Ballroom Dance > Lasting Partnership - What is the secret ?

Discussion in 'Ballroom Dance' started by dancingirldancing, Jun 7, 2010.

  1. tanya_the_dancer

    tanya_the_dancer Well-Known Member

    Sometimes you'd say something you thought was reasonable, and the other person still gets upset. So sometimes it is the receipient taking things too personally.
  2. Ithink

    Ithink Active Member

    I am pretty sure Joe meant the receipient, not the speaker...
  3. Laurie

    Laurie New Member

    Very well articulated!
  4. Josh

    Josh Active Member

    Great advice for the recipient of those words. The danger would be for the giver of the words to use that as an excuse to use whatever words he or she wanted without regard to the potential harm to the recipient.

    I have many times made the mistake of trying to be efficient with people by just laying it out, and sometimes it works, but often it backfires. As Stephen Covey says, being efficient with people and trying to treat them as a 'task' or agenda item simply doesn't work. The key is to be effective, not efficient. I have to ask myself, "am I saying these words to this person for me, or for them?" In other words, are my words going to get a desired result, or simply make me feel good for "laying it out"?

    I struggle with this still today because I am very unaffected by dance criticism, and I make the mistake of assuming that my partner may not be as well, which is the wrong assumption. Words about my dancing simply do not bother me, and I can take a negative criticism and find something useful about it, and then make my dancing better. All that matters is that my dancing improves; my feelings do not matter. It's just the way I allow myself to operate. However, I cannot operate that way with others, as few people are that way; I must choose my words carefully when speaking to others, no matter how I may choose to give zero power to negative words given to me.
  5. CANI

    CANI Active Member

    Very nice, Josh. I agree completely. It is my goal to follow Joe's advice as a recipient. However, as a speaker, while one can't drive oneself crazy thinking how things may come across, there is clearly a line where speaking whatever I wanted would be a marker of lack of responsibility, laziness, or worse, and it would be my goal to work against falling into that trap as well.

    (My comment is just speaking to Josh's comment -- I have never been in a lasting, or non-lasting, partnership, so this isn't a comment for the goal of this thread as I don't have the experience to contribute to a discussion on lasting partnerships.)
  6. barrefly

    barrefly New Member

    My daughter was matched by her instructor. It seems that dance skill/compatability is not the only criteria for matching couples. I can see why this instructor is reknown for working with young dancers. Dance partnership seems only as good as the relationship the couple have with each other. My daughter enjoys her a dance partner and as a friend.
  7. UMASSshoesandcostumes

    UMASSshoesandcostumes Active Member

    I would love to meet with you if you have the time, thank you so much for offering. I can't really express how much we appreciate that offer. We would love to learn whatever you have to teach us.

    On my new partner (a short rant): I think part of the problem is that coming from different schools we've been taught very different ways of approaching technique and it's muddling with things in terms of getting on the same page. He has incredibly good frame, and I'm very happy about that-- much better frame than my previous partner. His technique overall is much cleaner than my last partner as well, which I'm also happy with. There are some things that I'm having issues with, mostly with his leads. I feel like he over leads a lot, possibly because his last partner did not maintain connection with him through her back and his right hand and had her frame set pretty far forward. He's also VERY attached to leads initiating in the ribcage which I'm having a bit of trouble picking up on, maybe it's because it's not what I'm used to, but what I was always told is that leads initiate in your feet, knees and hips and can be expressed through the ribcage. I know I'm not necessarily correct, but I feel like his leads don't feel organic yet-- and it seems like this is not the way they're supposed to feel-- but I still may be wrong too. The communication is always the hardest part-- he's been taught the way he's been taught and is a bit defensive about it on occasion, mostly because he doesn't want to admit that he may have been taught or understood something he was taught incorrectly. I think we all suffer this problem on occasion though, so it's not unforgivable by any means. On top of all this he's never really received any International coaching so all of international is a trial in terms of correcting all the things he taught himself incorrectly. It's a work in progress, but we have a good time. We'll be competing for the first time at MAC-- next week will be our intense 4 hours a day, get everything together week, so hopefully everything comes together so it's at least halfway decent-- if not we will still have a good time competing and look forward to the point where our dancing is halfway decent. :)
  8. Dancing Irishman

    Dancing Irishman Well-Known Member

    Speaking from the perspective of just starting with a new partner from a new school of thought, stick with it and your approaches will accommodate each other's in time.

    It's always tough to hear corrections of your technique coming from a partner, especially because sometimes the partner's pointing out something you already *know* is suboptimal (and your reaction is pretty apt to be defensive, or at least mine definitely is). Maybe you can find a drill that makes him accountable for correcting himself? Or maybe your coach could suggest one?
  9. dlliba10

    dlliba10 Well-Known Member

  10. nikkitta

    nikkitta Well-Known Member

  11. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member

    Joe and nikkitta like this.
  12. mindputtee

    mindputtee Well-Known Member

    I will agree on this. My partner is often frustratingly late, even for competitions. His theory is to just buy me coffees and food and it'll make it better. While it does help some, it's not a real solution, just a patch.
  13. nikkitta

    nikkitta Well-Known Member

    this is the same partner who throws you into walls on purpose, right? o_O
  14. dlliba10

    dlliba10 Well-Known Member

    To be honest, I'm more of a caramel fan myself.

    But really, if communication were meant to be easy all the time, no one would ever have any problems. The beauty of a partnership is finding a way to communicate and finding a middle ground, and if one half of the partnership isn't willing to admit to faults or try something new (not saying that's what's happening in your case, UMass), then it's time for a real talk or a bye-bye talk. If the potential for communicating better is there, though, and you each are having a good time, then keep on keepin' on, keep growing both in dance and in your relationship with one another, and yay.

    PS UMass, say hi at MAC! I'll be the one running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to wrangle all the volunteers together.
  15. mindputtee

    mindputtee Well-Known Member

    He's actually stopped doing that for the most part!
  16. JudeMorrigan

    JudeMorrigan Well-Known Member

    Well, good. For the most part. You're far too awesome to have to deal with that sort of crap.
  17. slhull.13

    slhull.13 Active Member

    Any advice specifically geared toward communicating with a DP that is also a significant other? I know that many of the same rules apply in terms of communication, but what are some ways to curb the inevitable confusion between personal life partnership and dance partnership?
  18. raindance

    raindance Well-Known Member

    There is a book that covers a lot of that - it isn't only for people in relationships with their dance partner, but it certainly covers that. Ballroom Dancing is Not For Sissies - a R-rated Guide for Partnership by Elizabeth and Arthur Seagull. Ignore the title, I really don't find it captures the content well. More like a guide for developing your partnership in ways that are good for both partners and good for your dancing. Lots of tips for both halves of the partnership on how to relate to each other, would be great for both of you to read. It's available on amazon.
  19. Warren J. Dew

    Warren J. Dew Well-Known Member

    My experience is that there is a certain amount of argumentation that needs to be done, and it can occur either in the dance practices or in the personal life. Put it in the part of the relationship that matters less to you.
  20. middy

    middy Well-Known Member

    I'd say to try to separate all aspects of your personal relationship from your dance relationship - don't mix them up, because that will just complicate things and perhaps make both worse.
    Loki and stash like this.

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