General Dance Discussion > Is dancing emotional infidelity?

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by sunderi, Oct 20, 2004.


Is dancing emotional infidelity?

  1. Yes, almost always, and it's a problem.

  2. Yes, but it's not a problem because . . .

  3. Sometimes -- I'll explain below.

  4. Of course not. What a silly question!

  1. sunderi

    sunderi New Member

    :lol: I get the same reaction when people find out my husband & I both dance -- but with other people. His parents STILL haven't gotten used to it (after 3+ years of this arrangement!). :shock:
  2. sunderi

    sunderi New Member

    Right, but I'd think that would make it MORE threatening, not less so. When I said "trying to put my finger on the difference" I meant more "why I might be bothered by my husband exchanging 'how was your day emails' with a woman, but I have no negative reaction to him dancing with anyone". This is true even with some of his students who look at him all starry eyed. ;)
  3. sunderi

    sunderi New Member

    Excellent description!
  4. sunderi

    sunderi New Member

    Wow! I thought that was just me! ;) (Also before I had something to really throw myself into when my husband wasn't around.)
  5. Chris Stratton

    Chris Stratton New Member

    I think that if someone's emotional needs are being met primarily by something outside of their established relationship, then yes, that is _in the moment_ as much an infidelity as any physical act. The difference is that if it's a temporary diversion in what would be an otherwise lasting relationship, a purely emotional infidelity which burns itself out is more easily forgotten than a physical one.

    Emotions are more serious, but harder to seriously evaluate or apply rules to. That means they sometimes don't get as much attention from others as they deserve, but it also means they are easier to put behind us when it's worthwhile to do so.
  6. Laura

    Laura New Member

    Nope, not even interested. I'm good at waiting. And it's kind of cool to see my husband's public persona and realize that I know things about him that no one else does. I was at a party once where someone I didn't know drunkenly came up to me and started saying embarassingly kind things about him. I mean it was really bad. So I told the guy that one of our cats likes to play with his dirty socks. In fact, what I said was "to you he's a hero, but at home he's the guy who leaves his dirty socks in the middle of the living room for our kitten to play with." (I told you the guy was being embarassingly kind.) It put things back into perspective. I love my husband, he's my favorite person in the whole Universe.
  7. dTas

    dTas New Member

    i've been sitting here all morning wondering what to say in response to this subject. after reading some or your replies i still don't know what to say.

    i'm currently in a relationship surrounded with this question. i'm seriously involved with one person (for 3 years) and professionally dancing with another (for 3 years) and to make it more interesting they are good friends.

    to make a long story short... i'm "restricted" from developing any kind friendship with my dance partner because of the dangerous "triange" i am in.

    then there's also the thought of dancing itself being the "other woman". from my point of view its a job; teaching, practicing, etc. but from anyone outside of dancing the view would be a hobby. a hobby that is not as important as "social" activites. its a fine line to walk and to make everyone happy.

    this is a very good subject! more to follow as i figure it out...
  8. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Wow, dTas. That's a tough one. Good luck.

    I guess my take, having been on the receiving end of ... stuff, is that emotional infidelity is something that spouses/SO's/partners, need to discuss and clearly define between them. What makes me uncomfortable may be perfect okay with someone else. And what seems normal to me may seem like an act of betrayal to my SO (if I ever have another one LOL.) That's why, in an earlier post, I said something about keeping the lines of communication open. To me, that's the key to making these fuzzy situations work.
  9. sunderi

    sunderi New Member

    That's a good point -- I wonder if dancing is more often "ok" because it's something that is fairly easy for people to talk about . . . :?:
  10. DanceAm

    DanceAm New Member

    In the story of the guy on-line asking his ex-gf how her day was before or if he never asked his current SO how her day was, that was an act robbing from the relationship. If he asked both about their day, that would usually indicate nothing is wrong, but in this instance, there was something there. The question on that is, what was he missing from his current relationship that made him get on line with his old gf? I think that was the textbook first step, something must have been missing for him to pursue that. Simple, emotional needs are usually missing and the worst part is, usually if the other simply knew, they could have provided. Often when one in the relationship is in need, they try to express themselves, but then it ends up not being taken seriously or in an argument and it is continually unresolved. Sex is like a dance partnership, one always wants to practice more than the other, they have to come to an agreement. The argument on sex is one wants it more often than the other, and if the disparity is wide, there is a problem and it should get resolved. Discounting the other's desire as being too much, that is your opinion, not the other's. But it isn't always sex, again, it could simply be the need for conversation and acknowledgement of the other's existance and his/her wants and needs.

    Dancing is not being unfaithful, crushes are not really being unfaithful, but if more energy was put into the crush to make it more, we all know what could happen. There is a line to be drawn and there are differences. Dancing can fill needs, but the instructor is a tool of the dance. Often the line is crossed and it not in the best interest of either to allow the relationship to go deeper than teacher/student.

    Keeping your relationship central in your life is one of the keys to making it successful. All of your decisions should consider those in your relationship and what they want and need. If you constantly make decisions based on what you want and not what your SO wants, I would say something bad is going happen. Again, nothing is wrong with dancing even if only one does it. But watch out for the relationships you form, do you look forward to being with your dance friends more than your SO? Do you find them filling a void that exists in your personal relationship? Do the converations get sexual or flirty? Is that spark gone in your personal relationship? All good things to keep in mind.
  11. foursquare

    foursquare New Member

    Well, damn if this isn't exactly what I was trying to say in my stupid bucket post. Thanks for stating it better than I could!

  12. mamboqueen

    mamboqueen Well-Known Member

    I'll never look at a bucket quite the same way again! 8)
  13. Adwiz

    Adwiz New Member

    Same here. I find it hard to understand their viewpoint, but I guess until you've danced (especially competitively) you'd have no frame of reference for seeing it as something other than an emotional or romantic experience. For me, competition is not romantic, it's hard work! Enjoyable hard work, but not emotionally engaging in the way people seem to think.

    I usually counter by comparing it to ice skating. They seem to have no problem thinking of ice skaters are being "professional" about their relationship.

    Again, I think you're right on. I dance with both my wife and another competition partner. There's no problem at all keeping the two in perspective. I'm married to one for all the right reasons, and dancing with the other for a completely different set of reasons. When I dance with my wife, I enjoy the romantic energy it provides. While dancing with my other partner requires a kind of "on-floor" sexual energy in the sense that I think she's attractive and sexy (otherwise why in the world am I dancing with her), there is certainly no emotional connection beyond the performance itself. I know that she feels the same way (she's also been in a stable marriage for 20 plus years, just like me).

    Probably what has caused more problems for me than anything else is the increasingly apparent difference in goals between my wife and I in the area of dance. She wants to compete but is very casual about it, seeing competition as a mere "hobby" -- a fun thing to do together like going on a walk -- while I compete to win. So I'm putting in 20+ hours of practice every week while she's generally available for maybe an hour or two. The result is something like a kind of jealousy that my other dance partner (who has the same performance goals I have) gets more of my time. What's a poor guy to do? :? I just want to dance!
  14. tsb

    tsb Well-Known Member

    i voted "it depends". and for simplicity echo danceam's post, take a little of adwiz's (george, thanks for the info, i do regret not getting a chance to dance while in vancouver this weekend) about it being different when the partnership is professional both on & off the floor (conversations kept away from personal details, etc.), a little from jon about how dynamics in each relationship is different (the friend in question must have learned it in grad school, it's definitely not in the caltech curriculum) and how there is a little more... risk as compared to birdwatching and somebody else who noted the physical proximity

    and then finish by noting that people who are happy in their current relationships & generally want to please their partners do not wake up thinking "i'm going to be unfaithful today" - it's generally a gradual process that started with a seemingly innocent action that led to the boundary that eventually got crossed. for those of you conversant with my chicken & the road saga, i know that letting someone loiter at the curb hasn't been the wisest choice.
  15. mamboqueen

    mamboqueen Well-Known Member

    Adwiz: I think you need to find a way to clone yourself! And heck, go for an extra and send one my way! You have a great attitude.

    To be honest, I'm glad my husband decided right away that he wasn't interested in dancing; it would probably irritate me as well that he wasn't as into it as I was (I have a tough time fully understanding how one cannot simply LOVE to dance!). I guess there are issues no matter how you slice it.

    And I always chuckle in my mind that people would think I was remotely interested in my teacher. I like him and have great respect for him, his work ethics, etc, but heck, I have a hard time mustering up my rumba emotion because there's just nothing there! LOL - hope he isn't reading this!!

    I always joke that I need a really good gay man in my life. Would solve a lot of my problems!
  16. Laura

    Laura New Member

    I had a secret crush on a dancer once. It ended the day I saw him in shorts. He had the knobbiest knees I'd ever seen.
    middy likes this.
  17. mamboqueen

    mamboqueen Well-Known Member

    So, you're a knee snob??? *LOL*
  18. Laura

    Laura New Member

    Heh. My husband has great legs, so I have high standards.
  19. DanceAm

    DanceAm New Member

    Just one more thing, just because you are happy in your relationship doesn't mean the other is happy.

    I have been dancing for 6 years now and by no means am I an expert on relationships, but I did my research after finding out that a couple got divorced and I thought they had a wonderful marriage, but I usually just saw her in the dance studio. Turns out the wife started sleeping with the instructor, the instructor is now divorced too, but I expected that to end long before they even filed.

    It seems to me that she was taking 5 lessons a week with him, she had money and really wanted to learn to dance well. Apparently, her being out of the house every night caused a riff that started to bother her, she didn't want to quit taking lessons, then the dance instructor started talking about his marriage woes then she started talking then they were both joking about their unempthetic partners and their love for dance. It didn't start for almost a year, then the divorce sucked a lot of money out of the marriage, the lessons didn't continue then neither did anything else. This is one of the saddest stories I have ever witnessed.
  20. mamboqueen

    mamboqueen Well-Known Member

    5 lessons a week! Hah!

    This is first position; second, and fifth. Here's a new one we haven't named yet.... LOL

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