Parenting quandary(s) Need input

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by pygmalion, Dec 21, 2010.

  1. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yes to both. :)

    I have a GF at work who demonstrates the second in spades. She has no idea what's important to the team, so she spends enormous amounts of time doing extra stuff that nobody cares about. She's sweet, but it's getting her nowhere.*sigh*
    samina likes this.
  2. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    I def appreciate when my kids or staff go above & beyond, and I express that appreciation. But if I had a parent or boss that did not, I'd weigh the effort against the benefit. Often the effort yields an inherent reward, regardless of appreciation.

    The aesthetic of excellence or elegance takes that kind of "going above what's expected", and it's pretty fab-rewarding...
  3. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    This.
    samina likes this.
  4. bia

    bia Active Member

    The only one of those examples I'd have any trouble with at all is the not-doing-more-when-Mom-is-sick thing, because it shows a lack of consideration. Empathy is important, and especially for healthy relationships with people you're close to. That said, without significant further evidence, I'd assume that it comes just from youthful cluelessness rather than anything more troubling. So it could be helpful to him to have the special circumstances explicitly pointed out to him, with a request for what you'd like him to do outside of his habitual duties because of those circumstances. Eventually, it is to be hoped that he would learn to recognize such things without the explicit guidance. Other than that, though, it seems like he's aware of his responsibilities and performing them reliably, so I see nothing to worry about. I would hope that he does sometimes get absorbed in productive stuff of some description. But as far as obligations that he doesn't enjoy, getting them done and then stopping sounds absolutely fine to me. (And if it's not fine, then a whole lot of us are not fine. But I think we are.)
    Mr 4 styles and pygmalion like this.
  5. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    More context helps. And in those situations, there is nothing wrong with requesting a bit more. I'm not shy about asking my kids "help an old man out and go get blah for me...". If he does the extra as asked, yeah, he's a bit oblivious, but it's benign. If he complains, that's a teaching opportunity.

    As to doing extra for work or school... I think the only way that really works out is if you are doing it to your own standards that happen to exceed what is required. When I have been praised for my work, it is often because my own standards were considerably higher than minimum. There have been a number of times I received awards for work that I felt like was "just doing my job".
  6. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yeah. teaching opportunity. That's what you call it? DS and I had a good long talk last night or the night before (can't remember which) in which we talked about how teams work,in real life, and how people want team mates who pull their own weight all the time, but who are willing to pull more than their weight, when we're down by a point and the game is in overtime. (Aside: Kinda hard, since DS doesn't do or understand team sports, but I said my piece.)

    He's been very attentive ever since. Maybe the fact that I told him he'll never keep a girlfriend if he doesn't learn to be considerate helped him get the point. *grin*
  7. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    If you want to bring in the team sports analogies, haven't you also heard announcers saying that players are trying too hard, and should just focus on their own responsibilities, so that the team performs better?
  8. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member

    Do ya think online video games count as team sports? My son recently dropped out of football after injuring another player during a tackle. He just couldn't get past the fear of it happening again (or to himself perhaps). I noticed he recently started playing online games with several friends. I suppose it takes team skills to navigate the games and at least no one is physically hurt.
  9. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    there is an old saying in grief counseling; women grieve/cope face to face, men grieve shoulder to shoulder, or side by side....

    now, not everyone fits into this stereotype but....the point being that women often de-compress or handle stress by talking about it, while men tend to watch a game together, or lean over a car together or play video games...whatever...I think it is a way that many males de-compress and experience a sense of togetherness that isn't going to happen at starbucks over a latte :)...certainly anything can be taken too far, but I have noticed that it has certainly been how many young males in my life experience a sense of "team"
  10. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    Hmm. In professional sports, maybe, but if players don't cover for each other when there are gaps, the team loses. This goes back to understanding what is helpful "above and beyond" behavior.
  11. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    This also goes to the cultural differences I have been watching. America focuses on the success of the individual. In other cultures, the good of the group is much more important than the needs of the individual. Trying to get that across in the context of family to a child growing up in American culture can be a challenge.
  12. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I have noticed that some of that isn't just the value of "rugged individualism" that is so much a part of Americana, but that it can also be a function of smaller families...from my observations, I have noticed that, often, children from larger families are more likely to have a group mindset, simply because it is more necessary....what it takes to feed 10 people or get ten people out of the door on time is substantially different than what it takes to get two people out of the door or fed....granted, some smaller families have done a good job of retaining a group responsibility mindset (particularly if one of the members came from a larger family tradition)...but it is essential to larger families, unless they have succumbed to chaos

Share This Page