What are the 5 top reasons that make a man ask a woman to dance? Beauty comes first?

Discussion in 'Tango Argentino' started by Paula M, Jul 29, 2010.

  1. Lilly_of_the_valley

    Lilly_of_the_valley Active Member

    Then, I say, they have a problem, which they have to work out between the two of them. I don't know about you guys, but I would not get in the middle.
    Sometimes my boyfriend and I are at a milonga where there are very few followers he would want to dance with, or he simply is too tired, and does not want to be social. So that night I do not circulate either, even though there are guys I would like to dance with, and I know they are willing to dance with me. Usually people around are sensible to that kind of situation, and accept that. I know my SO will be pissed off if somebody ( a leader or a follower ) chose to disrespect that situation, and insist on asking either one of us.
    I do not mind. I know there will be plenty of time to circulate and "develop my tango", as we both normally love to do exactly that, and dance with other people.
    My point of view, there is no "independent". We have to consider our partner's feelings, consider existing relationships, and work things out the best we can. The traditional tango etiquette was created for that purpose, too.
  2. Zoopsia59

    Zoopsia59 Well-Known Member

    But this is an entirely different situation, because you are choosing not to circulate. You said it yourself.. you do not mind sitting out with him.

    I would have a problem with my partner getting pissed off that someone asked me to dance on a night when he didn't want to do much dancing himself. Pissed because they ask? Really? You are both free to say no, that you are not circulating. Maybe it's a semantics thing, and I misunderstood just what the situation is, but I find it it a little bizarre to react that strongly to someone asking for a dance.

    If they are insisting on the dance after a polite refusal, that's something else... maybe that's what you meant.

    But just asking because they don't realize you are not interested that night? (especially after being in the mood on plenty of other occasions!) Seems like getting pissed that they ask at all is a little extreme. Most people aren't mind readers.
  3. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    When we go out, my husband usually does not dance very much, because he just doesn't want to--he doesn't feel confident, and he's kind of a snob and only wants to dance with certain people. He knows I like to dance a lot and has given me his blessing to dance as much or as long as I wish, and he'll hang out and chat and we'll go when I'm ready...although I try not to stay out too late if he doesn't seem to be having a good time. So, we sit together but try not to hang on each other, and sometimes we'll sit apart to make it clear it's OK to ask me. I do seem to get more invitations when he's not there, though.
  4. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    I agree!
  5. Lilly_of_the_valley

    Lilly_of_the_valley Active Member

    Perhaps it is exaggerated, but it is what it is. Of course I am talking about obvious situations. For example, once we sat on a couch talking, a guy came by, grabbed my hand, and ask me to a dance. Another time, we stood together at the edge of the floor, about to go on, and at that moment some guy approached us, and asked me to dance. My SO sees that kind of behavior as a lack of sensibility, a result of people not caring, paying attention, and basically that's what it was.

    I shall say, I do not like it, either, when people ask when I am very obviously not interested, but I understand that not everyone has brilliant social skills, and even ones who do get in awkward situations from time to time.
  6. Zoopsia59

    Zoopsia59 Well-Known Member

    I think I see what you mean.. but to me, these situations are less about having respect for your partner (as your partner) than about having respect in general. Even if you were sitting on the couch talking to a galpal, it's rude to just come up and grab your hand while you are in conversation.

    I'm all for showing people respect when you approach them for a dance, especially if they are in conversation.. one should also respect the other person in the conversation (perhaps by prefacing the invitation with an apology for perhaps interrupting, or at least acknowledging the presence of the other person)

    I just don't see the need for different, additional, or special rules for when the two people approached happen to be romantically involved.
  7. Lilly_of_the_valley

    Lilly_of_the_valley Active Member

    I agree. It is all about paying attention, and respecting others feelings. But I think I also can understand how a guy, who is protective of his partner may take, perhaps even unconsciously, the behavior that crosses his partner's boundaries in his presence, as disrespectful to him, too.
  8. Zoopsia59

    Zoopsia59 Well-Known Member

    (emphasis mine)

    I can understand that as well. But I don't think that's what was being discussed. It was about asking a guy if it's ok with him to dance with his date. There wasn't any mention of how asking her to dance crossed HER boundaries.. It was all about whether it crossed HIS boundaries for her to dance with the ask'er.

    You're talking about being protective (in line with her feelings). The aspect of the discussion that bothered me was condoning (by giving him power of veto) being possessive, regardless of her feelings.

    Totally different.
  9. Lilly_of_the_valley

    Lilly_of_the_valley Active Member

    My point was that from the outside, it might look the same at times.

    I am not sure asking "the partner's permission" is the best way to go about it, either. In the absence of traditional milonga setting, I believe it is rather what is described in posts #447 and 451 -- observe the couple's behavior and act accordingly.
  10. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    Asking the woman's partner/date for permission to dance with her is in one way polite, but in another way patronizing.
  11. bordertangoman

    bordertangoman Well-Known Member

    that's why there's no such thing as correct behaviour. I ask her but I will include a male companion in my gaze ie i will ackowledge him. I dont mind a refusal. But I have often seen the guy (not an s.o.) looked pissed off, because either he wanted to dance with her, or was chatting her up. Tough matey, I came to dance and she's accepted my invitation.

    We are living neither in Japan or Edwardian Britain. Manners are simple respect for how another responds to a request.
  12. dchester

    dchester Moderator Staff Member

    FWIW, I ask for permission to ask her to dance. Then I'll ask the woman if she would like to dance with me (although often the woman will get up to dance with me before I've actually asked her).
  13. doornail

    doornail New Member

    This is reason #34 why I like the cabeceo. It seems to prevent 99% of these problems from occurring.

    Of course, we still work hard on taking/giving offence in the remaining 1% of situations...
  14. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    Last night one of my regular favorites came over and cabaceoed me, and as I stood up to go dance, he nodded and sort of waved at my husband. Kind of a "Hi" and "thanks for letting me dance with your wife" gesture. I thought that was polite and a nice compromise to what we've been talking about.
  15. newbie

    newbie Active Member

    Or "See? I won the bet!"
  16. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    Or lost it. ;)
  17. LoveTango

    LoveTango Member

    This remind me an experience: I have a tango friend, a lady. We used to sit together if we happen to be at the same milonga. Lately, she has a regular partner. Out of habit, I still stayed around her when we weren't dancing. Her partner invited me. My lady friend was very upset for that. She felt that I intentionally hang around in order to get an invitation. It was not true and I was really shocked. I had no intention to dance with him at all, even though he is a good leader. I don't ever try to dance with every good leader.

    Well, ever since, I stay away from any leader who is around his regular partner.
  18. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    You are most certainly not the only one. I'm 33 years old and my own person. I have a career, I own a house, I have retirement funds and life insurance. I run my own g.d. life, and I don't need to be given permission to dance by anyone. And screw the person who thinks I do. It's not polite--it's demeaning, and patronizing, and anachronistic, and implies that I am not allowed to make my own decisions. Eff that. This is 2011--ask the woman directly already!
  19. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    What about respect for HER?! How is using the cabeceo to ask her to dance, where she doesn't have to interact, and less "disrespectful" of her date than asking her directly. If you ask her directly, you're still not interacting with others she's seated with...you're interacting with her and only her.
  20. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! You said exactly what was on my mind. Ex.act.ly!

    Eesh. It's not even 7am and this topic has me riled.:rolleyes:

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