General Dance Discussion > Is dancing emotional infidelity?

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by sunderi, Oct 20, 2004.


Is dancing emotional infidelity?

  1. Yes, almost always, and it's a problem.

  2. Yes, but it's not a problem because . . .

  3. Sometimes -- I'll explain below.

  4. Of course not. What a silly question!

  1. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    and sometimes the fact that that sort of emotional connection is not often anticipated by people when they are first entering into a dance experience
    Bailamosdance and Mr 4 styles like this.
  2. londongal

    londongal New Member

    On top of the physical contact, looking into one another's eyes, etc, I think there's also the component of music, and the whole setting of a social dance ... what with the anticipation of being asked, the 3 minute crush, and then separation and each again anticipating the next dance together, it could be pretty romantic. Heck, it can be a bit like high school again.

    I'll admit that, in my younger days, I got carried away this way with a leader from the studio. We both relished those fleeting moments of close contact, beautiful music and sweeping around the floor. At the time, I had a boyfriend who was totally oblivious.

    Can dancing lead to emotional infidelity? From my experience, I'll be first to say yes, it can. I also say emphatically that I allowed it to happen, instead of setting boundaries. In the committed relationship I am in today, I would never allow that to happen again.
  3. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    Same here. Thanks for this. I couldn't have found the words myself. I'll share it on my FB, hope you don't mind.
  4. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    I agree. They're separable. With dancing or anything else: Boundary setting in the context of personal relationships is important; and as others have noted, vigilance in defense of established committed relationships is also important.

    At the same time, as has often been said before on DF, dancing carries a radically different definition of "personal space" than most people encounter in day-to-day life; and with the diminished physical boundaries the "measure of care" in dance relationships perhaps must be greater, than in relationships in other activities.

    I remember, long ago, when as a complete beginner I was doing some web searches about "learning to dance". I came across one site for a university team that offered classes, that opined (paraphrasing): "If you're part of a couple, and considering learning to dance because your relationship has some problems and you think this would be a romantic way to spend some time together and work on them: Don't do it. Just trust us on this. It's a really bad idea."

    Nonetheless, people with strong relationships and who are careful with boundaries can and do dance, without "emotional infidelity" or the like. I probably would reject a claim that dancing is a justification or a root cause of infidelity. However attractive an explanation that might be, my sense is that the world is rarely so simple.
  5. dbk

    dbk Well-Known Member

    Hahaha, excellent advice! Although I would say that the arguing is what does couples in, not being around other people.
  6. bia

    bia Well-Known Member

    Yup. Dancing (specifically, practicing together to prepare for competition) is the hardest thing that DH and I do together. And I say that while being satisfied overall with how we manage it and pleased that we continue to improve in its management.
  7. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    after 13 years my wife an I finally don't "argue'..

    oh wait we didn't dance today theres always tomorrow
  8. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    My husband and I recently split up, but not because of dancing. When we were together, we could social dance a little, but generally we did not get along dance-wise. We could not practice together. We enjoyed social dancing together but only a couple times a night--the rest of the time we would split up and dance with others although we would often hang out together between dances. If dancing were going to cause me to stray, I've had plenty of opportunities in the past 13 years we've been together and was never tempted. To me, dancing is just dancing. Yes, there's an emotional connection and 3 minute crush, but it ends with the music.

    My previous boyfriend would not let me go dancing without him, even with my brother as an escort, because he didn't trust me. That was just one of the things wrong with that relationship.

    There are so many opportunities to connect with someone outside your marriage and let your marriage fail, if you're not doing the work at home to keep it going.
    dbk likes this.
  9. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    My take on this: Let's assume I'm an non-dancer, and my SO is a dancer. When we meet, she has already been dancing for years. We hit it off, develop a relationship. I know, at that point that I am satisfying something in her that she could not satisfy through dance. I can have some measure of trust. If on the other hand, she didn't start dancing until we had been together for a few years, we have a change that I have to account for. My SO is growing in a new direction. There is a chance that she will grow away from me. Even if I take up dancing with her, there is a chance that she will find something that pulls her out of her relationship with me.

    Now, I don't intend to judge how things go. I'm just pointing out the practicalities of how I would approach things. You could swap out dance for "new career", or "going back to school", and the same worries apply.

    I consider marriage to be a commitment to be worked on. But I can't control another person, including my SO.
    Mr 4 styles and dbk like this.
  10. Chris Eaton

    Chris Eaton Member

    A very moving Post "Fas", thanks for sharing.
    chomsky likes this.
  11. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

  12. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    It's the change...The couple changes as a whole...They grow up together, they face the change together not one against the other but together. Just like a dancing couple dances together and not each dancer on their own. It's the togetherness...makes no difference when your SO dances or doen't dance in dance or in life alike...
    Mr 4 styles likes this.
  13. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    It depends on the couple. I have seen couples grow together over time, even as they change, and I have seen couples grow apart with no obvious change, and vice versa.

    I have noticed that different cultures have a different idea of the sanctity of marriage (I don't mean what religions say, but what the culture expects in terms of how hard you try to make it work). It is common in America to be more focused on getting your own needs met than on the partnership. There is no stigma to being divorced. It is passed onto generations. If your parents were divorced, it looks normal to you. If your parents were together through your whole childhood, this will also color your inclinations.
    chomsky and Mr 4 styles like this.
  14. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't say there's a stigma in Greece either. But I am only talking out of personal experience. I guess it's not only cultures. It just depends, as you said. It depends on your own personal circumstances, what life brings in your way...
  15. Leon Theou

    Leon Theou Active Member

  16. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

  17. Bailamosdance

    Bailamosdance Well-Known Member

    "Man charged in assault of local woman. Neighbors say he was a nice man, never any trouble, quiet. News at 11"
  18. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    Hmm, let's give the guy a break. The way he expresses himself is rather ignorant, but if he had never been exposed to dance before, I could see where it would be disturbing. At least he asks for a sanity check, there. And if he were a rational, well-informed, there is still cause for concern, as she may discover something in dancing that he does not provide, as I had talked about earlier.
  19. Chris Eaton

    Chris Eaton Member

    Sorry Guys,
    I can forgive this guy his distinct lack of trust in his relationship and his similar lack of knowledge of Dancing. But I simply cannot forgive his atrocious spelling and his abominable grammar.
    The fact he is also an emotional Neanderthal, just makes me feel incredibly sorry for his prospective partner. Rant over.
    Leon Theou, FancyFeet and twnkltoz like this.
  20. JudeMorrigan

    JudeMorrigan Well-Known Member

    Sadly, his spelling and grammar were not the worst part of his question. As obnoxious as they were, they pale in comparison to the "she should always keep that in mind and shud not give me an opportunity to strike back as i am hell short tempered" bit. That's ... actually really disturbing.

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