Uncomfortable with my wife ballroom dancing with other men

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by NewMantoDancing, Aug 8, 2013.

  1. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member


    Take out the physical context (though we handle the food a lot), and you've just been eating with the wrong cooks.
    samina, j_alexandra and Sania like this.
  2. bia

    bia Active Member

    I thought I had said what I had to say, but came up with something else. I bet it would help you to go watch. The more you hang back in apprehension, the more you can build up in your mind that the lesson is something all intimate. I would be willing to bet that it's more like, dance a little, no, wrong, do it again, no, again, better, but your foot should be here, not there, OK, not bad, now fix your arm, and your head, and your weight transfer, try again... She's new, so he probably won't be beating her up too badly, but if he's worth his salt, the lesson will be work, not play.
  3. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    Hang in there. You've received some good advice here, and it's a good thing that you're at least trying to get past these feelings, even though it's hard for you. Can you try this? When you watch her dance with your instructor, and you start feeling those negative feelings, tell yourself, "I love seeing her so happy. I'm glad I'm able to support her in this."
    Gorme and opendoor like this.
  4. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Active Member

    I'm going to jump in and say that, yes, the physical contact can be a big deal for some people. I know others are trying to justify how body contact is just part of dancing, and no big deal....but, it IS a big deal. Let's not minimize this here. We are human, by nature, we are sexual. I've had attractions to 2 dance teachers that has led me thru a lot of angst and soul searching and even heartache. It's not something to be taken lightly. Having said that, I do realize, that some people have an easier time separating real life from the dance world and kudos to them. I guess Im one of those that are slowly, still trying to find my way...in a nutshell, I do not discount your feelings of watching your wife dance with another man and appear to be enjoying it. That is very real. I don't have an answer for you, but hope you find some clarity and are happy with your decisions. Good luck!
  5. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    dancing with an instructor is very very very different////you will always come up short
  6. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Active Member

    This guys wife is dancing with an instructor. And he's uncomfortable watching this. There are some real issues here. We may like to believe tree aren't, but they are there and they are real
  7. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I am not, in any way, dismissing that...I am making a point that he needs to grasp....
  8. dncergrl

    dncergrl Active Member

    My .02. I am a long time dancer new to latin. When I dance with my pro, it sometimes seems we are both enjoying the sensuous feeling of movement but it is not directed toward each other. Rather, we are each in our own worlds, but together. It is hard to explain. When we did our comp I was really worried that I would look inappropriate doing these sexy moves with this young guy. But in fact, what came through was our mutual enjoyment of moving. Sort of like noticing someone across the room eating the same crème brulee and doing the social nod and smile. My hubby does wish he could dance with me like that but the truth is I love to dance with him, and the way he does his steps and technique doesn’t matter at all. One of my earliest memories was standing on my father’s feet while he waltzed me around the floor as a very little girl and to me, that feeling would rival winning any Blackpool comp. To me, dance is like life and it involves work, pain, enjoyment and expression of all of life’s stories and emotions. I feel and express my joy at achieving my maximum technical expertise with my pro (usually tempered by critique+++), but when I dance with someone I love, I am feeling and expressing something totally different.
    nikkitta and middy like this.
  9. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    that is the thing...I love my husband...I love dancing with him...that being said, he is never going to be a fraction of the dancer that my pro is...never...he can never (via the dancing itself) cause me to feel the same sort of enjoyment...a different enjoyment? yes...but it would be ridiculous for him to hope (short of years and years and hours and hours of time and dollars) that he is going to be able to provide me even remotely the same amount of pleasure in the same way....and he would be making himself miserable if he was to feel that it ought to be otherwise
    samina and stash like this.
  10. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Active Member

    Comes back to my point- dancing with a teacher can be very exciting and you can begin to transfer emotions you are feeling in the studio to real life. This guys concerns are valid and real. I just don't have an answer for him, but to simply say that dance is just technical is not true. It involves feelings , for some of us more than others.
  11. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    not sure anyone is saying that it is just technical...but, for most pros, it is definitely not ...er ...intimate...at least not in the way that this husband fears...it is possible that his wife is experiencing a bliss that makes him skwirmy? sure....is it likely that it will morph into something that endangers him? extreeeeeeeeemely unlikely...unless he already has something to worry about irrespective of ballroom dance....no one is maintaining that dance doesn't have an emotive component...but what most people are saying is that for most pros that turns on and off like a faucet...and also that the technical skill of a pro provides a feeling (regardless of the presence of feelings) that causes a sort of pleasure that may confuse a student or their spouse...but rarely does it confuse the pro
  12. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Active Member

    I'm speaking mostly from point of view of the student. Agree it is unlikely that pro gets emotionally attached and very likely he can separate his feelings very easily. However, I had a crazy passionate relationship with my previous pro, and I guess it wasn't that easy for him either and finally led to a breakup as student/ teacher. However unlikely it may be, it is always very possible. In my own case, it was very confusing and very emotional and I just wish I had known better and been less impulsive. It would have saved me a ton on heartache and tears.
  13. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I would say that it ISNT always VERY possible...it is, on very rare occasion, possible with a very unprofessional professional...as to what a student feels; without an inappropriate pro, that is short-lived, harmless, and eventually outgrown...but not uncommon in that the experience of dancing with someone that good is often, overwhelmingly pleasant
  14. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    Not so much for a beginning lead. Yes, dancing with an instructor is easier than dancing with a fellow newbie, but it's not a noticeably better dancing experience. (Especially if the instructor is fighting the urge to back-lead or to follow that which was not lead.) A lead doesn't really experience that dance-nirvana thing with any partner until he gets to be more advanced. Which is a problem for couples who start together, and I think it's one reason there aren't more men in ballroom.
  15. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    And were you happily married at the time? If not, this is a different situation.

    We've had this discussion so many times before. Can instructor-student romances happen? Yes. Are they common? Not really. Make her happy at home and she'll probably continue to come home to you. If she doesn't, there are bigger issues than dancing going on. People have affairs all the time with people other than their dance instructors. People spend years with the same instructor without ever doing anything inappropriate.

    I don't think anyone is discounting his feelings. It's a matter of helping him assess and realign them so he can be happy for his wife.
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  16. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    exactly.....
  17. sbrnsmith

    sbrnsmith Active Member

    All I am saying is that stuff happens. If this guy is uncomfortable watching his wife dance with her instructor, maybe telling him that dance is a contact sport and points of contact are essential and mean nothing, may not be helpful. Maybe he needs to examine his feelings closer and try to get to the heart of what is bothering him and making him insecure.
  18. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I think people ARE also saying that...which doesn't change the realities of dance being a contact sport...but of course people need to be self- reflective...and people need to be proactive about insecurities
  19. jjs914

    jjs914 Active Member

    Sorry...I should have clarified. I was trying to provide some insight into how the wife might be feeling and reacting, based on my own experiences!
  20. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member


    But maybe he also needs to understand that what he's seeing is a normal part of dance and many, many people do it with no issues of it becoming a problem. A lot of people come to partner dancing not really understanding how the contact works, or with dancing with someone other than their SO, and it makes them uncomfortable because they think it's weird. If they learn it's not that weird, they get over those feelings.

    Last week in my class I had a couple who wanted to learn reverse roles, so she led and he followed. It was a beginning class, so most of the people in it were new to the whole concept of partner dancing. I explained what this couple was doing, and that it might seem weird to dance with someone of the same sex, to remember it means nothing just like it means nothing when they dance with someone of the opposite sex and that people do it all the time. I said I would not make anyone uncomfortable by requiring them to dance with someone of the same sex, but that I encouraged them to be open minded about it. The couple did offer to stay together if other people were uncomfortable with it. Every single person in the class rotated...so the guys danced with the man of this couple and the girls danced with the girl. They laughed off their discomfort and it was a fun class. Normally men have a problem with that, but once they realized it didn't have to be a big deal, they got over it. Of course, they weren't in close body contact, so that helped.

    The point is, while discomfort is sometimes completely justified, sometimes it's just misunderstanding and education can go a long way in quieting it.
    stash and fascination like this.

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