Life is Hard Thread

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by TinyDancer109, Dec 6, 2010.

  1. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    so so sad news. A cousin of mine in her early thirties committed suicide 5 years ago, a good-looking,warm and kind oncologist she was. Such a bad disease, the stupid depression...
  2. Spitfire

    Spitfire Well-Known Member

    There is going to be a memorial dance in his honor next month on his birthday.
  3. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    I am so afraid of life. So afraid of breathing. So afraid of everything. I'm just afraid. I have no dreams anymore. I had one and it's gone; gone with the wind. I must be crazy to be writing this, thank god for the anonymity. This is not real life. This is just something virtual, everyone kept telling me but I didn't want to believe them. Now, I have to face reality and the real world and I have to open my eyes and stop dreaming. I don't want to. I liked dreaming; it's been less than a year. Couldn't I just keep dreaming a bit longer? Did I have to wake up? I don't think I' ll ever be able to dream again.
  4. Spitfire

    Spitfire Well-Known Member

    Whatever it is you're dealing with chomsky, I wish you the best in getting through it quickly.
  5. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    thanks, many thanks.
  6. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    Chomsky, I'm so sorry babe... It will get better, it always does. Nothing stays for too long.

    Its funny that I read this because I came to talk about some things, starting with how last week I finally got to where I shed my last bit of fear of life and realized and totally embraced the fact that I can handle anything life throws at me. I can fix my life, I can be great and do great things, I am perfect just the way I am, I am so strong and nothing can get in my way.

    And just like that, after I got to where I needed to be, life decided to teach me something different. I guess it figured that if I had learned how to cope with the things I CAN change, it should test how I'd deal with things I can not change.

    So Sunday I was visiting my mother at the lake. She revealed to me that she'd just finished a ten week course of chemotherapy for Hodgkin's lymphoma, which is now in remission. I'd had no idea she was the least bit sick. I thought her life was fabulous, despite having just lost her mother in February, she had moved in to her own place for the first time and was enjoying life. I had even called her on St. Pat's Day, for the first time in our relationship, just to check up on her and see how she was doing, and she said everything was better than it'd ever been. I had no idea she was in the middle of a course of chemo.

    It was such a shock. I am so glad everything is okay.. granted remission means waiting to see, this early, but its gone and they caught it early and she did well with chemo.. I have been running the gamut of emotions, yesterday I just felt apart while with a client. But he has been a permanent M-f since around New Years so he's become a confidant. We got in to an argument over a jammed paper shredder because I didn't want to admit I messed it up, I ended up crying and he was just like.. what is going on in your life???

    But its just amazing how life keeps giving me something new and I handle it. My mother offered me the option of moving in with her and working part time while going to school for nursing. Its really nice to have that option. I had been thinking of the Navy and even got the ball rolling on trying to go back in (I have prior AF experience). What I found out is that I still want to join the Navy. I just have this fear of settling. Nursing is wonderful, but its not for me, so the idea of settling for something I'm not passionate about, even if it is practical and safe, scares the crap out of me because I know how I am, and if I get in to a rut I can drink myself in to serious health problems. Optimistic, I know, but its true. I have never felt joy, or experienced personal growth, for staying in my comfort zone, and with nursing I would. I want to be an interpreter with the military, I've always loved languages and wanted a useful reason to learn one fluently, and I want to make a difference somewhere somehow.

    I don't know. I'm rambling on way too long. I just find all this very wild. I wish I was a simple girl, who wanted to go to nursing school, get a job at a rural hospital, meet a nice man and settle down and have a family. My goals aren't seeming to line up with that.. which is why I'm not looking forward to telling my mom that I can't take the offer at least not now. I know the whole ordeal scared her and made her realize things she's taken for granted, like her family. I feel guilt, that I am doing that, too.
  7. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    Oh.. Why did she choose to go through it privately? None of us lives close enough to really be physically present, with jobs and everything, plus she knows we're all prone to severe depression. I for one would have totally fallen apart, waiting to see how she would come through it. This way was hard, but not as hard, I'm sure. I just have to try to look at this optimistically, not as my mother was sick but as she is much better now.


    ETA: I'm gonna go get lost in flashing lights and loud salsa music and dance my butt off now lol
  8. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I remember the day I found out my Dad had cancer. it was on a Saturday night, after the family reunion banquet my Dad planned and organized. He'd known it for months. I felt betrayed at the secret my parents had held.

    It took me a long time to come to peace with the idea that, as much as it hurt me, it wasn't about me. It was about my Dad's confrontation of his own possible mortality. It was about my Mom's need to hold her husband's confidence. It was about fear and determination and a bunch of other stuff.

    Respect your Mom, as much as it hurts.

    I am praying for you now and will continue to. What you are going through is so hard.
  9. Lioness

    Lioness Well-Known Member

    It's good to see you again, WW.

    For my grandma, it was a point of pride. She didn't want anyone to know how sick she was and how much pain she was in. She wanted to seem strong and resilient to those around her. Self-sufficiency was a big thing for her, and I think she thought that telling us would mean she would lose some of that.

    We knew she had cancer right from the beginning, but towards the end she didn't let on how bad it was at all.
  10. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    My mom didn't want anyone to worry about her. She takes on an image that she can handle anything, she takes pride in that. I am becoming like her in that way, I love the challenges life throws at me, I want more, I want the bragging rights when I conquer something. She's like that. She wants to feel like she didn't need to lean on everyone for support, I think.

    At first I thought, what a selfish jerk. Then I wrapped my head around it and I understand why she kept it private. Like I said, I would have broke down. It was at the same time Nana died. The day after that happened, I blew a month of sobriety and threw all my energy in to distracting myself.. Had my mother also told me in February that she had cancer, I would have crashed even harder.

    I gotta figure out how to deal with life better... when I said I had gotten to feeling like I could handle anything, I got to feeling like I could handle the normal everyday challenges that everyone faces, which I had feared irrationally for so long. I was now setting up payment plans on my credit cards, adjusting things and budgeting and spending responsibly, and making choices based on self-respect and self-preservation and loyalty and common sense, instead of making irrational choices based on a desire to mask my insecurities and fears. I dunno. I better head to bed. Thanks for listening, girls.
  11. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Hmm. Wow. Everybody has their own wisdom and their own way of doing things, WW.

    My truth? There's no harm in asking for help. I CAN do mostly everything by myself, but not everything. And even if I can do it all, why should I if I can share the load? I reach out to help other people all the time. If I refuse when they reach out to help me, I think, for me, sometimes, it's more about my arrogance than anything. I don't need help. I can do everything.


    Just a slightly different perspective, and not talking about you or your Mom. Your Mom may have been trying to protect you at a really difficult time. She does love you, you know. *hug*
  12. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    it's so nice to be with you here!!!it's so nice we share all this together. it doesn't feel lonely...
  13. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Weird interaction this morning that I really don't know where to post, so I'll post it here, because I find it profoundly sad.

    Conversation between me and neighbor I'd never met:

    Him: Good morning.
    Me: Good morning. How are you?
    Him: Nobody cares.

    His last comment was said as he walked in the other direction, toward his front door.

    OMG. I didn't know what to do or say. Our world is full of people who believe that nobody cares.

    I find this so, so sad.


    Incidentally, I never ask someone, "How are you?" unless I'm open to having them tell me how they are. Not sure when or why "How are you?" became another way to give people a mean, impersonal brush-off.
  14. TinyDancer109

    TinyDancer109 Well-Known Member

    wow that is sad, and difficult to know how to react! :(
  15. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I didn't know whether to run after him and say, "I care!" or to just let him go. I let him go, and have been regretting it all day. I thought I'd learned years ago that, when moved to reach out, just reach out. I wish I had. That poor man. *sigh*
  16. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    mmm...maybe...maybe not....sometimes people who behave that way are well trained at the art of finding new people to use...I know that sounds cynical....but...many people who feel that way never express it or put it on someone else...there are others who have learned the utility of being pathetic...and while I always want to err on the side of finding out, I just want to remind you of that very plausible possibility
  17. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Oh yeah. There was something in his tone of voice, though. And he didn't let his eyes meet mine, even when he started the conversation. I think he was real. *sigh*

    Also, I have,especially recently, been on the receiving end of the mercy of many, many "angels" in human form. Something moved them to reach out to me. I hope that, if I'm being moved to reach out, that I can recognize the prompting for what it is.

    I hear you, though.
  18. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    I had a very strange and funny short 15 minutes with a 60 year old acquaintance of mine. A neihgbour from 20 years ago. I met him by chance in the street in February 2011. He told me what a nasty new years eve he had had being ill with his heart in the hospital. He said what he minded the most was how lonely he was. I just told him not to give up and that things will get better. He died shortly after, a few months actually after that. I was so shocked to hear the news. There was nothing more I could have done to help him out, I know I shouldn't feel guilty he went away. Still, it's so weird we had that random meeting. Poor thing, he didn't have a nice life: extremely poor and unlucky in his love life. What can you say. It's just his loneliness and depression that was always obvious from when I remember him as a child. May he rest in peace.
  19. Purr

    Purr Well-Known Member

    I received news from a family member last night that another family member, that I'm estranged from, is very, very ill.
  20. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I am sorry to hear that...it is often much harder to deal with that than when the relationship is close

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