What are the 5 top reasons that make a man ask a woman to dance? Beauty comes first?

The Dos and Don'ts article is a good one...sadly, the people who need to read it most won't. Last week a guy walked up to me without even making eye contact and held out his hand in the "shall we dance" manner...but I'd never met him, so it was kind of weird. I did dance with him and chatted a little between songs so now it's fine, but it was strange the first time he ever asked me! Another does not pick up on the fact that I'm not making eye contact and refusing to turn away from conversations for him and will break in to invite me. sigh.

I don't think I've ever danced with a follower where I noticed her chewing gum. Either it doesn't bother me, or it hasn't happened. I guess until I notice it, I won't consider it a big consideration.

FWIW, I ranked some of the things in that survey that are important for me.

1) She can create a comfortable close embrace.
For me, this is easily the most important factor (at least with most tango songs). Especially when dancing to something like a slow Rodriguez, Tanturi, D'Agostino, etc., if the follower doesn't give a good embrace, I won't be in a hurry to dance with her again on a song like that. BTW, I've had two unforgetable tandas (because the embrace was really bad) with teachers. It's very unlikely that I'd ever take a class from them again.

2) She follows what I lead, as opposed to trying to back-lead me.
I must say that I have bought into the concept (or philosophy) that no one follows anyone. You try to dance together. I indicate my intention, and I'm hoping she will come with me, and at the same time, I'm trying to accompany her. If she's got her own agenda, it can be annoying. However, there are the rare few who can pull this off and still keep things very enjoyable.

3) She follows very well, even though she’s only a beginner.
This is pretty much in line with the previous one(s). Have a nice embrace, stay with me, and step on the beat. That's all I really need. If you do those things, I'll be very happy (at least with most songs). BTW, to me, following well means staying with me (in the embrace), and at the same time, not making me have to do too much to indicate my intention.

4) She has been enthusiastic dance partner in the past and she is happy to dance with me.
Yeah, I'll admit that people who make it known that they want to dance with me are preferred over ones who don't make it so clear. Also, people who are simply nice (and friendly) to me have an advantage.

5) I’ve seen her dance before and I know how her dancing is.
Yeah, if I know she's a good dancer (by my criteria, not some one else's), then I'd like to dance with her.

6) She has generally good hygiene.
While this is a factor, it's actually not a deal breaker. If you are OK on more important factors, this gets overlooked. Actually, there are only a handful of women where I've even noticed (in a negative way) their hygiene or perfume.

7) She has declined my invitation in the past on several occasions.
BTW, this is in no way, shape, or form about revenge. I just don't see the point in wasting time with someone who doesn't seem to want to dance with me.

My guess is that in your case, her mouth is well below your ear...

All good If her name is Jane Fonda I'd hire a bi-plane to do sky writing as a request to dance.

With one leader I danced with recently, I have a feeling "marital status" might be high on the list. He was visiting from elsewhere and was here a few months ago and was very complimentary when he danced with me then. I have improved since. the other night he was visiting again and invited me to dance on the third song of the tanda. It wasn't magical, but it was certainly (IMHO) acceptable for the first song with someone you don't know. When the cortina came on, I hesitated and raised my eyebrows like "shall we do the next tanda?" and he made an excuse about needing a break because of the heat...but when the cortina ended, he was right back out on the floor (30 seconds later) with someone else and proceeded to dance with many other women without breaks, most of whom were single.

I suppose it could have been that he didn't like dancing with me, but he did like it before, and this is the first time I've ever been rejected like that. Although, I will say that there are people who never ask me and it makes me wonder why. Is it because I'm fat? Don't dress sexy enough? Don't like my style? Who knows. All I can do is keep trying to improve and hope the partners who do invite me enjoy dancing with me.

Traditionally, one is supposed to change a partner after the end of a tanda. Staying for more than one in a row indicates that something special is going on between those people. I know in some communities many people have not even heard of that (or could not care less if they did), but you'd be surprised how many people, especially good dancers, actually follow that "rule", and prefer to switch partners. Different music, different mood, different partner.

Also, if a person is visiting, he or she might want to circulate more than a regular does, to dance with as many people as possible.

A husband/bf presence may also be a factor. Of course, it is far from being the same as in traditional milongas in Buenos Aires, but again, you'd be surprised how many people in tango communities are sensible to the matter.

In any case, not staying for a second tanda should not necessarily be taken as a rejection.

Bear in mind that I wasn't asking him to dance two whole tandas in a row...I only got one song with him. Some people consider it rude to ask ion the third song of a tanda and then walk away, and in most cases when someone asks me on the third song like that they ask if we can do the next one. And then there was his excuse that he needed a break, when he didn't take a break. Had he said, "Actually, since I rarely get here I want to get around to everyone" I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

I agree his behavior in that case was kinda awkward. Still, would not think of it much.
In general, I feel it is always better to assume that when the tanda is over, our dancing is over for the time being. So, if someone asks for the last song, and I mind (for whatever reason) leaving him when the cortina starts to play (most of the time, I don't), I believe it's better to say "this tanda is almost over. Would you like to see what's playing next, and if the music is right, maybe do the next set"? Provided, I want to accept, of course.

For me, the five main reasons (that come to mind) that I ask someone whom I know to dance are:

1) Girls that seem happy to dance with me or express in some way that they enjoy dancing with me.

2) Girls that will let me dance and concentrate on their following, rather than those who will try to back-lead or to teach. (Exceptions are when she is an accomplished dancer or instructor and has something important to let me know, or to avoid an impending collision which I didn`t see.)

3) Girls who have a good connection (including having a comfortable embrace). (Not necessarily the best follower, although that is certainly also good.)

4) Girls that make the effort to give a good dance (for instance, a beginner dancer that makes the effort to dance her best, rather than a really good dancer who can`t be bothered to put any effort into the dance).

5) Close friends. I will usually ask those that I know well when I see them at a dance event. This also includes those that I meet often and always dance with.

The five main reasons (that I can think of at this time) for asking someone whom I don`t know for a dance are:

1) She appears happy/smiling when she`s dancing and her expression shows it. (I know some girls don`t smile or look dead serious not because they are not enjoying it, but because they are concentrating; but I can`t tell if I don`t know them.)

2) I like the look of the way she dances (e.g. she looks skillful or fun to dance with, etc).

3) She dances around and with different people, indicating that she probably likes to or is OK to dance around with people other than her regular circle.

4) She`s hanging around close to the dance floor by herself (as opposed to being deep in conversation with someone else far away from the floor). Again this probably indicates that she`s looking for a dance, as opposed to wanting to just hang out.

5) We make eye contact and she acknowledges or smiles. (Doesn`t have to be the cabaceo, but at least it indicates that she`s friendly and probably looking for a dance.)

This one is important for me! Lady as a leader is still an unpopular one in some locations and a smile is a sign for an open door for asking a tanda.

If I put it other way round - Why didn't I ask you for a dance?

I promised the next milonga for her but when the milonga started I just couldn't spot her! According to her I was looking into her eyes but just turned around and asked another lady. Later I noticed that her djungle printed dress made her disappear/ unvisible for me. (We became friends again ) I need a dress/detail to spot you ...


I had noticed her at one of the tables but when the cortina came she was not there anymore. When dancing around I spotted her on other side of the pista. Please, return to same place for some time and then change if you prefer to be somewhere else ....


That night I wasn't totally ok and wanted to dance just with the most nearest followers …


I want to dance with you but not during THIS tanda. I want to have something more inspiring for us ...


I have been dancing for a long time and know lot of the people at ordinary milongas. There can be 50/70 followers I know but only 4 (!) tandas per hour to dance. This can be the reason when a follower wonders - He is dancing with me on Saturdays but not on Sundays; what's wrong with me on Sundays? ... someone as nice and good as you got the tanda then!


I have two reasons to categorically refuse to dance with a specific follower.
When the lady uses walking technique with heels parallell with the floor - That heel will regularly visit the inside of the shoe for the leader before us ......


The other reason is her attitude. If an unknown follower comes by and says: I want to test you! ....or if someone is rude for a more quiet sister and stepping over her to a leader!

I had a nice chat with a leader the other night. He is very popular and tries to get around to everyone. He brought up the fact that he always says, "if the milonga started an hour earlier and went an hour later and I didn't have my wife with me, THEN I could get to everyone." Good point. they can't dance with every girl in the room, even if they want to. He said that sometimes he just needs a break, too, although he tries not to sit out too long because he knows the ladies are waiting. I think that's very nice of him to work so hard to get to as many of us as he can and still dance with his wife a few times. It was good insight, and reminded me to remain grateful for the leaders who do dance with me. It's also why I'm very judicious about asking them--if they're sitting out, chances are they need a break.

My good friend and I have noted that there are some nights he doesn't ask us, and that used to mystify us. We recently figured out something he didn't say--he sees us several nights per week and dances with us during most of them, but the nights he doesn't are the bigger milongas or the ones where there is a little bit different crowd--people who don't go to any of the other venues. So, he prioritizes them, and if he gets to us, good, if not, he probably figures we'll understand and he'll dance with us three days later anyway. So that solved that mystery.

There are several tango communities within approx an hour (or two) from where I live. Generally speaking, I will place a higher priority on dancing with women who are local to that community, (along with people who I don't see very often).

It IS frustrating with only 4 of 5 tandas per hour and many to dance with!

One of our DJs started to play only 3 songs per tanda on practicas because he wanted to speed up the rotation. It was pity but his idea was not supported.

I agree. I find that I dance more, and with more different partners, with 3-tune tandas. I think they mix the crowd better.

Most of them here are three songs.

For those who read Spanish: Why he does not ask you to dance

http://milongueraquejonayque.blogspot.com/2010/11/porque-un-hombre-no-te-saca-pero.html

And for those of us who don't, could you give us a few samples?

Muchisimas gracias, Lilly_of_the_valley!!! :cheers: