I love followers like you. I make every effort to dance with anyone who is trying to follow. Once in a while I'll throw out something more complex, but if it does not go as planned I will laugh and declare that I need to work on that move some more, and we will get it next time. I think I'll go on more of the ballroom crowd days... Maybe I'll find better company there. The funny thing is that one of my friends just asked what should she do if she is confused by two guys. I almost told her to ignore them both and come dance with me . I told her to not make a decision, just tell the guys to work it out among themselves. She then went into what happens when the guy reserves a dance, but goes for someone else when the song is up... Etc... I think I have found a new social partner.
Indiana Jay - I can't possibly take any credit for your inspirational take on my comment. It did bring tears to my eyes to see someone so incredibly gracious, however - and if we are ever at the same ballroom venue, I would LOVE to have a dance or two (or ten) with you. As to the original issue, is some of the misunderstanding going on in this thread because Dance Monkey wanted merely to vent and not to "solve" the problem? (I.e., that whole "I need you to listen" vs "I need you to fix" dichotomy?) Not trying to dredge anything back up, just wondering if that might be at the root of some of the dischord...but regardless, Dance Monkey, I'm glad you've found a new partner, I hope things go well with her.
I recall a situation once where an old known sort of creeper had plopped down next to me and was talking to me after several dances with me, making it difficult for me to look available to other leads, but one whom I knew was there (from my studio whom I like to dance with) I think saw my plight and came up and held out his hand to me to dance. As soon as the guy sitting next to me saw this invitation coming, he hurriedly turned toward me and said, "Do you want to dance?" But I was already halfway out of my chair to go dance with the other lead. Technically, he "asked" me first verbally, but the other had invited me onto the floor first. Since I did not dance with the one who had been sitting next to me, after that dance he came up to me furious and told me that he was done with this nonsense and that although really enjoys dancing with me I'd have to do the asking if I wanted to dance with him from now on. Frankly, I was relieved. I never really wanted to dance with him ever, but my general policy is not to refuse a dance unless I have a really serious reason. So...while I guess I could see why he was upset, I still think that my acceptance of what I perceived as the first invitation was fine...even though he was upset because he had actually done the "asking" first. Sometimes it can be confusing as a follow, and sometimes, it gets to the point where you almost have to be rude to get the point across that you don't want to dance with a possessive lead. Then, there have been times when my partner has asked me to dance a particular dance, and as we are waiting for the music to cue up on the side of the floor, another lead comes over and asks me. And then before I can respond my partner tells me to go ahead and dance with the other guy since we dance a lot...sigh. Still, as a follow, I can't really complain about getting asked to dance. I just really enjoy dancing with DP.
Yes. I agree, Andreth. It can be confusing, when you're on the receiving end of dance invitations. Timing is everything. Sounds like you have a very gracious DP, btw. :-D Honestly, reading through this thread has been very painful to me. I think that all the etiquette around asking for and accepting or rejecting dances is really ambiguous, a lot of the time, so it's a universal dance dilemma (I guess that's the right word.) OTOH, I feel that making a list of people I'll never dance with again is a slippery slope. If my list has one or two people on it, well, okay. But if my list has five, six, ten or more people, maybe it's time to stop looking at them and start looking at myself. Maybe it's not the rest of the world. Maybe it's me. Put bluntly, the only people I won't dance with are the people who stink badly (Yes. I dance with the mildly stinky. :lol: ) and the people who physically hurt me. Stinky and dangerous are about them. When I start making a blacklist of every potential dance partner who has slighted me in one way or another, that's about me. My $0.02.
Andreth pointed out part of why I hate reservations. You turn someone down because there's a reservation, but the reserved person gets grabbed by someone, then you're stuck sitting, and you look like a liar because you've said, "Sorry, I promised to someone else, later though?" Then you're sitting, so if the asker pays attention, you've "lied." And probably just been added to their list. I prefer a, "Try to get me later for a [insert dance here]?" Dancing is more fun if you just get over yourself. (Said as someone that's learned that from experience not being over myself.)
Yepper. There's a reason why, in the old days, people had dance cards. It wasn't about reservations. It was about documented proof that you weren't lying. :wink: Just kidding, wooh! But you are right. It's weird. It's weird-ER if you're thin skinned and looking to take offense. Just sayin.
This thread reminds me of a story I read about a professional choir in which all of the women carried a flower to every performance. The women who were menstruating carried a red flower. All the other women white. The choir director knew not to push the red-flowered women to the limits. (Stay with me. This is actually on topic. *grin*) Wouldn't it be nice if there was a subtle way to signal other dancers that you were not ready/able to dance? That would definitely minimize dance-asking angst.
Do-not-dance lists change with time. Things may improve with that person whether it's skill, hygiene or attitude and they come off that list. I know what it's like to be on that list. But, over time, people forget why they ever put me there.
Let me get my phone out and preview the list of available followers and select from a list of names who are ready for the next dance. The other person will be informed that you're the person and both are shown a photograph of their next partner. The follower can push the accept or reject button and the leader can receive confirmation before he has to show his face.
One of the young men who frequents the studio I attend simply asks "if you're not busy would you mind saving a dance for me later?" and if by some chance we miss each other that night (he's often in crazy high demand), we laugh and agree to give each other the first dance next time around. It's nice because there's no hurt feelings if one of us ditzes off...
There's a young woman at one of the venues I frequent who has a bad body odor problem. She loves to dance with me. If I don't ask her, she'll ask me. If she's there, I try to make her one of my first invitations, both to "get it over with" and because she smells less bad at the beginning of the evening. I just don't have the heart to reject her.
Between vet bills, Blackmore's Night CDs and a new guitar, who has money for shirts? It's getting warmer, annyway. Not sure I understand 'cornered'. I'm guessing this refers to ladies with an overabundance of social graces at 'dance socials', yes? Once again. night club experience can come to the rescue. No one ever feels 'cornered' at a night club......
I'll confess that I sometimes pull my phone out and start fiddling with it, not because I actually have texts I need to check or anything, but in an effort to send out not-so-subtle "I'm looking to sit this one out, thanks" signals. I felt bad when I saw "people who use their cell phones at dances" listed on one of the "things that drive you crazy at dances" threads. It's wimpy of me, but my intentions are more or less good.
Sidenote: Amusing to see single leads swoop down on DW as soon as I leave her side. 'S ok though - gives me a chance to peruse the SYTs. LOL!
As a lady working on leading skills, I do the same thing on dances where I want to lead. I realize that women would rather dance with a gentleman lead than a lady lead, so I generally wait to see who is left. Of course, if someone asks me to follow before I make my pick, I end up following (e.g. I would not turn down the invitation). Agreed. There is only one person on my blacklist that I work very hard to avoid, and that is largely a hygiene problem (along with some yanking and attitude mixed in). FWIW, OP, I rarely witness the behavior you described, and the only scenario where I can envision myself doing something like that is if I had specifically promised a dance to a gentleman and he was the person “stealing” me. Fortunately, this hardly ever happens. And yes, it would be nice to have a clear signal of “unavailable”, like the red/green cards they do at Brazilian barbeque restaurants. If I don’t want to dance, I generally try to stay moving like I’m headed somewhere, even if I’m not (e.g. discourages people from chasing me) or move into the kitchen/food area and peruse or partake of the offerings. Also, on a sidenote to my fellow follows: if you’re not able to dance due to injury or some other reason, don’t spend an eternity going on and on about it to the gentleman (or me if I’m leading) that you are turning down… make it short and sweet to give the lead a chance to move on and find another follow before the dance is over.
I'm glad to see the posters giving feedback about their own experiences and etiquette. For awhile there it seemed like there were a few attacks at OP, and OP had to "defend" his position.
