pygmalion's dating advice thread

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by pygmalion, Jun 11, 2010.

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  1. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    lolz... yep... jane austen's mesmerizing domain... the thrill of uncertainty :cool:
     
  2. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Not sure I can do that. Which is why I asked the question about how one defines dating.

    Okay. Let me go back to the beginning and say that I certainly can and will develop friendship with The Guy. He's smart, capable, funny and committed to some things that are very important to me. He will be a good friend of mine, over time, regardless of whether he and I ever share romantic experiences.

    But about dating -- just the word dating, these days, seems, to have a sexual connotation for so many people, right out of the starting gate. For one thing, that's not me, I don't think -- it's been a long time since I examined my framework for this, so I might have changed.

    If I were to date a variety of guys, just to get my legs under me, I'm not sure that I am capable of being both sexual with and detached from someone. All while developing a long-term friendship with The Guy. That's a lot of balls to juggle. And yes. I know that physical intimacy doesn't have to happen unless I want it to. But it might. And it can screw up everything.
     
  3. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    So true. These are just pre-screening criteria.

    I have a list. :cool:
     
  4. etp777

    etp777 Active Member

    True, and true

    Not me
     
  5. wooh

    wooh Well-Known Member

    My advice, don't think too much. Someone else mentioned to just enjoy your time together. I wholeheartedly agree.
     
  6. morgrob

    morgrob New Member

    wooh, I really like your cashier quote. Struck me as funny!
     
  7. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    I did read this book, and liked Dr Gray's ... um ... delineating different levels of physical intimacy, I also like his suggestion that people clarify for themselves what they're comfortable with and then communicate it to their dates/partners without apology or excuse. "I'm comfortable with kissing (or petting or whatever) but I'm not ready to sleep with you yet," may not be the easiest sentence to form, but, IMHO, it's a heck of a lot better than the alternative -- ending up naked with a stranger.
     
  8. flashdance

    flashdance Active Member

    when I was dating many moons ago I found the talking and hugs/eskimo kisses to be the best part of it all. Worst parts came later with pillow theft (all women do this, don't deny it :tongue: ). Dating should be fun/easy going and not filled with sex and all that polava /grumble grumble..

    You have me thinking a lot tonight pygmalion...
     
  9. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Thanks, FD. :cool:

    Here's my deal and, I guess reason I started the thread in the first place. The ex and I have a seriously messy past that includes a very long, on-again off-again separation.

    In my religious framework, separated = married. And to me, married = faithful. (Not that the ex shares this view, mind you. :rolleyes: But I've gotta be me and live by my conscience, not his. :cool: )

    And, of course, as stated above, even I, emotionally battered as I've felt, am too smart to start a new relationship while in the midst of or immediately after a divorce.

    This left me alone for what I perceive to be an unfair** and ridiculous amount of time. Now that "immediately after a divorce" is a thing of the past and some time has passed, I believe I'm fairly safe to date. Most likely won't kill anyone, at this point.

    So dating will happen and soon. It was meant to be. It's only fair that I get that aspect of my life back. My only dilemma is whether to step up the action plan with The Guy or to step up the action plan with other(s) TBA.





    ** And yes, I know that talk of fair and unfair is kindergarten stuff. We all know life ain't fair. But I'll tell you what. My life is getting ready to be a lot more fair than it used to be.
     
  10. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    P, considering where you stand in the post-divorce aspect of things, i commend your information-gathering on the subject. i don't think there's anything complicating about thinking about you want and how to go about it. in fact, i think that your trying to bring some mindfulness & awareness to these new steps that you're taking will go a long way in avoiding complications and unhappiness.

    even if you want to keep things "easy & casual", if you don't bring some thoughtfulness and purposefulness to your decisions, you could easily make some sloppy choices and either end up getting hurt, or needlessly hurting another.

    as for sex & multiple dating partners... my point earlier was exactly about keeping too much physical intimacy out of the picture early on so that you *can* take your time in getting to know what you want, as well as a specific "other". that was one of the suggestions that i found highly valuable in the M&V onna date book... a helpful thing to hear IMV in the current culture that moves so quickly.
     
  11. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    Exactly. You are so smart!!

    That's exactly it. Choosing to be easy and casual, whether with The Guy or others, is one thing. Actually keeping things casual is a whole 'nother ball of wax.

    ETA: This applies to both physical intimacy as well as perceived emotional connection. What I decide and what actually happens may well be different things.


    I do think that the probability of a positive outcome is much better if you consciously think it through and decide what outcome you want. Otherwise, it's very easy to be blindsided by the heat of the moment and later think, "What in the world was I thinking?" I have a couple friends who ended up rebound married this way. Married! Because they didn't take time to think through dating. One of them ended up divorced again in a heartbeat. The jury's still out on the other. Not going down that path ... with my eyes closed. :wink: :lol:
     
  12. flashdance

    flashdance Active Member

    http://www.agame.com/game/Love-Tester.html

    I tried dating myself and it said there is a 65% chance of lurve. Now I'm scared of the internet.

    Strangely enough I put in the name of a girl I was chatting to a few months ago and it hit 100%... now that is very very weird.
     
  13. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    wow this thread is poppin. cant wait to backread :)
     
  14. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    lol! If you are 65% in lurve with yourself, you're better off than most. :wink:
     
  15. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    You can relax and let it go where it goes and be happy with either outcome (either it progresses or it runs its course)... Or you can address the issue of your confusion and risk scaring him away. I mean it may not scare him, he may feel the same way.

    I think men just enjoy the company of women and will continue to accept your company as long as you're offering it up. To us (to me) if you don't want a relationship you stop dating. If you consistently see the same person you obviously want it to progress. Guys don't think that way necessarily.

    You could also just back off, stop asking him out, see if he wants to pursue you if he hasn't gotten a chance to do that. You need to feel like he wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. It should show. If you can't get a feel for it, his interest may not be there?
     
  16. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    Oh. I didn't realize I'd given that impression. Whatever is going on here, although complicated, is mutual. A lack of interest is not a concern of mine (although maybe I'm deceiving myself.)

    I think a lot of what's going on is that we're both old and have baggage we're trying to navigate, both to protect ourselves and each other. Not a bad place to start -- protecting each others' feelings while respecting our own boundaries. :cool: It's only bad, IMO, if the protecting goes so far that it stalls out forward movement. And I'm not worried about that, yet, either.

    I see us circling and feeling each other out. Also not a bad place to be, IMO. :cool:
     
  17. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    Oh I thought you couldn't tell if he wanted it to be serious or not.. when you said about it being in an in between phase. I've never had mixed signals. Either a guy wanted it all right away or didn't really show interest.. granted I would still try to push the issue even if he didn't... lol
     
  18. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    A lot of older men are different, IME. Life experience and emotional scars. At least that's what I've experienced and observed so far.

    Heck. The dynamics were totally different even with the ex, who was in his mid-thirties when I met him, than with my high school sweetheart, who was in his mid-twenties when I left him.

    Experience leaves marks -- some good, some bad, IMO.

    As one of my very best guy friends often says, "Young men just want to get you undressed. Older men want a whole lot more."

    I don't know that I would say older and younger. I'd probably say less or more mature. But I agree with him, more or less. :cool:
     
  19. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Active Member

    I can't remember the last time I dated a guy in his twenties.. actually I can and he was a flake. But the reason that I do go for older guys (most recent one 37) is they have a clear idea of who they are, and they're not in a rush to do anything because they've already done it all, and they just want to get to know you. But they don't seem to have any reservations about letting you know they're interested.
     
  20. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    Oh yeah and, to be honest, I don't know if I want to be serious or not. Heck! I don't even know what serious means anynmore. Everything's on the table.

    The cool thing is that, if I'm just as ambivalent as he, he and I have equal power, at least for the time being. :)
     
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