casting ones net as widely as possible is a good thing.

    Of course, like you say, desperation is a bad, baaaaaad thing if you're looking. I've been on both sides of that one, and couldn't agree more. I'd like to emphasize that I'm only talking about keeping one's opportunities open and saying it can be reasonable to look at these sites, not that they're necessary.
  5. bia

    bia Well-Known Member

    Negative energy toward dating is one thing, and yes, it can be problematic for dating. Negative energy toward being told you're doing dating wrong is another, which in no way implies the first.
  6. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    Yep!
    I'm realistic about dating/flirting, but not negative. There's a difference. When I have applied for jobs, I've competed with more than hundred applicants each time. I knew that, and it was good to be realistic about the odds, just so I didn't assume the job was mine. But at the same time, I stayed positive about it. Still doesn't mean it's easy to find a job, or a date. It's just good to assess the situation accurately so that you can formulate the best plan. :)
  7. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    I've been on both sides. If you want someone that shares your interests, best to focus on interests have the other gender represented in decent proportions, preferably a majority. None of your interests tend to be interesting to the other gender? Then your odds of finding someone who shares your interests are not good.

    The number of women I met in a research labs or high tech offices was rather limited. That, coupled with introversion and shyness, meant pretty bad odds.

    I spent eight years involved in a meditation center, most of that as a teacher. About 3 to 1 women to men. I met many women, many became friends, but for one reason or another, nothing worked out there.

    Then I started dancing. Actually found it close to even women to men where I was dancing, got into several relationships quite readily.

    So, I'm not saying dating is easy. But if what you're doing isn't working, it is not rational to assume things will improve if you continue doing the same things. Do what you can to improve your odds.
  8. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    My problem with that has always been--so do things I hate? If I like something, I do it. If I'm not meeting potential mates (as opposed to people I might like in general but who aren't of any sexual interest), should I quit doing things I enjoy and do things I loathe instead, meet someone that way, then immediately nag them to quit it once I've got them?

    Short of hiring a professional high-end matchmaker, how DOES one 'improve the odds' without lying (ie pretending to enjoy things one doesn't), completely changing careers to one where the ratio is in your favor whether you have any aptitude for it or not, or moving until you find some place with better odds?
  9. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    OR, you could do things you have never done before and don't know whether or not you hate it...AND, many a happy marriage has occurred among two people who have differing interests....dh golfs...I don't hate it, but I am dfinately in the "can live without it" range...I love him, I sometimes enjoy golfing with him, regardless of the fact that I probably wouldn't gold with anyone ...shrug...he's never going to competitivel dance...he likes the museum of natural history...I can find things that are interesting there but I don't live to be a donor there...for me, his values are foar more important than his interests...and I find it rather---fascinating-- to enjoy his passion over things about which I am only lukewarm
  10. SamSays

    SamSays New Member

    All,

    I wasn't trying to be negative or putting people down. But it's right back at ya when you scroll to a few posts back.

    I can live my life being happy or being sad and the same day will pass no matter what. The choice is mine to make... as is yours.

    -- Sam
  11. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    Not suggesting to do things you hate, just saying that doing the same things you usually do is likely to give you the same results you are used to getting. If it's too much of a compromise to engage in some activity just for the sake of improving the odds, I certainly wouldn't recommend doing it.

    The suggestion to try new things that you don't know if you like is a good one. And, again, to fascination's point, and as reflected by all those people on this who have non-dancing partners, you don't have to have common interests, as long as you enjoy each other's company and get along. You just have to find a way to meet them that doesn't require participating in common interests. ;-)
  12. freeageless

    freeageless Active Member

    Agreed. +1 :)
  13. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    Perhaps you missed the part of TT's post where he suggested focusing on interests. If you have an interest, you're really messed up if it's something you hate doing.
  14. bordertangoman

    bordertangoman Well-Known Member

    lol

    unless your interest is martyrdom or masochism....
  15. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    Rather than parse words, we could just call it "activities" instead? Anyway, I also sometimes think it would be easier to meet men if I loved sports and outdoor stuff. Yet I have female friends who love those things, and are still single. I have one friend who is attractive, very fit, and athletic. Yet she is pining over a former boyfriend and tells me how much she misses watching football with him! I replied, if that is what she wants, there are legions of men who would be thrilled to have her! But I think it's really the person more than the activity. Anything seems fun with the right person.
  16. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    The question is: does she still watch football, even though she's single?
  17. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    Yes. It's a genuine interest of hers, she didn't take it up just to meet men.
  18. bordertangoman

    bordertangoman Well-Known Member

    but you do get to meet 40,000 men plus at once..mmust beat speed dating...:)
  19. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    Cute - but that's just it - my point is, dating is a challenge even for those with opposite sex-friendly interests. Most of my sports-loving female friends still lament a lack of men. I've seen some Meetup events and clubs for things like target shooting, rock climbing, and paintball, and believe it or not, even those things get more women than men. I'm sure there are single guys doing those activities - but they're probably just doing them with a couple of longtime guy buddies, rather than joining a new group.

    In any case, getting back to flirting, in a way it all ties together. To meet and flirt with someone, you have to put yourself out there, and be open to getting to know what the other person is all about. A lot of folks are too set in their ways, and just want someone who will perfectly slot in with an already-established lifestyle.
  20. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    I don't actually WANT someone who likes most of the things I like, as except for horseracing and ballroom (and there the only non-off-putting ones are a very few non-Americans), most of the things I like tend to attract the elderly (I've taken up quilting recently, but that is NOT how to meet proper MEN who aren't forty years too old for me), or men who are just..no. Needy, whiney, sensitive and girly and physically weak to boot. Impossible to respect.

    I'm beginning to think "try something new" means "move to a foreign country." That or spend my weekends traveling to areas with more upscale racetracks to hang at. (Sadly at the moment that means mostly two states I wouldn't live in if you paid me, Florida or California.)

    I think it's mostly I despise the dating process and emotionally desperate people and just want to meet someone who doesn't NEED sobby weepy emotional support but just wants a companion, too. Because they don't like being alone, not because they actually want to talk about their feelings or are looking for someone to fill some sort of psychological void. Yet every time I try the whole "give the nice but unattractive guy from dance/the rink/tangentally the job a chance" he's another loser from an eHarmony commercial with some kind of mommy complex.

    Flirting is fun. Modern dating sucks. Apparently all I attract are wimps.

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