pygmalion's dating advice thread

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by pygmalion, Jun 11, 2010.

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  1. TinyDancer109

    TinyDancer109 Well-Known Member

    If it makes you feel any better, kckc, my father is 21 years older than my mother. They married when my mom was 25 (which, at that age, makes the age difference much more of a "big deal", i think).

    I could tell you stories... even with my parents lying about my father's age to protect the relationship from judgement (they claimed he was "only" 11 years older -- my dad has always looked younger than he is)... my grandmother did not like originally like my dad because he was an American and not a nice Portuguese boy (whole story about that too).

    Alas, my father was not a picky eater and ate anything and everything my grandmother put in front of him - and wholeheartedly enjoyed it! He couldn't communicate with her since he couldn't speak Portuguese.... and at the end of it all, he turned out to be my grandmother's favorite child-in-law (which is saying a lot, considering she has 9 married children!)....

    Sorry for the hijack of my parents' story. the bottom line/advice about large age-gap relationships:
    1- my grandmother loved my father best because he didnt take a patriarchal approach to his marriage. he respects and adores my mom and it shows. most of her other sons-in-law were much more domineering with her daughters. My mother leads a life where she has to constantly travel and interact with other ppl (and men) and my father is happy to watch her do what makes her happy. I think this is a result of the combination of the American mindset of my father (compared to his bros-in-law) and the maturity from age difference (he had already lived a very full and experienced life by the time he met her)
    2- now that my father is getting older and has gone thru the natural effects of aging as well as having beaten cancer twice, the age difference is starting to take its toll. My mom needs to help him a lot more - be a sort of caretaker (more than the usual cooking, cleaning, etc.) She is quite obviously scared of losing him everytime he is not feeling well or has a pain. He is getting more clingy and smothering in that he wants her to do everything with him... like a puppy. His personality has changed dramatically (more like a grumpy old man when he used to be very laid back) and, altho she still loves him, it definitely puts a strain on her in that she misses the man she originally married.

    So, there are pros and cons. As long as you understand the possibilities of the future and you think you can handle them, go for it. Thats def the hardest part. but if you wind up in love and your love is true and deep enough, those things wont matter.
     
  2. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    My Dad beat cancer, too, TD109, and yes, it does both age the cancer survivor and change his/her relationship with others. My Dad will never be clingy, but ... his doctor visits are a lot scarier for all of us than they used to be. He's eight years older than my Mom.
     
  3. kckc

    kckc Active Member

    Thanks Tiny. Although he isn't the "get off my lawn type" yet (more of the up-for-anything-always-learning-something-new type), you never know what will happen in the future. My best friend is with a man 23 years older, and it does sometimes appear to be more of a patriarchal thing. Actually, she knows The Guy in question, and likes him and always thought there might be some chemistry between us.

    That said, I have to get to the actual first date, don't you think? (details, details).
     
  4. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Which may not be as simple as you think. Single 60-somethings generally have baggage. My friend J was ... in the high mid-fifties when I asked him out and no. nada. zip. zilch. Part of it was, I truly believe, the race thing. But his "reason" was that he'd decided to just go it alone. Too many heatbreaks. I respect that.

    Don't be surprised, but also don't be afraid. Go for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
     
  5. wooh

    wooh Well-Known Member

    Unless I'm missing this as an analogy for something else, hehe, run a couple loads with full water, on hot, moderate amount of soap, and good amount of bleach, with just a couple towels to "scrub" the washer.
    Living in huge heat/humidity, and the laundry room being the hottest/most humid part of the house, I can't leave clothes in the washer for any length of time. Luckily, thanks to the incontinent dog, I have a pile of old towels that I have to wash in bleach and hot water about once a week, so I usually don't get any "lasting" stink.
     
  6. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I also leave the washer open for a while between loads, so it can air out/dry out.

    I love this thread. Apparently, I'm not the only one in need of advice. ;):p
     
  7. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    If he's a dancer and a "young" 63 then it sounds like his health is decent. That would be my concern in dating someone much older. I want someone to enjoy life with. I know many women who married an older guy, and they spend their time nursing him, or else pursuing interests that he does not have the health or energy to do with her.

    And yes, I've had to deal with the divorced guys with kids and baggage. I'm a divorced mom, too, so actually it's nice to date someone who understands what it's like to be a parent. I just want to know the guy is emotionally healthy and ready to move on, but too many of them are not, unfortunately.

    Generally, so many people (both men and women) don't really take the time to get themselves together after a breakup. They just bounce back into the dating world, make the same mistakes all over again, and cause much aggravation for the people who date them. :(
     
  8. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    Yep.
     
  9. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    ya knw...I always leave that door open...but I am fairly convinced that there is a design flaw in the rubber opening of this particular front loading bosch...I think it is either bite the bullet and buy a whole new washer or pretty much live ith this issue..I can minimize it, but I don't think I can totally eradicate it...gah...and who has time to babysit that...anyhow, sorry for the tangent
     
  10. Lioness

    Lioness Well-Known Member

    It's interesting, because I never had the whole 'are we going on dates or are we dating?' thing. For each of my (three?) boyfriends, we've been really good friends beforehand, and it sort of got to a relationship as soon as one of us was all "so, uh, you wanna go see a movie with me on the weekend?'. I've also not had much experience 'looking' for a guy, so to speak. The first one sort of attached himself to me through a mutual friend. The second one we were friends through school and he eventually asked me out. The third (and current) one actually came when I was still getting over 2. He was my best friend during that time, and I talked to him heaps. And then eventually we started going out.

    So, yeah, if/when this relationship ends (which I sincerely hope it doesn't...he's amazing) I'm gonna have an interesting time learning to search for a guy.
    Oh, the wonders of high school relationships...
     
  11. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    The older you get, the more you think ... not necessarily a good thing. *shrug*
     
  12. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I've been working on my must-have list, as those of you who read the enlightened convo thread know.

    What's funny is that I'm having real difficulty working on list #1 (must haves) and list #3 (cannot tolerates.) List #2 (can compromise) is WAY too long.

    Maybe that's a clue for me. :idea: I remember reading something (book or article -- can't remember) a long time ago entitled, "Why Do the Witches (with a B) Always Get the Good Men?


    My take? Because they don't accept less than they deserve, but the "nice" women do.


    Just a thought.
     
  13. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    Well, the witches (with a B) don't accept less than they *think* they deserve, I'd put it that way. I mean, if someone is actually a (b word), then seems to me they don't truly deserve much.
     
  14. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Fair enough. :cool: Although I do think that everyone, mean girl*** or not, deserves a certain minimum standard of decent treatment. The mean girls may not deserve the level of hoop jumping they often require, but even they deserve to be treated with respect, IMO. :cool: I do get your point, though. :)


    I guess I was coming to the discussion from the other direction. Why do the nice girls (or guys for that matter) so often get stuck with the dregs? In my case, I think it's because that's what I accepted; I was so busy compromising away my standards that I unwittngly colluded in the violation of my own boundaries.


    I need to forget about the mean girls and look at myself. :-?




    *** Mean girl == euphemistic way of saying w with a b. Just in case this conversational tangent has legs, we may need more polite terminology to stay under the radar, long term. *grin*
     
  15. Lioness

    Lioness Well-Known Member

    My mother always uses "SSB", an abbreviation for "Short-skirt Brigade"
     
  16. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    That is absolutely hilarious. SSB it is. :cool: :)
     
  17. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    probly men who love SSBs love their feistiness and foregone-conclusion-self-concepts. nuttin wrong wit dat, IMO. tho i have never been able to wrap my mind around people who speak nasty to each other as a matter of course, much less insultingly.

    it has befuddled me since youth, tho i've grown up in a family where it *is* matter of course. not something i've replicated in my own conduct, and i *so* did not raise my own family that way. has been an eye-opener for my youngest to observe such meanness. and a good thing to see, i think... because the person who allows that kind of treatment is just as responsible IMO as the person who gives it out.

    it's an equal deal, so i don't vilify SSBs in the least. tho it's just not my cuppa...

    to both sides i always wanna say... have a little self-respect!
     
  18. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    interesting...maybe it's just because I am married but I don't see any correlation between mean-ness and marital status...I know people of meanness and people of niceness in both venues in equal amounts...

    if there is anything that I do think is a factor that P has mentioned, it may be that most of the folks who I know who are single into older ages do have lists that are too long.....I do think there is alot of importance to think about there...something that allows a person to be compromising...the same thing that can go bad and make a perosn a doormat, is also important in some measure, in maintaining a permanent relationship...it is a precarious judgement call
     
  19. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    always said when a marriage devolves into this...though I have also seen some of this be more about a couple being close enough that they don't have to be careful...still...I know what you mean...you just don't be-little those you love
     
  20. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    when you live a different way, it's shocking to observe. but... tis the way of passive-aggressiveness.

    going decades back, i used to plead with one side of this equation in my parental units to simply say "don't speak to me this way, i don't like it", but said PU never stepped up to the plate to make the request. instead...this one started just giving back the same to the other. and they have book-ended each other like perfect mirrors ever since.

    horse-->water :rolleyes:
     
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