How to flirt, and why.

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by toothlesstiger, Nov 2, 2011.

  1. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    Well, if you really are only attracting that type, you should ask yourself why. Maybe you're an unusually good listener or perhaps you tend to meet a lot of people who are recently divorced or going through some sort of life transition?

    You can find out some of a person's qualities through flirting, too. When someone flirts, is really just about them expressing attraction to you or expressing their own needs and concerns (as was the case with the guy I was discussing), or are they also demonstrating interest in who you are?
     
  2. freeageless

    freeageless Active Member

    My first thought upon reading your posts, and your criticisms of men is this: It takes one to know one.
     
  3. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I think that is uncalled for
     
  4. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    My point, exactly. And I'm just trying to suggests ways to improve the odds of meeting the right person, not adopting new hobbies, necessarily.

    And to my point from before, I spent 8 years massively involved with an institution that was 75% female, and had maybe a couple of dates out of that. I stayed that long because of a genuine interest, but it didn't help my social life. I did something different (dancing), and that had a near immediate impact.

    You've got to keep trying different things until something actually works. ;-)
     
  5. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    There is a greater challenge once you get out of your early twenties. The more we go along, the more set we get in our ways. The more characteristics we define as "non-starters". And, of course, everybody else in your acceptable age range is doing the same thing. And there are fewer available as folks get married off.

    When I was in college, I met all kinds of girls. I just didn't have what it took to properly take advantage of that.

    If everybody you meet in a certain activity fails to pass your filters, then perhaps that activity doesn't tend to attract your type.

    If everybody you meet in all your activities fails to pass your filters, then perhaps you want to reconsider your filters.
     
  6. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    All good points. I admit to being out of my early twenties, and yes, it was so much simpler to meet people back then. You're in college, or in your first job, there are tons of people your own age, and all of them single. If you're lucky, you meet a person you can grow with - like fasc said, where you enjoy, appreciate and encourage each other's journey, even if your interests are different. Or you meet someone but it doesn't turn out like that, and then you have to start all over again when you're much older. Not easy.
     
  7. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    quite agree.

    DOI, it sounds to me like a case of opposites attracting. IME with this sort of thing, the more you embrace your own emotional needs, or cultivate understanding for another's, the more you'll come to the middle on this and also start being attracted to (and attracting) men who are also more balanced in that way.

    matters of attraction are only marginally conscious...most of that dynamic lies beneath the surface, in unconscious choices & values. we can gripe and try to manipulate things on the surface level all we want, but the patterns of attraction that run through our lives never change until we shift what's underneath.

    and it can shift a helluva whole lot if we do that. IME, anyway.
     
  8. Dots

    Dots Active Member

    I had a similar experience with singles activities before I met my current girlfriend (after years of often frustrating search). I tried interior wall climbing, flying trapeze, singles parties and a few other things before I realized that the people participating were more interested in the activities and casual socializing than dating.


    I also discovered that not all internet dating web sites are created equal. The first two dating web sites I registered to practically forced the men to make all the moves while the third that I went to encouraged women, through internal mechanics, to block off pesky incoming messages and do some searching of their own.


    I guess the point that I’m trying to make is that each dating tool (singles activities, speed dating, internet dating) has a target audience and favors certain behavior. If one tool is not producing results then it might be a good idea to check out another.


    That’s my (hopefully useful) 2 cents.​
     
  9. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I think you are onto something here...I know lots of people who cite instant attractions and all that...but, IME, most of the time my deepest attractions have been over people I did not find attractive initially AT ALL and with whom I had some rather significant differences but, over time, grew to understand and appreciate
     
  10. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    i love that you grew to understand and appreciate those key relationships over time. such a valuable journey.

    at the same time, i do know what that "instant attraction" can be like, and i have felt it for every one of my significant relationships, i think throughout my life -- a kind of instant "recognition", really, and usually accompanied by a sense of fascination (hah) that sounds something like "who ARE you????"

    i'm not talking about the chemistry one might feel on a dance floor at 2am :)cool:)...i'm referring to something that's instantly recognizeable as "something", even if one doesn't know what it is or why or what it might look like. ETA: it's like someone gives you a bag full of gold and you can tell there's something substantial & valuable in there, as compared with if someone gave you a bag of plastic. :)

    but still, whether it's instant or evolves over time, still...huge unconscious influences govern the area of attraction. we tend to be attracted or repulsed by people's "energy signature" based on what lies within our own energies & psyches. and most of us are pretty sleepy when it comes to identifying what lurks in there. :tongue:
     
  11. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    agree...guess my only point is that sometimes folks place way too much emphasis on their first encounter and miss alot
     
  12. kckc

    kckc Active Member

    wow, this thread took on a life of its own.

    FWIW, the whole point is that you have to FIND someone to flirt with in the first place, which it seems is what Jenny/DOI were trying to say when this train fell off the rails. Hope I didn't mis-understand...

    I have had men tell me I am too intimidating- not scary intimidating, but "you are smart, beautiful, confident and can dance" intimidating (someone who flirts with me shamelessly and gets it in return said that, though he is not the only one). That person happens to be at least 15 years older than me, which is VERY common among the men who do flirt with me. Closer to my age, I don't meet many, if any, AVAILABLE men to even begin to flirt with. (Location does play a part also I think, as I live in the "great place to raise a family" region, which many men are doing, therefore, not available).
     
  13. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    Flirting is a tool. It can be used for platonic socializing, it can be used to explore the possibilities of a relationship. And yes, that is different from finding potential relationships. Plenty of people get into relationships without flirting.

    It has been said, many times, many ways. It's about chance and numbers. You've got a certain chance to meet someone compatible. If there's a 1% chance per person, if you meet 100 people, you will probably have met someone compatible.

    You can change the probabilities by adjusting your filters. You can change how long it takes to meet a suitable someone by increasing the numbers that are subjected to your filters.
     
  14. SamSays

    SamSays New Member

    Agreed TT. Without substance, flirting can only get you so far. In the end your basic steps need to be solid before we can add in the advance body isolation, spin and turns (my instructors always say).
     
  15. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    Okay, how's this for probabilities? Went to a happy hour meetup tonight at one those craft micro-brewery places, where they brew their own unique beers onsite (you can actually see the vats behind the bar). Never saw so many attractive single men in one place before. Now you could say, duh, everyone knows that guys like beer...but most other happy hour events attract a lot of women. It's something about the whole micro-brewing concept that attracts men.

    Anyway, they had a jazz band as well (which is mainly why I came out, since I'm not a beer drinker) and some of the guys were jazz fans too, so I could talk music with them. I also should mention that the Mr. Chutzpah guy I dated was there with his girlfriend - wasn't expecting them, but turned out they knew some of the people there. True to form, Mr. C grabbed my leg and said hey as he passed - while I was engrossed in conversation with a cute guy. I spent the rest of the evening mingling with all the other hot men. Overall, a good night.
    :cheers:
     
  16. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    you go girl :)
     
  17. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    Congratulations!
    As to why the men were there, it's not simply that men like beer. People who love food may eat at a McDonald's but that's not what they are going to geek out over.
    Men of means will go out of their way for quality, and will develop a loyalty to a particular brew.
     
  18. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    AND, men of quality like jazz
     
  19. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    Also, I think men are generally more curious about how things work, i.e. the actual making of the beer, so craft brewing should tend to interest them more.
     
  20. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    Well, I wouldn't put it the way he did, but to expand on the way Jenny put it: if all you attract are wimps, what does that say about you?


    Feel like sharing?
     

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