Dancers Anonymous > Whining Thread #2

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by cornutt, Jan 23, 2008.

  1. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    While I agree that equal != fair, I can also see L's point about this. Just as there can be a fine line (but a line, nonetheless) between being assertive and being passive aggressive, I think there can be a very fine line between not bean counting and letting things slide. Sure, it could be bean counting. But the point is, it's a system that people agreed on. If it's not working, then it's not fair or right for one person to decide unilaterally that they aren't going to keep their end of the agreement. Similarly, there's a difference between not bean counting and being OK with other people not pulling their own weight. And, like Lioness, I can see the rationale behind doing everything, including what someone else should have done but instead left for you; to me, to do anything other than take care of your stuff (even if not fair) is the equivalent of descending to another's level. Shrug.

    Then again, this is still an ongoing struggle between DH and me (12 years later), so I'm definitely bitter about this and certainly biased.
    Lioness likes this.
  2. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yeah. It's complicated.
  3. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    on passive aggressive; I agree, that is about pretending something is fine and jabbing the other in the arse to separate tasks, my point is that when everything is divided, often the relationships is more about two singles co-existing in the same space....I would bet that couples that do alot together but just happen to divide chores have definitively fewer relationships problems than couples whose separateness includes the chores and most everything if the study didn't control for that, I would imagine that what you saw were people who are what we in the industry often refer to as "married singles"...
  4. DWise1

    DWise1 Well-Known Member

    I heard the same NPR segment (not a news item, but results of a listener competition based on a news item). I would be curious about the original story, because it doesn't make any sense to me. My first reaction was "well then, does that mean that next time I'm supposed to be a lazy slug and do nothing?"

    In my former marriage, I freely helped. I grew up bussing my own dishes and often even washing the dishes -- by hand -- so I naturally continued doing that. Taking out the trash, of course, yard work, minor repairs. I would do the laundry when needed and then later always did the sheets and towels, plus when my socks and underwear started disappearing into the boys' drawers I always did my own laundry after that. Plus, since she decided to not iron shirts, I always did my own ironing. And I did the finances, including taxes and even balancing her checkbook (a most arduous task that would easily take me three entire excruciating evenings until I got Quicken). I also always made my own lunch and breakfast, but outside of that I had no power in the kitchen. We even split up expenses along natural lines, with both of us having separate but shared checking accounts fed by our own paychecks: I took care of the mortgage, insurance, and utilities (which left me with not much pocket money) while she took care of clothing, food, etc, and extra expenses like car payments would go to whoever could handle it and all family outings or dinner/movies out were always on me.

    There never was much in the way of negotiation nor of monitoring whether the other was slacking off. So that story has me confused. What was I doing that was so wrong and what would have been the right way? Just when I thought that it couldn't be more confusing.
  5. bia

    bia Well-Known Member

    Another complicating factor could be the underlying philosophies behind the task division or not. Specifically, if a couple is traditional enough in the division of labor that one is exclusively the breadwinner and the other exclusively the homemaker, it's likely that they have more traditional (i.e., negative) views toward divorce. So they may be more likely to stay in a bad marriage than the equal-task-dividing couple.

    I feel like we're playing a game of telephone with this study -- it may be time for someone to look it up and figure out first-hand what it actually says.
  6. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    My reference to that study was just intended to be an interesting and amusing aside. *sigh* Besides, no study can possibly explain why any one relationship succeeds or fails. The best you can do with a study like that is control for as many variables as you can think of, be careful when you select your study subjects, frame your question carefully, and use lots of caution when you report your results. *shrug*
  7. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Can't find the actual survey results, (Actually, I'm too lazy to do more than a cursory google. lol) but here's a link to a news story about it in the British newspaper The Telegraph.
  8. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    I thought it was an interesting aside. :). I find it interesting how different couples negotiate the terms of their relationships and such.
  9. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    Why can't I manage to make oatmeal that I actually like? The stuff from the cafe downstairs is wonderful, but I hate paying $2 for what can't really cost most than a quarter. But no sense in making it myself, for cheap, if it tastes yicky. Sigh.
  10. j_alexandra

    j_alexandra Well-Known Member

    McCann's quick cook. Instant is garbage; steel-cut takes forever. Quick cook. Half a cup milk, half a cup water, half a cup oatmeal, heat, stir 2-3 minutes, swoon. Apply cinnamon and maple syrup. swoon a rama.
  11. j_alexandra

    j_alexandra Well-Known Member

    this is a test. if I write "i loathe the new software and all its works," will it FINALLY EFFING ACCEPT MY POST b/c I've been trying to post for 10 minutes now

  12. j_alexandra

    j_alexandra Well-Known Member

    yes. I threatened the software, and it chose to work. Clearly, bullying-r-us.
  13. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Sistah! lol
    j_alexandra likes this.
  14. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    I know that the minute I say "I haven't had any problems with the software" it will go immediately to I won't say it. :)
    j_alexandra likes this.
  15. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    No. :D Seriously... what I'm noticing is that when you get that "the server did not respond in time" on a posting attempt, if you go look at another thread and then come back to the thread that you tried to post to, your post is there. I haven't yet found this to not be the case. (Although if I wrote something really long and got that error, I'd copy it to Notepad or something before I navigated away, just in case.)
  16. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    What about allhellinahanbaskit?
    Purr likes this.
  17. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    I've found this too, most of the time. Although sometimes the forum just won't post an effing thing, takes for-bloody-ever to load, and generally seems to hang up/crash no matter what I do. Usually when that happens, I'll find that I can see my post a good while later.
  18. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    Yup. I am not on as much, even to browse as I used to, because of the headaches. If I wish to comment many times it just drives me crazy. All this cutting and pasting and saving what I want to write just in case it does not post and so on. It reminds me of my mom writing out emails in word and then connecting to the internet when she had really poor internet access. That way she wouldn't lose what she wanted to say. But in an online forum all these sorts of extra steps defeats the purpose IMO.
  19. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    Really aching from yesterday.

    Jogged around 20 min, around 2.2 miles, meaning about a 9 min/mi. Not jogged in several months, but read in "The First Twenty Minutes" by Gretchen Reynolds that men between 40 and 50 who cannot manage a mile in 10 minutes have a predicted 30% greater risk in having and passing away from a heart attack within 30/40 years. For women between 40 and 50 it is a mile in 12 min, vs a mile in 10.

    Just had to check it out since it was such a great day to be outdoors.

    Now am suffering from it. You use your muscles in different ways for different activities. I dance, bike etc so it isn't that I am a couch potato... I guess that I should jog more, keep mixing things up so I am not so sore...
  20. bordertangoman

    bordertangoman Well-Known Member

    sounds like my house monday night; gas fitters re-hang a radiator, test the heating and leave it with thermostat turned right up so its over 90 degrees when I get home at 10.30pm....

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    login, logged out, login, logged out
    login, logged out, login, logged out
    login, logged out, login, logged out
    login, logged out, login, logged out
    login, logged out, login, logged out

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