Parenting quandary(s) Need input

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by pygmalion, Dec 21, 2010.

  1. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    Get a google voice account, and use it to make calls. It provides an option to record your calls (legally, it will make both parties aware that the recording is taking place.)
     
  2. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the suggestion. I'll look into it. :)
     
  3. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    DS asked me to let him stay home from school today. He's afraid that his father will come and pull him out of school and that, since there's no restraining order in place, the school will have no choice other than to release him to his Dad.

    TDNWMH.

    I'm letting him stay at home.
     
  4. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    OK, not that I have any experience or leg to stand on here...I know that...but you need a restraining order IMO. Pronto. Or a change to the custody arrangment, or something. Cuz when your son is too scared to go to school...and you've been staying in a hotel room with 911 on speed dial because he's turning up at your house... I'm sorry, but that's just effed up. Not you. The situation. That's, like, neon sign clear that things are not in the "reasonable tension" or even "rational" realm of things.
     
  5. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Both are serious business from a legal perspective and require more than just my say-so that he showed up uninvited once. From what other friends and my social worker sister have told me, I need documentation of a track record of irrational behavior.

    And courts are very hesitant to deny access of a parent to a child, especially in cases like this, where the "problem" parent is already a non-custodial parent living in another state. The EDE's access to DS is already minimal, unless I choose to authorize additional visits.

    So, while my hands are not tied, there's a time window before I'll be able to do anything effective. And since the EDE lives and works in another state, there's a limited amount of time that DS is in danger, at least this time around. Before the next time, I can get the necessary paperwork in place for DS to feel more secure.
     
  6. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    so sad...but perhaps there is a legal distinction between the courts taking away visitation and the courts allowing your child to refuse to go...but it is likely that he will now have to be interviewed....thoroughly in order for the courts to decide that that is something he is able to do...
     
  7. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    There is a distinction between the two. DS can legally request that he be allowed to refuse visits at age fourteen, which will be in June.

    IMV, this is part of the reason why the crazy that happened over the weekend happened. The EDE knows that his time is about up, and he is desperate to get some one on one time to talk with DS. I don't blame him. No one wants to lose access to their only child. OTOH, scary behavior certainly won't help his case one bit.

    The other thing is that he's very, very angry at me. Until recently, I did everything I could to make sure that DS was available to visit his father anytime and all the time, well over and above what is legally required. I literally picked up the phone, called EDE, and handed the phone to DS on days when DS didn't want to talk. I begged, cajoled and sometimes mildly coerced DS to interact with his father. I went way over and above, with the belief that access to his Dad was net good for DS.

    Some recent behaviors have convinced me that the relationship is not net good for DS, so I pulled the plug on the extras. And now EDE is trying to force me to go back to doing the things I used to do as a gift.

    Good luck with that.
     
  8. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    well then...seems like the best thing to do is bolster your security, talk to your attorney, and lay low til june.....

    I am sure the man knows how to send an email...if he really wants to plead his case, or...gasp...apologize...he needn't do it in person
     
  9. ChaChaMama

    ChaChaMama Well-Known Member

    He sounds like an appalling human being, and his behavior sounds emotionally abusive at best...and his behavior seems to be escalating.

    I had a colleague who went through the "child doesn't want to see non-custodial father who lives in another state" part of your situation, but not the stalking part. The father was NOT pleased and was calling repeatedly. The child was going "Oh, God. Oh, God" in his Mom's office at the thought of having to call his dad back. He was obviously not looking forward to the confrontation and the emotional drama. Doesn't mean it was not worth it.

    I would say this kid was a little younger than 14, like perhaps 12 or 13, at the time of this, so I guess MD law might be different.
     
  10. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Update: I had a come-to-Jesus talk with the EDE yesterday, and basically threatened him that, if his behavior doesn't change, I will adhere to the letter of the law when it comes to the custody agreement, which means virtually no access to DS, unless DS chooses to make it so. EDE has made an almost 180 degree about face.

    I hate dealing with bullies.
     
  11. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I sincerely hope so
     
  12. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    At least for the time-being, I'm fairly sure that the behavior will change. I have no doubt that he consulted his lawyer who told him he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
     
  13. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I don't think anyone has posted about this here before. I made a startling discovery about one of my parenting blind spots yesterday. DS has no freaking earthly clue of the logistics of grocery shopping. He knows what he likes to eat, can assemble a decent meal, etc. But he has no clue of what to actually buy to make those things happen.

    When he was little, I didn't take him to the grocery store because it was a hassle. And, when he got bigger, I let him stay at home, stay in the car, or sit at the in-store coffee bar and read or play while waiting for me.

    Now he doesn't have a clue. If I had it to do over, I would definitely take him with me. When I was little, my Mom took me and my twin sis in the store with her every time, even though I'm sure we were a pain. By the time I was DS's age, I could select the necessary items, calculate the price per unit, choose the best value, remember what was needed at home, stick to a grocery list, and clip coupons.

    I have some catching up to do...
     
  14. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    meh...imo, nothing to beat yourself up over P...certain things don't have much consequence over the long haul...
     
  15. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Eh. I will attempt to give the boy some info though.


    But you're right. I know what his college grocery will consist of anyway. Ramen and Coke (a cola, that is.) lol.
     
  16. etp777

    etp777 Active Member

    As long as he learns before he moves out, you've done your job. I wouldn't stress about not doing it before now
     
  17. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    he might surprise you...both of my kids became total foodies on thier own once they moved out...in fact it became a huge budgetary issue for a while...uh helloo eric rapier(sp?) you don't need any @#$#$%truffle oil...get a job
     
  18. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I'll put in another vote for not beating yourself up over it. He is smart, he will learn. I'm not sure my parents took me to the store much, or showed me how to do all that stuff. I'm sure they did sometime, but I don't remember being shown that explicitly. My mom taught me how to bake a little, but cooking wasn't something I really grew up with, despite my dad being a chef. Shrug. (OTOH, I got the basics of table service and catering down pat. LOL.)

    Besides, there's still time for him to learn.
     
  19. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    Yeah, me too. Well, after I moved out plus several years. Heh.
     
  20. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I'm not too worried about it. Just glad to have had my eyes opened. Yesterday, I sent him a few aisles away in the market to buy a bottle of the only bottled marinade I have ever used, and have used hundreds of times. Hundreds. And I told him which flavor to get and which aisle to look in. He came back ten minutes later with the wrong brand and wrong flavor.

    Something needs to be done. It's cool. But something definitely needs to be done.


    ETA: Not suggesting that he won't survive college unless he uses the marinade I use. I just think the boy needs some basic survive-the-grocery-store training.
     

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