Parenting quandary(s) Need input

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by pygmalion, Dec 21, 2010.

  1. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Hmm. You make a good point, fasc. I am allowing DS to use me as a go-between. He's a very mature young man, IMO, and maybe it's time for me to let/require him to discuss his views directly with his father. Just cutting his father off with no explanation is not a good precedent to set. How much DS discloses is up to him. But he's man enough, IMV, to say to his father, "'I don't want to talk to you right now. I'll call you when I'm ready."

    By the custody arrangement, I'm required to "make DS available" for communication. But that's fuzzy. DS isn't four years old anymore. I don't need to call his father or answer DS' phone for him. The boy has his own cell phone, computer, facebook, myspace, text messaging capability, email, etc. His father can contact him, if DS chooses to allow it. I shouldn't be in the middle.
  2. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    now is a good time for him to not be able to shirk on courage ...still bearing in mind that he needs guidance on how to do it...

    guys tend to like to write..it is more controlled...possbily an email to dad..."this spring break isn't going to work for me"...(if he wants to hint about being PO=ed, fine...if he'd rather wait, fine)...but he needs to do the declining on the invite...and whatever reason he cares to live with right now....if your ex cares to decide to attack you or see you as being behind it, refuse to engage..."the boy is big enough to make these decisions on his own, if you are disappointed or concerned about his decision, you can email him or call him directly, please leave me out of this"....as you said, he isn't 4...and these are skills he needs to begin to develop....he will of course naturally want to play this both ways, feel independent and get to do what he wants, but not have to bear the cost...sadly, he is going to have to....as soon the courts won't be able to make him do anything...and soon college and all that is around the corner as leverage will com into play...I'd simply play the role of asking him questions at times when he is not feeling defensive...."have you thought about what you are going to say to your dad?...what are you concerned most about?...might you consider saying this?"...etc....role play...let him pick a path, with eyes wide open...and refuse to let accusations of aiding and abetting be true...doesn't sound like it is going to be pretty..but probably needs to happen...good luck P...I am sure it is stressful and hard...wanting to protect him and yet also needing to change the model for this new developmental phase in his life...sigh
  3. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    If it were me, I would first off exercise all my rights within the settlement. Then, after that, I would sit down with DS, and tell them what I would do if I were in their position, if I had benefit of everything I had learned since I was his age, and why.
  4. Lioness

    Lioness Well-Known Member

    I'm sort of going through this at the moment.

    Through the whole thing (maybe the past year or so?) Mum has refused to get involved...she's not going to make my excuses to dad...if I want to stop seeing him, I have to tell him so, and tell him why. I got off easy in high school, because I could pass it off on his house not being a good study environment. But if I want to continue it, she's gonna make me do it.
    Of course, I hate conflict, which is why it hasn't happened yet.
  5. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yeah. I'm torn between protecting the boy (his dad is an abusive ED) and making him be his own man.
  6. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I think there is a way to do one while making sure that if you have to pull out the can of whoop....then so be it
  7. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    but there is a point in time at which he will have to do it himself...if the road gets too rocky he can still count on you
  8. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I agree that there's a point at which he will do it himself. The only question is whether that time is now. Mature or not, thirteen is young. I don't want to ask him to take on my responsibilities, just his own. I am thinking about this.
  9. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    Yeah. This is good advice. I wish I knew what I'd do, in his place. My Mom and Dad have been more-or-less happily married for more than six decades. I have no clue what I would do if I was struggling with a love/hate relationship with my father. *sigh*
  10. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I hear you...and I am sure you will navigate it just fine in terms or only giving him enough responsibility that he can handle and prepparing him for handling what you do give him...and it is sad that he will have to do it, but because he will have to live with the consequences, the sooner he begins to dip his foot into doing it with training wheels, the more likely that he will transition into being able to do it more firmly and independently when he is on his own...it is hard to have a parent who is a bum...it is hard to be the other parent and walk that line successfully....
  11. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    The EDE decided, for unknown reasons, to just show up in town today despite being told multiple times that he's not welcome. DS and I are at a hotel, waiting him out. The man has lost his balance, to paraphrase DS.

    IMO, he was so used to having me and DS under his absolute control that now, he refuses to acknowledge our collective "no." Scary. But I have the phone in hand and speed dial set to 911.

    Now I have to figure out what's best, custody-wise, and start working with my lawyer to make it happen. *heavy sigh*
  12. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    OMG. Pyg, be careful and take care of yourself and DH.
  13. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    We're fine for the moment. But I do know that the EDE's original plan was to be in town through the holiday weekend until a flight sometime tomorrow. So I'll be on alert at least until then.
  14. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Oh yeah and this answers any question in my mind about whether DS should be asked to confront his father directly. Right now, absolutely not. This man is an abusive bully -- has been to me for years, although he treated DS just fine. I suspect that will change, now that DS has started asserting his own power. There's nothing that a bully hates worse than someone -- anyone -- else having some of the power.
  15. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    well....all bets are off now...absolutely take the loon back to court...there is no need for that ...be safe...
  16. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I'll try.

    What I find a little frightening is that (I'm 90% sure) he showed up at my front door Saturday night. I don't know for sure because, as a woman living more-or-less alone, I don't open my front door after dark unless I expect company. What was he planning? A home invasion?

    I didn't connect the dots until he texted me yesterday that he was less than a mile away and expected to visit. Then he became belligerent when I told him that the answer was still no. I said to him, "Your behavior is not rational and I find the fact that you don't realize that scary. Even if I were inclined to allow you to see DS, I certainly wouldn't under these circumstances."

    Then I threw together an emergency bag for me and DS and got the heck out of dodge.


    I wonder what he hopes to accomplish by this. Surely he knows that using scare tactics dramatically undermines any chances he might have had to reestablish a relationship with his son. The man is, as you so eloquently observe, f, a loon.
  17. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    this is definately a moment when one heads straight to their attorney...at the very least he needs a call from somone other than you to scare HIM a bit...and then a re-incforcement of the specifics of things...particularly now that your son is old enough to have a reasoned opinion and doesn't care to see him at the moment....hopefully he had his tantrum and is on his plan, but still best to eliminate chances for a repeat...um...and consider a security system if you don't already have one
  18. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yes. An attorney visit is definitely on the menu, once we get past the current crisis.

    Things would be infinitely worse if the EDE didn't live 1000 miles away. If he lived nearby, DS would be dealing with his antics every other weekend. So I'm thankful for the little things.
  19. waltzgirl

    waltzgirl New Member

    So sorry you're going through that. Be safe!

    I hope you are keeping his belligerent texts (good idea to only communicate in writing). Good evidence for custody re-arrangement and, god forbid, a restraining order if that should become necessary.
  20. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I'm keeping texts and emails. If I could figure out a way to record phone conversations, I'd do that too, although you're right. I'm keeping phone conversations to a minimum. He's too wily (notice I didn't say smart) to leave voice mails, or I'd keep them too.

    Thanks for the support, btw. :-D

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