Life is Hard Thread

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by TinyDancer109, Dec 6, 2010.

  1. stash

    stash Well-Known Member

    Parents are talking about putting down our cat as they don't feel like they can control his going outside habit. If fiance's apartment wasn't such a huge downgrade in terms of space, I would just take him and take care of him myself, as I have much more control over him. The decision isn't going to be decided super soon so I think I have time to think of something, but yeah... It makes me so upset to hear them just give up.
  2. Loki

    Loki Well-Known Member

    I've never understood the concept of "mercy killing" although I'm told over and over that animals don't express chronic pain or whatever. Sucks.
  3. stash

    stash Well-Known Member

    I don't understand it either. I understand they are worried about him infecting the other outdoor cats in the area (though clearly there is another FIV positive cat other there for him to have gotten infected), but I feel like it's cruel to put him to sleep over that...
  4. mindputtee

    mindputtee Well-Known Member

    We had to put down my (well, was our family dog, sister took it when she moved out) dog just a couple months ago and my sister made a list (before she got too bad) of things that if she started doing (or stopped doing, as the case may be) all of them, then they would put her down. Took a little bit of the emotional part out of it.
  5. mindputtee

    mindputtee Well-Known Member

    We had to put down my (well, was our family dog, sister took it when she moved out) dog just a couple months ago and my sister made a list (before she got too bad) of things that if she started doing (or stopped doing, as the case may be) all of them, then they would put her down. Took a little bit of the emotional part out of the decision.
  6. nikkitta

    nikkitta Well-Known Member

    Yes, the "QOL" list (Quality of Life).
  7. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    ff and loki....my sympathies on both of these things...not good
  8. dancelvr

    dancelvr Well-Known Member

    Wow....I know these feelings in spades. It's never easy to know when it's time to let go of a furry friend. But, it's all about quality of life, to me. I look at it as releasing my companion from pain, and taking it on myself. Better I hurt than him/her. My thoughts go out to anyone who has reached the time for such a decision. It IS an act of love to take away the pain. It may not feel like it at the time, but it is. *hugs*
    j_alexandra and fascination like this.
  9. Hedwaite

    Hedwaite Well-Known Member

    I dread making the decision, because it's so final. You can't undo that... but on the other hand, you can't undo an extended period of suffering, either, so... ugh. hate it.
  10. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    it is hard with pets....the people in your life can say "this isn't living, the pain is unbearable, I know I am not going to get better so I don't want heroic measures"...your pet can't say that...but, IMO when the vet says your pet isn't going to recover and you see that it cannot do much and you sense that it is probably in pain, then the bigger issue is really getting yourself ready for the parting....and sometimes that takes longer than it should ....but we can only make the best decision that we can in that moment....
  11. dancelvr

    dancelvr Well-Known Member

    This situation is always helped by having a vet who takes every measure possible before making the final recommendation. I've lost 3 pets in the last several years, and I've always felt sure we'd done everything possible before coming to the fatal conclusion. It's heartbreaking, for sure. I still mourn all three of my departed friends. But, this is what we must accept if we chose to share our lives with animals. There will be joy....and there will be pain.
    llamasarefuzzy likes this.
  12. Cal

    Cal Active Member

    I just learned that a co-worker, pregnant with her first child, lost her baby. A stillbirth, five weeks before the due date. I cannot imagine the pain that she and her family are suffering. We were planning a baby shower for her at the office, and now we're trying to figure out the best way to convert the funds towards a memorial instead. Some are thinking of a memorial tree, others are thinking of commissioning a piece of art or jewelry, others are suggesting restuarant gift certificates for meals. One very compassionate soul is thinking of offering to help the family return baby gifts, if that's what the parents wish to do, so that the parents don't have to make a sad and agonizing journey from store to store themselves. It's so, so hard to know what to do or say.
  13. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    let me offer some thoughts as a bereaved parent and as a grief counselor....

    1) don't begin any sentence with "well, at least....." (you can have another, bla bla bla) all statements that sound like that, while they might be true, tend to invalidate the current pain
    2) most grieving parents are not consoled by having "angels in heaven" but if they are, let them offer that on their own
    3) usually the grief is worse about a month or two later when everyone has sent their card and moved on...so be available then
    4) let the parents decide what to do with their babies' things in their time...I would not offer the return things unless they need the cash...letting go is part of the process
    5)speak of the baby my name if you know it...if I was buy a bereaved mom a gift, I would buy a journal, and some hot chocolate/tea, maybe a scrap book for things like the foot prints and a photo if she got one, maybe some bath salts and a massage or a piece of jewelry in the birthstone that would have been the babies' or a memory box in which to put things...I might also make a donation to a children's charity in the babies' name...and/or a candle
    6) don't say "I know how you feel" and don't stay away...own your discomfort...tell her you have no idea how to help her but that you are willing to listen if she wants to talk or willing to not talk about it on days when she needs to just do her job....
    7) the major infant lost support groups are: SHARE and Compassionate Friends...the big publisher in infant loss is Centering Corporation....
    8) planting a tree is great but take care to buy something that is not likely to die
    9) buy her something pretty, make sure she knows that she did a good job and that the pain is because of how much she loved her baby...she may feel as though she has failed...she may have irrational guilt, she may have anger, she may deny all of it....everyone copes with loss differently....contact a grief counselor if you have questions...don't presume she is doing something unhealthy
    10) she will experience weird things and wonder if she is okay....
    11) don't forget that her husband is grieving as well and understand that he will likely be doing it differently and that this may cause marital stress
    12) just make yourself available often over several months...even if they don't take you up on it, no one wants to think that their baby is forgotten...as people think babies are replaceable....
    llamasarefuzzy and Sania like this.
  14. Hedwaite

    Hedwaite Well-Known Member

    Along with number two, sometimes "Well, god has a plan," can come off as so very... wrong.

    Have they considered donating already-received gifts to a charity? Here, we have a women's shelter and some family planning offices that often need things like that. Maybe that would help pay the kindness forward some.
    fascination likes this.
  15. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    right...my only point on that is that determing that...keeping the stuff for the future hoped for baby, giving it away in time, etc....is work that they actually need to do.....sigh
  16. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    on God and plans...one of the best services I went to was more along the lines of "God didn't plan this" ...(presuming a particular faith denomination)the pastor went on to say that it would always be God's will that parents should watch their children grow and that the great paradox was that now their child would be holding them in it's heart and watching them grow instead...not perfect and I don't want to open a theological debate, but it was a nice alternative for this particular couple who didn't derive benefit from the former platitude....in truth, it is a thing for individuals to wrestle with on thier own and to only share what has worked for them, knowing fully well that we will not all come to aceptance in the same way, if at all
  17. Cal

    Cal Active Member

    Great reminders - thanks. I hadn't been aware of SHARE, Compassionate Friends and Centering Corporation, so I'll be taking a look at those materials.
  18. snapdancer

    snapdancer Active Member

    Fascination said
    My sister went through something similar, though her's was an ectopic pregnancy (if I understood correctly). I just gave her simple condolences and acknowledgment of her grief. She said she appreciated that more than other women who tried to offer other reasoning, difficulty of having children, etc. In my sister's case, it was somewhat worse because it was her second (and therefore last possible) one.
  19. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    yep...each case has its own unique difficulties ...each person measures "worse" differently.....that is why listening is so much better than the folly of trying to make it better....and why it is always best from the outset to just ask for forgiveness if you inadvertantly say something insensitive and to acknowlege one's own sense of helplessness...
  20. Hedwaite

    Hedwaite Well-Known Member

    I really need my upcoming field-trip. I need four hours of travel-time between myself and this crap I'm dealing with regarding the family parasite black hole sheep, and I want to enjoy dancing someplace different and not here.

    "Randy, don't let me start drinkin' again, bud."
    cornutt likes this.

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