Minor rant: dance loyalty

Discussion in 'Ballroom Dance' started by Dance Monkey, Mar 18, 2012.

  1. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    I didn't hear any mention of Alice W. taking a moment to find the first guy, apologize, explain the situation, etc. Doesn't sound like they have any past history either, to make a moment like that an anomaly in an otherwise agreeable acquaintance.
    There was a lady that ended up on my do-not-ask list for a worse behavior. At a later date, she asked me to dance, and thereby removed herself from my do-not-ask list.
    There's a lot of extra ladies where I dance. I don't assume anyone is going to "shrug off" my behavior. And while I won't go home and fume about it, I will focus my attention on others.
  2. dbk

    dbk Well-Known Member

    Seems like everyone is putting themselves through way too much stress for all of this. It's supposed to be fun. Unless someone is clearly trying to insult you, why take offense? Is it so hard to think 'oh well, we'll get another dance,' or even 'oh well, guess I'm not a priority for this person, good thing I barely know them'? Why pin your whole night on whether some stranger made a little faux pas, or an invite went slightly awry?

    For me, a lot of it sounds like insecurity or big egos... or people who enjoy feeling offended...
    wooh and debmc like this.
  3. Steve Pastor

    Steve Pastor Moderator Staff Member

    Oohhh, perfect timing...

    Yes, of course. So, if I don't get to dance to my favorite song for doing whatever because someone agreed to to dance with me by eye contact, and went and danced with someone else beore I got there, and I didn't get to dance...
    Yes, there will be a next time for that song, and others I want to dance to, but I don't it's wise to invest in someone who let me down.
    Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...
    (Note here that I am very familiar with the "eye contact and nod" thing, known as the cabeceo in Argentine Tango circles, so my expectation here might be on the high side.)

    More like, there is now research that shows that being rejected stimulates the same part of the brain as that involved in feeling pain. It's about avoiding being offended or disappointed by not giving someone further opportunity to do so. It is NOT about "punishing," or denying them anything. As many times as I shrugged offf an outright "no," or simply found someone else to dance with, I still hate it.

    ???

    I admit that I struggle with myself over this one. I will share with you that, as a youngster, and a young adult, my insecurities were legion. As I learn more and more about my strengths and weaknesses, the insecure part shrinks. I will also say, though, that I decided long ago, that depending on the onlooker, confidence can easily be seen as a "big ego."

    It kind of amazes me, too, how infrequently (like almost never) people will make an effort to explain a faux pas to someone they might want to keep on their "dance list."
  4. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    Who said anything about a whole night? I think you may be reading more into this than there is. I don't stress over putting someone on my do-not-ask list. I don't think about it after the event. I just don't go back if there are other ladies that have been more consistent in expressing their interest in dancing with me.
  5. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    well...here's the thing, I can see myself making eye contact with someone and hoping and intending to make it across the floor to dance with them, but being intercepted by someone else, feeling as though I had simply accepted a real offer over an intention...I mean, it is difficult when you aren't even near the person you intend to dance with, to turn someone down who is literally right there with their hand held out...I mean, "I was just walking over to ask Bob" is different than "I promised Bob the next dance"...and I can see myself feeling that I needed to accept the literal offer over the "eyes meet from across the room" possibility, and I can see myself hoping that Mr. "eyes meet from across the room" would appreciate the difficulty
    wooh likes this.
  6. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    Like I said, context matters. If this was one anomaly in the midst of many interactions, its weight is much less than if this was the first interaction.
  7. Steve Pastor

    Steve Pastor Moderator Staff Member

    Exactly.
  8. dbk

    dbk Well-Known Member

    You are one of the people who doesn't seem to be stressing :)

    E.g. you said "And while I won't go home and fume about it, I will focus my attention on others."

    The fact that there is sooo much analysis going on tells me people are stressing out way too much, instead of just shrugging it off and finding someone more interested (as you suggest).
  9. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't rely on making eye contact from across the room as something that a follow should understand as an invitation. I've had plenty of times when I was looking around the room, saw someone I might want to ask, and headed her way but someone else got there first. Oh well. Plenty of fish in the sea. If I'm looking around and a woman is trying to catch my attention, and makes it clear that she wants to dance with me, great. But just eye contact -- you never really know if someone is looking at you or at the guy behind you.

    I did have an occasion once where a woman (who had a reputation around the studio for being a princess) caught me as I was headed onto the floor and asked for a dance. Problem is, I was already walking out with a partner, and I told her so. She asked if she could have the next one, and I said sure. Well, after that song was over and I had walked with my previous partner back to the seating area, I went to look for her. Couldn't find her. So I figured she might have needed to go to the bathroom or something. I figured I'd wait near where she was sitting, but when I went over there, someone in the group she was with pointed out onto the floor and told me she had accepted a dance from someone else. Well all righty then. I was pretty miffed because it was one of those nights where we had more men than women, and I had passed up other potential partners to look for her. But when that happens, you have to tell yourself that it's only one dance.
  10. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    This happened to me last week. A guy was walking toward me, making eye contact and smiling that "do you want to dance?" smile. I was sitting with some other ladies, so I wasn't entirely sure he was coming for me, but I thought he was. Another guy walked up next to me and held out his hand in invitation. I said something like, "eurgh..." and looked from him to the approaching guy. First guy still looking at me and smiling the smile and walking toward me. Second guy still holding his hand out. Finally I said to the second guy, "I'm sorry, I think he was already coming to me." and went to dance. Second guy caught me on the next song and all was good. I consider the eye contact and "do you want to dance?" smile an invitation, and if he was first, he wins. But, it's important the loser doesn't feel dissed, because that's not fair to them.
    Gorme, toothlesstiger and latingal like this.
  11. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    This.
    Now, if I were the second guy in this scenario, I would understand and try for another dance later. If twnkltoz had chosen differently, and I were the eye contact guy, I would be fine with the situation if she sought me out after the dance and gave some sort of feeling that she wasn't just blowing me off.
  12. Same here.
  13. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    unless you are at a milonga....​

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