Life is Hard Thread

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by TinyDancer109, Dec 6, 2010.

  1. Lioness

    Lioness Well-Known Member

    So now my grandfather has died, too.

    Which actually means nothing to me. I don't know him. I've never met him, as far as I remember.
    And I'm expected to go to the funeral...which I really don't want to do. I barely have enough time to eat, sleep, and study. I'm struggling to get enough hours at work. I do not need hours of being expected to feel sad, being sympathised at by people I don't know, for someone I don't know, and all the stuff that comes along with a funeral.

    Is is really bad to just miss one? It's not something I want to do. Funerals are not something I enjoy.
  2. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    No. It's not wrong to miss a funeral. But I would suggest that you think carefully about what your grandfather's death means to you, if anything. You get one shot at this.

    When my great-grandmom died, I was twenty-four, on the top of my game at work, and BUSY, busy, busy. So busy that, even when the rest of my family packed up and headed "home" immediately, I stayed at work. That weekend, I flew home, just in time for the funeral. I could barely squeeze it into my schedule.

    I didn't know what was coming. I was shocked that I deeply mourned the loss of my great-grandmom for years. I had no idea how much she meant to me, until after the dimmer switch that is grief started turning the lights back on. I was so deeply into denial that I didn't realize what a cornerstone she was in my life.

    Even if that doesn't apply to you, is it possible that your parent whose parent has died might be supported by your presence? Not trying to guilt you, L, but funerals aren't about the dead person, IMV. They are about the living who may feel profound loss. Even if that's not you, that doesn't mean that your presence at the service is without value.

    OTOH. If you can't be there, you can't.
  3. TinyDancer109

    TinyDancer109 Well-Known Member

    ...I don't think funerals are something anyone enjoys...
  4. latervet1

    latervet1 Member

    lioness- Even tho you were not close to your grandfather i would consider going for support of your parent who is losing their parent. no matter how old you are losing your parents is a huge emotional deal. I am not a parent but i would think that being surrounded by your kids would help mitigate that some.
    I vaguely remember my mother calling me when i was an undergrad in college to tell me that her mother had passed. My life went on as usual. I made no special phone calls to check on her, didnt return home for the funeral etc. Years later when my mother passed I realized what a major "fail" i had committed by not being more "in touch" and compassionate and just acknowleding her loss.
  5. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I remember the day of my grandmother's funeral. (Oh goodness! It's been almost two decades and the memory of that day still makes me weep!)

    Anyway, that day, my Mom was so ... shredded ... that her daughters had to literally dress her. One of us ironed her outfit. One of us helped her with her pantyhose, one of us put her earrings on, etc. It was awful. I can't imagine her having to get through that day without us.
  6. TinyDancer109

    TinyDancer109 Well-Known Member

    Dad's cancer has spread to his brain. He has 2 tumors there. Docs suggest that if he passes a physical to be healthy enough for it, that he undergo brain surgery to remove the larger tumor followed by radiation to treat the smaller one that is more dangerous to remove surgically. Dad is 83 - so he doesnt know what he wants to do yet.

    I am thinking I should probably cancel USDC either way.
  7. Spitfire

    Spitfire Well-Known Member

    Hugs and prayers to you and family TD. Know this has not been an easy time for you.
  8. singndance

    singndance Well-Known Member

    TD, hugs and prayers. I hope that whatever your Dad choses, he and your family is at peace with his decision.
  9. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I'm always afraid to read this thread. *sigh*

    Don't know what to say, TD. So I'll ditto what singndance said so well above. Hugs and prayers. I hope that I hope that your Dad is able to make a decision in a way that will bring all of you peace. *hug*
  10. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    TD, my empathy...truly, I have been in your situation...hug
  11. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    TD prayers to you from me too...
  12. 3wishes

    3wishes Well-Known Member

    I have been there-several times. huge huge hug.
  13. TinyDancer109

    TinyDancer109 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the support everyone!

    The surgeon recommended against the surgery. She said that he is doing so well and the surgery would only diminish quality of life... and recovery from it would take away a precious 2 weeks from treating the 2nd fast growing tumor. They will begin aggressive radiation treatment instead. She says we can always consider surgery later if radiation does not work.

    Despite everything, Dad was in good spirits last night and doing well with his speech and physical therapy.
  14. Wannabee

    Wannabee Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear that your dad is in good spirits. A lot of people too easily dismiss how much of a positive impact a merry heart can have on the mind and body. We'll be praying that the radiation is effective and that he tolerates everything well.
  15. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    I'll ditto that. My thoughts go to you even from a laptop, even from a city at the other side of the earth, even from someone who doesn't know you. Chin up sweetie!
  16. Spitfire

    Spitfire Well-Known Member

    And likewise!
  17. Spitfire

    Spitfire Well-Known Member

    I do have a concern about my mother. Lately she has been forgetful and though it is all minor less important stuff is is more frequent, for example she called yesterday to let me know my sister will be in town this week and this morning she could not remember for sure about that and I had to remind her that just yesterday she called to inform me. She is 80 years old, will be 81 in March. I know that it is normal as one ages to have memory loss, but it does worry me. Could this be a sign of Dementia?
  18. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    It could be a sign of dementia or Alzheimer's... or it could just be a sign that she's an old lady. :lol: (My Mom turned 81 in February.)


    I have a GF who is a health care professional for elders and who has a Mom with early onset Alzheimer's. She refused to diagnose her own Mom, even though she'd seen it a thousand times. My GF insisted on taking her Mom to a neurologist to find out what is really going on. Could be anything. It's probably nothing, but it's worth checking out, to be sure, IMHO.


    ETA: Good luck. And oh, btw, my Mom has been forgetting she told me stuff and re-telling stories for two decades, with no sign of dementia otherwise. She just likes re-telling stories. :wink: :lol: Don't borrow trouble. As the Good Book says, "Sufficient unto each day is its own badness." Today's worry is enough.
  19. chomsky

    chomsky Well-Known Member

    So nice words pygmalion, so nice words...I'm no dementia expert, I just happen to live with it day in day out the last few years. It's only normal for people to forget. It can be a sign of stress for an upcoming exam be it medical or school or otherwise. It's only natural to be forgetful when you are upset or depressed or whatever. It can happen to everyone. Still a very easy way to check whether someone is likely to have Alzheimer's disease is a short term memory test. Once again, I'm no expert, it's not as if I'm giving you any expert advice, it's I want to share my own experience with you. Just think of four words. Let's say cat book dog kitchen. Then ask your mother to start counting down from a hundred, each time reducing it let's say by 5, i.e. 100 95 90 85 80 etc. And then all of a sudden ask her to tell you what the four words actually were...If she cannot remember all of them cat book dog kitchen you might need to worry. I'm no doctor, I just keep asking my other family members to do this test because as my mother got older she started worrying too. It seems it's just her depression like everyone else's that makes her so absent-minded. In any case, do take her to a doctor. There are many things you could try to stop Alzheimer's disease and it's worth it. It gives you quality time with your beloved one; it's worth every bit of trying!!!I thank God my second mother asked me to take her to the pathologist for a back pain she had; that lovely doctor asked me to take her to a dementia expert. It's now been years and years and I'm so happy she was diagnosed and was treated. I'm so happy that doctor came in our way. You do the same to make sure everything is okay with your mummy Spitfire!!!
  20. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    stress and grief both mimick demetia

    and there are many types of dementia; alzhiemers, organic brain disiease, tia /stroke related dementia, alcohol related, etc...most elderly people will suffer varying degrees of some sort...

    alzhiemers however, has a fairly predictable stage progression(can't remember the number of stages, think it could be as many as 12)...though the pace can vary with early onset usually being the fastest...

    beginning stages include short term memory loss, mid-term includes paranoia, aggitation and hostility and delusions, then bladder and ultimately bowel incontinence and also an inability to remember how to feed slef and even (very end) how to breathe....it is important not to argue with an alzhimers patient but to either re-direct them or to play them out of wherever they are...they also do well with songs, long-term memory, and tactile stimulation

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