Minor rant: dance loyalty

Discussion in 'Ballroom Dance' started by Dance Monkey, Mar 18, 2012.

  1. Dance Monkey

    Dance Monkey New Member

    Thanks debmc for the suggestion.
  2. mjnemeth

    mjnemeth Member

    Still there is the issue of courtsey. If its a "rescue" dance a little white
    lie of "oh sorry I promised this dance" would be nice. Also if the follower is being dragged away , a quick smile
    and maybe a sorry might be good too. Of course what is wrong with saying "NO thank you" to the dragger!
  3. This happened to me a few times too and my attitude with regard to whether or not to dance with her in the future has become -- I am turned off by people who don't have the same values as I do (if that's what Dance Monkey meant by "Standards") and therefore I don't really care to associate with them again. I'm a hand shake type of guy. When I give you my word, you can take that to the bank. That's not comparable to holding a grudge is it?
  4. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    I find that standards are something I hold myself to, not other people. With other people, as I get to know them, and learn what to expect, I work with that. I don't shut people out because they are unwilling or unable to stick to *my* standards.
    dbk and Gorme like this.
  5. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    meh...fair enough...but sometimes I do hold people to my standard...not in a rude way that imposes my standard on them...but, if it is clear to me that someone else operates by a completely different definition of acceptable, I have the choice to focus my attention elsewhere with no offense intended ...just a quiet movement away from that which I don't want
    GGinrhinestones and j_alexandra like this.
  6. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    MAX

    had a very similar experience at a salsa club in LA well know for top level dancers

    went to LA for business took some lessons with josie neglia ( my salsa coach when i did a lot of it) asked her to come to the restaurant after her lessons were done

    went to the restaurant music in full swing live band fantastic asked a really great dancer ( and super hottie to boot) to dance she flat out said no ( im white btw and yes it matters in this club/venue)

    waited.. asked a not as attractive and less experienced girl we had a great dance and the other lady noticed asked a few more girls and just as the first girl came over to talk to me Josie arrived... danced with josie never danced with that other girl

    fast forward 4 month back in LA for a meeting go to the restaurant... first girl i ask is her and she says " i remember you.. josies "guy" huh" yep and we danced long and often that night

    dance well be nice and you will dance often.. lead or follow
    :)
  7. Personally I find to brush someone off to dance with someone else you'd rather dance with is just disrespectful. I'm sure mistakes happen and there can be awkward situations where more than one person asks you at once but there are polite ways to resolve things.
    At socials there are always people I'd prefer to dance with over others but everyone there has a right to dance and enjoy themselves and I wouldnt dream of asking someone to rescue me from certain people or walking off with someone else when I've been asked to dance.
    I would make sure you're being clear enough when you're asking someone to dance but I'm not sure there's that much room for misinterpretation when someone approaches you at a social dance if I'm honest.
    Mr 4 styles likes this.
  8. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    agree....my comments, at least, are more about once something clearly unfortunate has gone down....as a regular rule, I do not turn anyone down at a social ....having danced 8 years there are only 2 men that I take pains to avoid but would dance with if asked.... and only one, who drunkenly verbally attacked me, with whom I would decline with an expressly pointed reason as to why...though I doubt he would ask
  9. Oh it definitely cuts both ways - if someone is disrespectful or abusive or there's a negative history that's a whole different matter. You should always dance with respect for your lady :).

    There are a couple I politely decline dances from ahead of a competition as they are a little on the dangerous side and I dont want to risk injury but I always give a reason or ask them for a different dance, say a waltz not a quickstep.
  10. I don't think so much about purposefully shutting people out as it is about wanting to be around or associating with people who share or have similar values as you. It's about the laws of attraction, "like attracts like". I consider myself an honest person with integrity and when I commit myself to doing something, I do it even if something else came up that may inconvenience it a little. For example, when I asked a lady to dance and she accepted, I will try my best to have a good and ensure that she has a good time too even if she turned out to be a horrific dancer with no balance. I don't just walk off on her. And I like to be around people like that.
  11. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    I missed this thread last year. I'm curious as to how the OP is getting on now, and if it's continued to happen!

    I can't imagine doing something like this myself, although I've some horrifically rude ladies..like one accepting an invitation to dance, and then when the man told her he was a beginner and to be patient with her, she said "never mind" and sat down again. I was appalled. One time, someone asked me to dance, a man I dance with often. It was an ECS and I was tired, so I politely declined. A minute later, another man asked me if I did ECS. Being a little bit stupid, I said yes, not making the connection that he was asking me to dance. I finally made the connection when he led me on the floor, so I was committed. I felt terrible, but I apologized to my friend afterward and told him it was a mistake and he forgave me.

    I did have something pretty rude happen to me a year or so ago. I was at a tango dance, where it is expected that you dance three songs in a row (a "tanda"). This man had danced with me some months before (he was from out of town) and seemed to enjoy it. On this occasion, he asked me to dance on the third song of the tanda, which is a little rude, but if you continue on into the next tanda, the rudeness is forgiven. So when the song ended, I raised my eyebrows as if to ask if he wanted to continue. He said he needed a break, so I graciously thanked him and sat down, slightly peeved. When he stepped onto the floor with another lady about 10 seconds later, I was super peeved and didn't acknowledge him the rest of the night. I refused to look at him the next time he showed up, and at the end of the evening he expressed regret that we didn't get a dance, and perhaps next time he was in town. I smiled politely and thought, "Then you shouldn't have dissed me!" I figure he's been punished enough now and will accept if he asks me again, but I was really miffed for a while.
  12. debmc

    debmc Well-Known Member

    I think the whole thing is silly because we were all beginners once. There was a time when we were all the awkward beginners who felt self conscious at a social and it behooves everyone to remember that. I still remember after taking a handful of salsa lessons a few years ago I went out to a club and an advanced salsa dancer asked me to dance. After we got started it became apparent that I was a beginner and just knew the basics.. and he actually stopped mid dance and did not want to continue. Really? He couldn't just do the basics for a 2 minute song and then move on? I would never dream of abandoning someone on the dance floor. Some people just get their ego caught up in their dancing and forget what they were like when they were just starting.
    GGinrhinestones likes this.
  13. SwayWithMe

    SwayWithMe Active Member

    Exactly! I've only been dancing for two years. The beginners are intimidated, which makes me sad. I ask them, and they'll invariably apologize that they don't know much. My standard response is "That's totally fine; everyone has to start somewhere!" The one that really kills me is the guy who always says "feel free to back lead!" Erm, no...

    I went to my first WCS convention back in November and started every dance with the "I'm a beginner" disclaimer. One high-level competitor was super sweet -- he said "Awesome!" and we had an amazing dance :)
  14. Alice.W

    Alice.W Member

    Once, I made an eye contact with a guy who was on the opposite side of the floor, a good dancer too. He clearly smiled back and headed in my direction for the next dance, but since he was far, another guy appeared out of nowhere and asked me first. So I danced with the one who asked me first, even though I felt like I was "cheating" and should have waited for that guy from the far side of the floor, who never asked me again, btw. My point is you never know what's going on and you shouldn't take it personally.
  15. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    I feel like we are missing some context here. Did you initiate the eye contact? That's what it sounds like. In which case, if I were that first guy, I would feel deceived. First you invite me to dance, and then you dance with someone else before I get there? Yeah, I wouldn't take it personally, but I wouldn't ask you to dance again, either. At worst, you're messing with me, at best you are unreliable.
  16. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    wow...that's pretty harsh...
    debmc likes this.
  17. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    Like I said, I think we are missing context. But I'm just putting myself in the guy's shoes. It's one thing if I invite the lady to dance, and she goes off and dances with someone else. But to invite me, and then go off to to dance with someone else, to me that is pretty harsh.
  18. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    And let's say that stirs up once painful memories of adolescence....
  19. GGinrhinestones

    GGinrhinestones Well-Known Member

    Agreed. A lot of non-verbals get mixed up and misinterpreted in a crowded room, on all sides. On the flip side, I've had partners working their way over to me after a very similar non-verbal "invitation" and get thoroughly sidetracked, sometimes by another partner. What happens? Shrug it off, and wait for the next dance. I certainly don't write off the partner for all time as "unreliable." Stuff happens.
    debmc likes this.
  20. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    well...with nothing more than eye contact and a nod...and someone else intervening, I would hope that it would be a pardonable offense...but I get that we all have histories (as an aside, when I was reading the why do dancers smoke thread, there was a comment there that you found harsh that didn't read as being harsh at all, imv, so I get that there are many ways to perceive it)

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