pygmalion's dating advice thread

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by pygmalion, Jun 11, 2010.

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  1. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Convo started over in the whining thread, but I want my advice all in one place, for easy reference. *grin*

    And no. I'm not giving advice. I'm seeking it. :cool:

    This started off as the whine -- dating is too complicated.

    Here's the deal. I'm in one of the stages of dating and have no earthly clue of how to progress from here or how quickly.

    I'm between the casually going out for drinks stage and the I know who'll be my date for parties stage. Not sure what to call it. The "going on dates" stage, as opposed to the "we're dating" stage.

    Any words of wisdom, musings, or experiences you care to share? Any and all input is welcome. Don't really have any useful questions. It's just kind of nice to know you're not alone.

    Oh, and in reponse to your question, sami, when I made my first move (months ago) it was literally a matter of walking up to The Guy, extending my hand and introducing myself. A big deal, because I'd been seeing him casually in the halls for a couple years, so our "relationship" was already defined as a "person I speak to but don't know." Walking up to him and talking to him, directly, changed everything because it threw that definition out the window. It was also scary because, as it turns out, he's very shy and was not at all easy to approach. Very closed body language.
  2. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    pygmalion, after you walked up and introduced yourself to him, who asked whom out? and how did that progress? have you taken the lead, or has he stepped up with some initiative?

    and is this the first guy you're dating since you've re-emerged into the general "playing field", so to speak?

    <<putting on dating doc stethoscope...:tongue:>>
  3. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Okay. Fine. Don't everybody jump in to respond and help a sister out. :lol:

    So I'll start with a question. How do you define dating? It occured to me, when posting the above, that there really isn't a good label that applies to where I am right now. And how do you know when you're dating and when you're dating-dating? (Think seventh grade, where there was liking a boy versus liking-liking a boy. That second liking makes all the difference :lol: )
  4. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    <<um... hellooo....:rolleyes:>>
  5. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Thanks, sami. :cool:

    I actually made an excuse to introduce myself. There was a big display at work regarding something that he and I have in common. So things progressed pretty naturally -- conversations over coffee in the cafe about the common interest. And then fifteen minutes over coffee wasn't enough time, so, one afternoon, we decided to continue over drinks at a nearby restaurant. I don't really know who asked whom. It just happened.

    Yes and no to the first guy question. I went on a few dates several months ago with guys I met online. I was wise enough, at the time, to realize that I was still too angry with the ex, for things to continue. I wasn't ready. (Plus I have to be physically aware men I date. Online stuff makes it hard to tell...)


    I honestly do want the very first guy I date-date to have a fair shot. So this is the first guy I'm considering dating-dating.
  6. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    *giggle* We were posting at the same time. And this is personal, so I got anxious. :lol:
  7. flashdance

    flashdance Active Member

    definition of dating (imo of course)...

    Going out with someone you know but would like to know in a more intimate way.
    You both generally like one another and have high hopes of forming a relationship.
    Lots of footsie and feeding each other food/drink whilst arms are intwined.
    Sharing thoughts, generally have love hearts popping out of your eyes but being able to control your mouth from not dribbling too much.

    Followed by asking the young lady if you can have a shower at hers. She refuses, you get on your bike and go back home for a shower.
    You meet with her next day only to have an argument then end up bed together with a soundtrack in the background and the lady wakes up to a self-made paper aeroplane which the love of her life has made which says 'I love you'*


    *last paragraph sponsered by TopGunā„¢

    :D
  8. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    has he ever asked you out in a formal way, such as "pygmalion, would you like to have dinner with me on saturday night? there's this great place i'd love to take you to..."

    or has it been all casually friendly, with "hanging out" turning into "more hanging out". i also recall you cooking for him. how did that transpire?

    what i'm after is... has this guy taken initiative, or have you been driving this? it does matter.

    there is no over-arching right or wrong about this, but it matters WRT what you ultimately want out of this, what you want to experience in relationship with a man (i won't say "partner" as yet... let's just leave it primal, lolz). certain choices & conduct lead down certain paths... let's find the path that you want to be following in order to get to your desired end. :D
  9. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    My brother. You have issues. Said with all due affection, of course. :friend: And go easy on the footsies, unless she offers a foot first. Word to the wise.
  10. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    The Guy has said, pygmalion, I am interested in you, but I've been where you are and I think we should take things slowly. Getting over a divorce is hard. (He's been divorced for years and his almost-grown kids live in another state.)

    So I don't really think, at this point, it's about lack of initiative on either of our parts. Just caution all around.

    At least there's an explicit statement of interest on both sides.

    And in terms of what I actually want. Who knows? Depends on the day. What I do not want is to abdicate control of the ultimate outcome, whatever that may be.
  11. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Oh yeah and the cooking happened because I had a home-owner emergency and I asked him for help. In return, I made him dinner. Very casual. :cool:
  12. morgrob

    morgrob New Member

    IMHO, the last thing you need to do is stress out about the whole situation. It sounds like, from the little I've seen, that he is interested in you, and is trying to be sympathetic to your situation. I think that is a good sign. I think he is right, start slowly, if it moves to more, then talk to him about your feelings and where you want it to go. Just enjoy each others' company and the time you spend together.
  13. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    okay, that's a nice clear statement. but has it then been followed up with "i'd like to take you out on saturday night" or has it been followed with silence (albeit a friendly one)?

    that's great. so you've expressed your receptivity, he's expressed his interest, and communication paths are open. good starting point.

    yes, i gather that this is more a "laboratory" time for you... to gain insight... clarification... and as you gain that clarity about what you want and don't want, to learn how to become more discriminating to be able to *recognize* those qualities in a man and in an emerging relationship.

    i just wouldn't be too quick to become exclusive, which is one of the points in that book i suggested reading in the enlightening conversations thread, which i recall you saying you did read. "mars and venus on a date". that book speaks directly on the subject of this thread and gives a helpful framework (one possible of many one might use) for the "dating" process.

    keeping options open while delaying physical intimacy can be a wise approach. tho it's not so common in modern-day romantic logistics. IMO, it would behoove you to know when you would want to become exclusive (what is the "criteria" for that), and then don't be sloppy about that boundary. so many misunderstandings (and hurts) can occur around that one piece...
  14. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    yes... i agree... keeping it easy and casual could be the best thing right now...
  15. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    Me too. Long story, but his caution is what made me interested in him in the first place.

    One of my girlfriends actually met The Guy first and told him about me. His response was, "I don't want to be the first guy she dates after her divorce. I'd rather be the third or fourth."

    I was really impressed because I'd had various men sniffing around for years. But not The Guy. He was the only one who seemed to understand that I was the walking wounded. But, right from the first, there was interest, which hasn't seemed to wane over the ... more than a year since then.

    My theory (could be wrong) is that there are two types of guys who knowingly date the walkng wounded -- the ones who are wounded themselves, and the ones who want to take advantage. (I actually had one man ask me out the first day I was back at work after divorce papers were filed. How tacky!!)

    The Guy is neither type.
  16. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Well (mostly kidding here, but not really) one thing I know for sure is that he has my top two deal breaker criteria covered. I can feel him walk into the room even when I don't see him. And two, he is smart enough to call me on my BS.

    Must have both.
  17. flashdance

    flashdance Active Member

    Need more pygmalion magic! It's a shame he can't let go of past feelings to try something new... hmmm tricky.

    It's a shame I don't live closer as I could try out the 'Back to the Future' Darth vader scene....
    You know the one, where I dress up in a radiation suit and blast some Van Halen down his lug holes and tell him that he must ask you out on a date - otherwise I'll vapourise stuff.... Always works... :D
  18. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    i think this is very wise on his part.

    what if you cultivate friendship ("easy... casual") with this gentleman for now, and keep yourself open for "dating" with others. you will gain a lot of knowledge, experience, and perspective by continuing down the post-divorce "dating" path, and meanwhile you have a genuine friendship evolving with someone with whom you feel a deep simpatico.

    something successful over time must, IME, involve genuine friendship anyway. and you will end up at the same time taking some of the pressure, nerves, and uncertainty out of the picture by getting your "relationship legs" strengthened in other ways with other dating prospects.

    one of the things i've never understood is why women so commonly narrow "dating" to just "just one man", when the beauty of dating is that you're getting to know someone on a level where deeper intimacy is off the table for the time being. you can check out your options... experience different aspects of yourself... refine your values... and take your time getting to know the "candidates" circing in your sphere of influence.
  19. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Neither. It's been followed up with lots of other things, though. After the actual going out on dates part started, I second guessed things and decided to just cool it -- go back to the "person I speak to but don't know" stage. Nope. Not gonna happen.

    He started conincidentally running into me ten times more than ever before, starting casual conversations, buying me coffee. Little things to get my attention. Every day.

    Not exactly let's move to the next stage. But the ball is definitely still in play from his end.

    *sigh* All the uncertainty is kind of fun, actually. :)
  20. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    those are very attractive markers of chemistry and potential intimacy, but there is so much more to discern regarding core-compatibility, IME. those are the little details i mean... and IME it's no small matter to become clear on what they are (the ones that *really* matter to you, not the superficial nice-to-haves) and also how to red flag when someone actually demonstrates the opposite.

    we get so blinded by our assumptions and projected desires...:cool:
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