Matters of the heart

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by Shooshoo, May 15, 2006.

  1. cl5814

    cl5814 New Member

    Wise words.

    What to do in the situation where one person made a firm decision to not go forward, but the other party is still clinging onto "something" ?? One person is ice-freezing cold, the other fiery warm. So, once a decision has been made by either party; respect it.
     
  2. ssjss

    ssjss New Member

    Thanks Shooshoo for posting the response from the children. It shows that innocence can still be stronger than experience at times. The same goes for Love. I can't begin to try to explain it, but I shure do like it when it comes around. I just try not to hold on to tightly, but still feed the little monster.
     
  3. cl5814

    cl5814 New Member

    The other person's well-being. Putting somebody else's well-being above yourself. Strong, but interesting statements. Let me explain...

    Do you _really_ understand the other person's needs and wants ? Or do you try and unconsciously/consciously (don't know ??) force _your_ needs and wants onto the other person _thinking_ it is what the other person wants ? I have seen this situation, when soon after you meet someone, you start getting requests to alter something physical about you (hair color, hair length, style; clothes; shoes and then you start forcing the person to not go to place X but go to place Y for coffee/dinner/lunch; organizing that the other person be layed off by his/her boss so that the other person doesn't have to work; suggesting/asking/demanding the other person move to state E. I am not exaggerating, i have seen it happen. Is this putting the other person's well-being first or your well-being ? ( I smell something, and you the reader ??)

    Normal requests that may start small, but grow in demand; all supposedly in the name of "the other person's well-being". So, is this _trying_ to put someone else's well-being above yourself as seen from _your_ perspective or what you _think_ the other person would view as caring and loving ? Or maybe really what the other person wants and needs....... (if so, then congratulations!) A very fine line in my opinion.......

    In conclusion, make sure that you are familiar with the other person's wants and needs before acting.
     
  4. cl5814

    cl5814 New Member

    In one case, i know of, a loooooong time. more than 3 years, actually. I won't say "giving love" but "giving something, though it be rejected". Does it take that long to get the message ?
     
  5. cl5814

    cl5814 New Member

    I agree with the understanding part. It is all about understanding the person. Yet, it goes deeper than just giving someone something. It is that look that speaks a thousand words......knowing almost exactly what that person thinks; say both are looking at the latest fashion in window display. Knowing that if husband and wife would get separated (in 2 diff cars) on the highway; they'll know what the other person is likely to do. Stop and wait in the emergency lane; take the next exit and wait; just meet at destination (given both know where it is). No cell phone call needed. That i think is understanding.....
     
  6. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    That's the hardest thing to do though. I know for I was there this past year. It was like my x was ice cold, and I was still clinging. You would think that we both would respect the other, but that's not what happened. In fact, we had a really bad ending. We didn't even have a closure as to which I really wish one would take place, but it's not going to happen. And maybe I wouldn't have clung so much though if we had a good ending. One where he was truthfully honest with me instead of just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear that type of thing, because that only makes me mad. I'm like be honest with me. I deserve that much.
     
  7. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    Yeah, this I agree with. My x and I fought at the end. And one of the things that I had mentioned was how well we knew each other. He knew where I would fail, and it was like he wanted me to fail at that point. I was deeply hurt. But to this day, I know exactly how he does things and what's really going on in his mind more than anyone else even though everyone thinks he's so great just cause he's a good actor and can fool people lol. But I know. And I know what his intentions are when he does things just like how he knows me. But that's when the trouble starts sometimes though. I think that if you know the other person to well, then you can play on their downside and use that against him like what he did with me even though I think that's wrong. But to me it's like this only happens when one person isn't really in love with the other like how he wasn't in love with me (even though he said so doesn't make it true).
     
  8. hello

    hello New Member


    I think I understand what you are saying. Love takes different forms. There is love that is reciprocated, and love that isn't. To be in a healthy lasting real relationship, I believe the love is reciprocated. But life isn't always so kind or simple. I've loved twice without receiving it in return. That's when I know it's time to move on, but it was nevertheless love for me.
     
  9. hello

    hello New Member


    That's why my initial post stated actions that are not debilitating, destructive, etc. I only speak of this in hindsight. I knew it was real love because the person grew, became a better person, wanted to become a better person. Their family said he was a better person because of me. That is the way I knew my presence was positive.

    Funny the scenarios you mentioned, changing someone's hair color, clothes, etc. If you actually met me, and knew me better, you'd realize I'm the antithesis of this kind of behavior. I don't care what people wear or look like. I never try to change people. People are who they are and I accept everyone the way they are.

    The kind of change I'm talking about is encouraging your love to go for that promotion or travel somewhere they've always wanted to go, or start a volunteer project. Do something he/she maybe hesistated at first and just needed that extra encouragement and support. Fulfilling his/her dreams.

    Your words are wise though, it's a very fine line to walk, but if one can, it's pure magic.
     
  10. terremoto

    terremoto New Member

    I guess the question becomes - what is falling in love? Is it simply the euphoric feelings that you get when you are around this person or when you think of this person? If so, then yes, I would say this is a biological trick to get us to reproduce. But is love something more? Is love more about connecting with that person and creating something else. What I mean by this is, in a loving relationship you have you, the other person, (maybe a third person if you are really kinky - just kidding) and then you have the relationship. The relationship is what binds the two of you - in that sense - it is more than just a euphoric feeling. Its a seperate bond that develops over time.

    As for experiences with not wanting someone that you at one time wanted - I have had that same experience. I actually met this lady when I was like 17 years old - we kept running into eachother and there was definately a strong connection between the two of us - but everytime we saw eachother one of us was dating someone else. And then ten years later - wallah, we were both single - went on a date and i was so excited! Finally!!! But then about mid way through the date, I wanted the date to end. The feelings I had for her, the attraction - gone. Not because of something she said or did, but they were just gone. Poof - vanished! For whatever reason people change and our desires change. This is probably pretty normal.
     
  11. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    This is one with a borken heart:rolleyes: .
     
  12. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    I understand love quite well in my relationships with family, friends, but I have a difficulty in understanding it with men. It seems more simple.
     
  13. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    I think this differs from one individual to another.
     
  14. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    I agree with you Spratt74, I believe honesty is the best even if it hurts. It's easier to deal with the consquences. But this is one of the bad approaches many men use. They don't like confrontation.
     
  15. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    that's exlpains something simply. I don't want to get into understanding why one falls for one and not the other. Better left as is.


    This is one point I think of that many times it was maybe just attraction and being built in the mind, but then it goes 'poff'.
    I guess that's a good reason to help one accept that if something does work out or the feeling is not mutual. Maybe the feeling was all an illusion.
     
  16. DancePoet

    DancePoet New Member

    Well, it's really just bio-chemistry kicking into action. It's real. And if you are measuring relationship potential purely on bio-chem, likely not a good idea. Make choices about what you want in a relationship and then you can go find it. You can choose, and hopefully you can find someone as equally commited as you. It's not easy, but it can happen. :cool:
     
  17. DancePoet

    DancePoet New Member

    Ah! Now here is the shameless plug I was expecting on the other thread. ;) :lol:
     
  18. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    :kissme:
     
  19. DancePoet

    DancePoet New Member

    Found another and was going to get married??? Wow.

    You have the right idea. You maybe taking a risk when you tell someone how you feel, yet honesty really can be very important to the long term health of a relationship. If the other person can't accept the truth, then they are likely not going to make a super match for you. Just don't forget to analyze your feelings before spouting off too much. ;)

    Take your time. Love yourself first, and in the way you want to be loved. You'll be ok. You have a strong positive attitude, and with a bit of confidence and believing in yourself, you can have much joy. :cool:
     
  20. DancePoet

    DancePoet New Member

    Nope, just being realistic. :cool:
     

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