Parenting quandary(s) Need input

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by pygmalion, Dec 21, 2010.

  1. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a fun conversation to have had, wg. Good for you!

    And thanks for the advice on test scores. Problem: DS finds standardized testing very difficult. Does anybody here have either personal experience or experience with their kids' test prep? I'm considering putting DS in a class here -- a local private uni offers classes during the summer and of course there are the usual tutoring services that are offered year round.
     
  2. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Total change of subject on two fronts. Comments welcome, whether you have kids or not.

    1) Girlfriend told me today that she's super excited. Her 21-year-old son has bought a ring for his girlfriend and is planning to get engaged. My reaction? :shock: :evil: :car: Her view? It's perfectly normal for a young man to marry at 22. What think y'all? Just curious.


    2)I run an affinity group at work, and we're thinking of sponsoring a life-skills workshop this coming summer. The original idea was to partner with Big Brothers or the Boys Club and target it at fatherless boys. But it could be targeted at girls or boys. The goal is to find great role models and get them to volunteer to spend a day teaching kids how to change a tire, plunge a toilet, change a light bulb, plan a balanced meal, make breakfast, erect a tent, buy groceries, do laundry, change the oil in their car... etc. Life skjils. All in a fun, mildly competitive, team environment.

    What think y'all?
     
  3. etp777

    etp777 Active Member

    Definitely know a lot of people who I went to school with who were married before we graduated, with good and bad results, but more good than bad.

    I of course was not in that group. :)
     
  4. Lioness

    Lioness Well-Known Member

    1) If he's marrying because he wants to, and not just "Well, we've been together for so long that I feel strange not getting married" then it should be fine.
    My co-worker has been with her BF for about 3 years...if he wants to marry her, I don't want to get involved, but it won't work out. They fight so much, there was an entire 6-month period when they just weren't seeing each other, and she gets drunk and hooks up with other guys.

    But if it's a healthy, stable, loving relationship, then sure. I'd want to live together first to see whether it would work, but sure.

    2) Sounds like a great idea! I'd totally go for it, if I lived in your area.
     
  5. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    no opinion on #2

    on #1 I think it entirely depends upon the two people involved
     
  6. waltzgirl

    waltzgirl New Member

    Meant to respond to this before, but forgot, sorry! I believe that the test prep courses do help. Generally, they teach a lot of test-taking strategies, as well as cover content like vocabulary. The prep and the practice tests should help his confidence, too.
     
  7. waltzgirl

    waltzgirl New Member

    #1 My niece married at 22. So far, so good, three years later.

    #2 Sounds like a great idea! A good target group might be foster kids in their teens. I don't know how it is in Texas, but here they get cut loose from the system at 18, ready or not.
     
  8. etp777

    etp777 Active Member

    oh, time, good addition there waltzgirl.

    FWIW, couples I'm talking about graduated in 2003 with me. so ~8yrs or more for all of them
     
  9. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I find it hard to wrap my mind around getting married before you're grown. I know who I was at 22 and who I was at 30. Two completely different people.

    My parents married at 17 (Mom) and 25 (Dad) and have been married forever. But their generation was of the til death do us part mindset. How in the world could kids today hope to make it, in the midst of a disposable marriage culture? Eh.
     
  10. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    dh and I were married at 20 and 23...while I don't reccommend it, and I certainly didn't know who I was, I knew enough. I can honestly look back on it now and say that it was good judgement, he did have the critical elements to balance my personality, we do have entirely the same goals and values and political, religious, and cultural commonalities...we are close friends in addition to loving each other...while there have been a few windows in my life when I have had second thoughts and serious struggles, I can happily say that time proved them to be wrong....I also know young people (my daughter for example) who stand a far better likelihood of choosing wisely, than some people my own age....
     
  11. 3wishes

    3wishes Well-Known Member

    Well, on Question #1, I got married at 18 and my husband was 22 (just out of the service). and it was quite the adventure. Then again, almost everyone we knew and people we met were married in their early 20's or living together for a great length of time. I believe it is based on the two people involved in the relationship - engagement can be short lived, longer than expected or not at all - just get married. Then again, we've known young people who waited waited waited and waited even longer, got married and shortly thereafter the big "D" happened. Truly depends on the couple but this does not sound unusual to us. Our son got engaged to his girl at age 22, they had been together for 6 years. After a year of engagement they both realized marriage was not going to go anywhere for both of them and they called it off. There are all kinds of things to a young 20's engagement that is selectively about the two people involved. (-:
     
  12. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    One of the household name tutoring services has an online service that's reasonably priced. I'm going to let (make *grin*) DS try.
     
  13. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    Seems reasonable to me. I was 21, my mom was 19; DH is 3 years older than me, my dad is 3 years older than my mom. I knew DH was The One when I was barely 18 (and he knew at about the same time, so when he was 21)...it was only a matter of waiting until we were finished with school until we got married. When you know, you know.

    I feel like I knew who I was when I was 17/18. Am I a different person now? Absolutely. But that would be true regardless of anything else. You can't put off making a decision that's right because something will change/happen in the future that you won't know how to deal with. You just gotta hope (and work to make sure) you grow together.

    DH's and my school is (or was, at least) known for its "backpack marriages." I know a good number of friends who met their SO there, often during their freshman year, were together for 3-4 years and then got married. It's pretty common. I can think of...five other people who I knew personally/was friends with who fit that bill...and I know there were lots others. Some of use got married very early, some people waited a few more years, some waited quite a long time while living together. Shrug. No patterns have emerged.
     
  14. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    At 17, and at 49, I'd still say it's a crapshoot whether a marriage works out. The advantage of marrying young is that the couple can grow together. You really can't have any illusions if you marry late, and you'd better see your potential spouse's warts clearly, because they ain't gonna change now. Also on the plus side of marrying young, you don't have years of your decisions affecting only yourself.
    On the minus side, just as you can grow together, you can grow apart. Shared culture, and strong cultural and/or religious support of marriage go a long way toward pruning the tree of marriage in a healthy direction.
     
  15. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Y'all may be right.

    That said, if DS even contemplates marriage before age 30, I'm going to ship him off to a monastery/graduate/boarding school in the mountains of Siberia. :shock: :lol: *only partially kidding*



    Y'all are right, though. If I'd married the guy I was dating at 17-18-19, I'd have been happy with him until the day he died (early last year.) He was the one for me. I just wasn't the one for him, because he didn't know that. He thought he wasn't enough for me. Eh. Life sucks.
     
  16. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    Funny... my dad threatened much the same thing. LOL.

    On the flip side, I know now that more is needed for a marriage to work than love. I knew that intellectually before, but I didn't realize how important it was. (Or perhaps I was just blinded by love and willing to rationalize away/sweep under the rug/minimize that which I didn't like.) While I love DH and am reasonably happy with him, I would make different choices if I was getting married now. Less emphasis on love, more on other compatibility.
     
  17. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    frankly, I am glad I cannot make those choices now...as I have shown myself to have absolute crap for taste in terms of those whom I find attractive and those whom I choose to be-friend...I am always much better off when the other person does the initiating....those people are usually people of quality...even understanding why I do that, I still do not trust myself not to do it again...in the past year, I have let people come to me...and I have come up with truly genuine people...when I met dh I knew what made for a good guy...someone truly willing to sit and get to know me...someone who did not need to toot their own horn....someone who never had a bad word for anyone else...I knew those things at 14 and at 20...and they are still the most important things
     
  18. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    There's a really great story my cousin A told at his Mom's (my Aunt J's) funeral. After Aunt J was widowed from a Really Bad Husband with capital letters, she met Mr. So-and-So, who'd come over for breakfast every Saturday.* Auntie J always made him a nice, hot, soul-food breakfast -- fish and grits or sausage and eggs or some such. One Saturday, Mr. So-and-So got an attitude with Auntie J, and demanded that she not only make the breakfast, but fix his plate and serve it to him at the breakfast table. Auntie J didn't miss a beat. She took the plate that she had already been fixing, walked it to the sink, scraped the steaming hot food into the garbage, and invited Mr. So-and-So to the door. He was never seen again. (She was an unemployed widow with a HS education in mid-1960's Deep South with 11 children, and still she knew Mr So-and-So was a losing proposition. Yay Auntie J! )

    Yes. I think that many of us would make different choices as adults than we would have as children. (I am old enough to call 20-year-olds children if I want. *stomping foot* )

    My GF keeps emphasizing that she tells her son, "No matter what happens, if you get married, this is for life." And of course he agrees. I just wonder about the ability of a 19 or 20 or 23 year old to have any concept of what that means.




    * Classic moment = Cousin A realizing, during his Mom's funeral, that Mr. So-and-So had probably been spending Friday nights. Oh my goodness. Very sweet to see him realize that his Mom was a woman, not just a Mom. And quite a tribute to them both. Brought tears to my eyes.
     
  19. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Okay, sage DFers. Another question/quandary.

    DS has, at 13, decided that he doesn't want to see or talk to his father at all. At all, at least for now. His father has, recently, done something that broke the camel's back. I won't get into details, but I will say that it's heinous, that the EDE (expletive deleted ex) did it to me and that DS found out. I didn't tell DS -- struggled long and hard with that decision -- but I didn't tell him. The truth has a nasty way of coming out, though. So it did.

    Now DS hasn't spoken to his father at all for six weeks. When the EDE scheduled a trip here to visit DS this weekend, DS asked to be allowed to spend the weekend at a friend's house. No visit. Then, yesterday, the EDE scheduled a spring break trip with DS to California, and DS said no.


    DS says that he's very angry right now, and that he's afraid he'll say something to his father that he will regret later. He wants time to cool down.

    My take? I should respect the boy's process and give him the time and space to cool down, as much as I can by law, under the custody arrangement that's in place.

    Anybody who's been through this and/or seen something similar unfold, what do you think? Don't worry. Tell me your truth. I have thick skin.

    And, btw, I have already thought through whether I'm just being a vindictive you-know-what. Answer? Probably a little, but overall no. According to the custody arrangement, I have DS for spring break on odd numbered years. So it was very presumptuous and high-handed for the EDE to assume that he could preempt that and, to make it worse, buy a ticket without consulting me or DS.

    Anyway. What think you?
     
  20. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I think that if your son chooses not to go it is fair to inform the ex...but I think that if your son is the one making that choice, then if your ex wants to speak with him about it, at least over the phone, he is going to have to be able to do that...in the form of, " I am upset right now about X and i need some time to cool off "...or whatever..."I have other plans that I was making"....etc....if he dosn't want to reveal what he knows....if the break isn't in the agreement then there reall is no need for more...ex's likely tantrum notwithstanding...and if he probes for why, I would simply inform him that your son will discuss it with him when he is ready....and that you want no part of it....if he insists on pursuing your son about it then I would tell him you will get back to him at a time when your son is ready to do so...then I would chat with the boy about the need to provide his dad with some basic info by such and such a time, and be empathetic but structured in helping him to think about the parameters of what he wants to disclose..."dad, I don't want to fight about this, I am struggling with something and not is good space with you right now...I need you to acept that"...or "look, I just don't want to go...I have other plans with friends"...regardless of divorce, he wouldn't be the first kid to prefer friends over either of his parents at 13...so it sounds infinately plausible....
     

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